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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BrokenHeart315 Offline
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Losing Everything To Her - December 27th 2010, 12:58 AM

So over the summer my boyfriend cheated on me with a girl I used to be friends with, but I really didn't respect her because she felt that she was entitled to a life that consisted of nothing but drug use, sex, and money, and she thought everyone was beneath her in everything she did. So I stopped being friends with her, and she had sex with this guy.
Me & my boyfriend have since attempted to patch things up, it's not going all that well & this girl is part of the problem.
This girl joined the show choir I'm a part of, even though she has absolutely no interest or talent in singing or dancing. She's made a point only to talk to people I'm friends with, something that bothered me about another girl last year that I confided in her about in the short time we were friends.
So now all of my friends just LOVE her. They've brought her up with me several times, and every time she's brought up I just go, "I don't care in the slightest that you're friends with her, but don't make me go near her, it ruins my fun & only causes drama." Anyway, I DO care, because they know how much this girl has hurt me, and it feels like they're telling this girl it's perfectly fine to screw with me. (Also towards the end of this deal with my boyfriend, I was not aware that any of my friends had become involved with her, so I ranted about stuff they did to me and they told me to shut up about her, while I know for a fact she's talked down about me a number of times.)
So last week a fairly good friend of mine hosted a Christmas party and invited me, and I knew her and another friend (whom I was VERY good friends with until she came to our school, by which point he changed everything about himself to fit her friend requirements) would both be invited. I would have still gone if it was a big party with lots of people there, but there were only about ten. And I got the feeling that people didn't really care I didn't want to go, whereas if this girl backed out, I would have gotten the heat for it. Whenever one of my friends spends any time with her, their attitude towards me turns icy, and I'm too afraid they'll scream at me to pry.
On top of that, my boyfriend is completely different now that his virginity is gone. He claims that they never even did anything, but I don't believe him. I feel like the only thing he wants from me is sex, and I know he has various mental issues, but she's messed with his head & pressured him to drink and do drugs, so that's screwed with him too. (I'm not placing all the blame with him on her shoulders. He's getting a ton of heat about it.)
I just feel like I am once again losing everything to her. She's given my number out to a bunch of guys who used to call me daily asking for sexual favors, that's stopped now, but now she herself calls me two or three times a day.
I just don't know what to do, or even to think. There are other guys who want to date me and a really good friend of mine likes me A LOT but I really can't feel any romantic attraction towards. (I know it seems pathetic, but I don't really feel safe unless I have a boyfriend. And if I don't have one, guys bug me for stuff a lot.) I really am in love with my boyfriend, he's my soulmate and that's the ONLY reason I would ever tolarate this crap from any guy.
I just don't know about anything. Please give me some advice, or help me sort out my thoughts.



I don't understand why I hang around,
They see what's going down.

Cover up with makeup in the mirror,
Tell myself It's never gonna happen again.
I cry alone,
And then you swear you love me.

Do you feel like a man,
When you push me around?
Do you feel better now,
As I fall to the ground?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Yours Truly Offline
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Re: Losing Everything To Her - December 29th 2010, 03:08 AM

A ex-friend of mine put me in a similar situation...

It sucks. |: But theres not much you can do. You can ask your friends not to talk about her around you or to you, and try to make new friends that arent friends with her.

It sounds to me though, that shes jealous of you. So shes talking to all your friends and got inbetween you and your boyfriend.

People have weird reasoning for some things.. But, its just how it is.

You could try confronting her. Thats always worth a shot. But dont do it in a... threatening way. Cause then she'll feel the need to defend herself. Just tell her what shes doing doesnt sit well with you and ask her to back off or ask her why she does it.

Dont expect much out of it though. Dont get your hopes up.

Good Luck. <3


"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting some kind of battle." <3


Feel free to PM/VM me if you ever need someone to talk to, or just want someone to listen. I'm also always up for making new friends.
   
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Re: Losing Everything To Her - December 29th 2010, 07:35 AM

Your friends have become icy towards you because of what she is telling them about you, she's reeling them in. As a result, they can become cold toward you because being with her is popular, you're not so going with you puts them in the "out-group", which is what they do not want. Since they don't want that, they don't want to be with you, so they behave in ways to ensure they are not going to have a strong relationship with you (or not as strong as with her). Much of this self-convincing is done subconsciously so there may be no rationale they give to you should you ask. Furthermore, their rationale for defending her only strengthens their relationship because you're viewed as a "common enemy" and the result is increasing the ingroup-outgroup phenomenon. As you address her in ways perceived as confrontational, it becomes subsequently harder to address her without making the others and her view it as confrontational.

This girl you're talking about seems to be quite narcissistic in that her actions are to get attention from many, keep that attention and use it to get what she wants, including more attention. Due to her narcissistic nature, confronting her would be perceived as getting the attention she had for yourself, which she does not want. Asking her why she's doing what she does, may be a futile effort and expressing your concerns that it's bugging you won't do much.

If there cannot be discussions between her and you that she and others don't perceive as harmless, try talking to your friends about something other than her. They're still your friends as they don't seem to have abandoned you, so try to strengthen your relationship with them. Should she find herself in the way, try to act as peacefully as possible to avoid confrontations.


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
   
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BrokenHeart315 Offline
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Re: Losing Everything To Her - January 1st 2011, 06:20 PM

The thing is, after that first outburst, and at the time I had absolutely no idea they cared I was angry with her, as I have done so since she first slept with my boyfriend, I haven't spoken about her since, except to tell them that I wasn't going near her, which they ignored. If I bring her up I'll get screamed at. And I know for a fact she's still trashing me with them & they're not doing a thing about it.
And honestly I don't think I could stand a two minute conversation with her without tearing out her hair. This girl is everything I hate in a person. This deal with her runs a lot deeper than a guy. I have good reasons for hating her with a passion,which I do. Just being in show choir with her gets my blood pressure high.
My friends are aware of what she did to me, and she did a hell of a lot more than steal a guy, I'm just not comfortable sharing the other details. My friends just don't seem to care.



I don't understand why I hang around,
They see what's going down.

Cover up with makeup in the mirror,
Tell myself It's never gonna happen again.
I cry alone,
And then you swear you love me.

Do you feel like a man,
When you push me around?
Do you feel better now,
As I fall to the ground?
   
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