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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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puala__koala Offline
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She just won't back off - December 12th 2010, 09:54 PM

My mom has always been ontop of me, looking at what I do to make sure I'm safe and trying to control my life. She thinks that without her I would be a disaster and that I would never be able to do anything. I'm 17 now. I've lived on my own, she works really far away and never sees me, and then ontop of that almost everything I do I do on my own. I'm the one who filled out applications for art school, I'm the one who got the scholarships, I'm the one who spent weeks upon weeks preparing my portfolio. Not her.

The thing is, she tries to control me doing whatever she can. For example, she looks at my facebook when I forget to log on, and shes always trying to convince me that I did things I didnt do, or that I didn't do things I did. It's ridiculous! She tries to help me out with my problems, and whenever I tell her anything, she always exaggerates it. In her eyes, anything I do is either horrible or not good enough! I have to constantly hide my problems from her because I'm scared of how shes gonna react. Whenever I get a panic attack, I usually leave the room (cause I know she'll make it worse).

Im trying to explain to her that I'm going to therapy. I'm getting treated for the problems I have, and she can't help me becaus she just makes matters worse than they already are. I don't want her to be involved in my therapy but she insists that she wants to know everything. Ontop of that, I have a school that may be offering me a half or full ride and another school that I have a good chance of getting into that is subsidized (and these are some of the best schools in teh us). She wants me to go to a nearby school (which will probably cost more money and not be as prestigious) because she doesnt want me too far away (she thinks im gonna do something unbelievably stupid and come back)

HELP!!!!!!!!
   
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Re: She just won't back off - December 12th 2010, 10:35 PM

It doesn't sound like she's gonna listen to what you've got to say, but still, have you tried the whole picture to her. It seems she's paranoid. No matter how many times you prove her wrong, and do well, she still thinks you're going to fail yourself and fall on your face.... very demotivating, I know the feeling.

You just gotta do your own thing. It seems you're doing well otherwise. Follow your own direction. If you're going to go to art school (am I right?) somewhere far away, send a post card every now and then or something, but god dam it... just do whatever it is you're good at and motivated to do. Don't let other people distract you.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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Re: She just won't back off - December 13th 2010, 01:01 AM

It sounds like she has good intentions, but isn't showing them in the best way. It might actually be beneficial for her to be involved with your therapy so she can see that you are doing well and understand her boundaries. Have you talked to your therapist about this issue as well? He or she could help with asserting yourself. I actually don't think it's a good idea for you to cut her out of your life, but setting up some boundaries could help. For example, maybe you have a 15 minute phone conversation once a week.
   
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Re: She just won't back off - December 13th 2010, 01:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BDF View Post
It doesn't sound like she's gonna listen to what you've got to say, but still, have you tried the whole picture to her. It seems she's paranoid. No matter how many times you prove her wrong, and do well, she still thinks you're going to fail yourself and fall on your face.... very demotivating, I know the feeling.

You just gotta do your own thing. It seems you're doing well otherwise. Follow your own direction. If you're going to go to art school (am I right?) somewhere far away, send a post card every now and then or something, but god dam it... just do whatever it is you're good at and motivated to do. Don't let other people distract you.
ive tried everything. the only thing that seems to work is not talking to her and thats what ive been trying to do (the problem is that she keeps on bringing these topics up). Yes, shes very paraniod and yeah i hate it.

im not sure how much of a possibility that is. even if i go to college with a full scholarship (which may not even happen), i still need to pay somewhere between 10-20k per year (the first year ill probably pay 14k or 20k because the housing colleges give is super expensive). if i get a full time job in teh summer and get work study, i can maybe earn 6k per year (probably more like 5) that leaves me with 4-15k that i still need to pay. i cant get any financial aid for that stuff (except a non need based) because it is assumed that my parents can and will pay it (my family CAN pay 20k a year). i dont think you can get grants or fellowships for undergrad if your family doesnt demonstrate financial need. and you need someone to sign your loan (which my mom said she wouldnt do that) so idk. even if its just $4,000 per year, thats 4,000 dollars a year i wouldnt have a way of paying. i cant just be all independent and abandon them, writing a post card every once in a while, because of this. although i definately can once i graduate
   
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Re: She just won't back off - December 13th 2010, 02:12 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Janelle View Post
It sounds like she has good intentions, but isn't showing them in the best way. It might actually be beneficial for her to be involved with your therapy so she can see that you are doing well and understand her boundaries. Have you talked to your therapist about this issue as well? He or she could help with asserting yourself. I actually don't think it's a good idea for you to cut her out of your life, but setting up some boundaries could help. For example, maybe you have a 15 minute phone conversation once a week.
i dont think shes gonna see that im doing well, and i especially dont see her understanding her boundaries.

i agree there, i doubt cutting her out of my life will do much good so im not going to. ill probably call her every once in a while. idk.
   
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