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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 10th 2011, 04:06 AM

Brief Background: Me and my best friend had been friends for nearly 6 years. Nearly twins at times with the way we act.

So, about a month ago, I began asking my best friend (calling him X) for my stuff back. It included a controller and a game. It wasn't too important to me, but I had another friend coming over, and since I was staying at my grandmother's (My mother was in rehab. Different story, different thread), I only had a single controller. X told me he'd get it to me the next day. The next day, as I was talking (texting) to him, I said I needed it by 5 tomorrow. He replied (exact quote) "Alright Man". Five PM the next day, I still didn't have the stuff back. This wouldn't have upset me, but like I said, I wasn't at home, and didn't have access to any other controllers. It wasn't important, considering the friend didn't even come over, but I was still pissed. Especially considering this wasn't the first time it had happened with X.

We ended up getting in a huge (text) fight, and we haven't spoken since. Now, to some, it would appear that the fight was over a game and controller, but some of the things said in the texts escalated it from an argument to a full-blown war (If it's important, I'll post some of the texts. Ask.). Today, it's been an entire month since I began asking for it back. I only got the game so far.

But It's been an inconvenience not being friends with him. It's gotten to the point where police involvement has been threatened. I have no desire to continue the fighting. And now, I'm considering making X an offer.

If he agrees to apologize to me first, I'll apologize to him. And we'll be friends again. If he refuses, I'll end all communication with him, permanently. I'm putting it in his hands now.

I would enjoy to hear your thoughts on this matter, as it will help me decide when/if/what to send the offer.


Favorite Quote: "Never to suffer would never to have been blessed" -Edgar Allan Poe
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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 10th 2011, 08:20 PM

Hi
I would be upset too if he told me he would get the controller by 5pm and didn't. But at the same time do you think that fighting over a controller worth your 6 year relationship? Have you tried going over to him house to get the controller yourself instead of threatening with the police? Maybe your friend is also upset because of the fight going on right now. I would say that the offer you have about letting him apologize first is a good way to go but keep in mind that he may also be upset with you and probably won’t take it.
I say just drop it all and go to his house personally and let him know you are upset and want your controller back and from there you can start talking. Don’t let a controller ruin a 6 year friendship.
Good Luck.!


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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 11th 2011, 10:53 AM

The controller isn't the problem.
We both were texting very hurtful things to each other. Stuff that hit personal problems.

And I can't talk to him in person, I'm afraid I'll lose my temper too quickly.


Favorite Quote: "Never to suffer would never to have been blessed" -Edgar Allan Poe
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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 11th 2011, 12:06 PM

You had a fight....Said things you shouldn't have...I think both of you are equally responsible. You should apologize for the rude things you said. And you shoiuld go and just apologize face to face. One of you has to take the initiative. Believe me even he must be thinking of apologizing. Sometimes its just better to do things unselfishly. yES HE WAS WRONG when he didn't return the controller on time. But you were also wrong. If you put forth that offer he might just stop talking to you. So just forget about what happened and just go and apologize.
   
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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 11th 2011, 06:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Popo
If he agrees to apologize to me first, I'll apologize to him. And we'll be friends again. If he refuses, I'll end all communication with him, permanently. I'm putting it in his hands now.
To be perfectly honest with you, that seems like a rather prideful and immature "offer" to make. Sometimes, you have to be the better person and take the initiative by apologizing first, even if you weren't at fault in the beginning. Friendship, much like love, shouldn't be conditional... if you aren't willing to offer it freely, if your friend feels like he has to earn it by apologizing first, then there's no point in maintaining the friendship. Either suck it up, apologize, and move on, or give up on the idea of being friends and find people who will be more respectful of your property, feelings, etc.





   
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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 11th 2011, 06:36 PM

Like Robin said, it's quite immature to make him apologize first.
You've been friends for a long time, so I think you should stand up and be the bigger person and apologize first. Just tell him you don't want to argue with him anymore and you want to remain friends. A petty argument here and there and whatever was said between you two shouldn't stand in the way of a good friendship.
   
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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 11th 2011, 11:59 PM

I'm not trying to make him apologize first, I want him to agree to apologize. I don't care which one of us apologizes first, as long as we do it. Sorry for the confusion, I'm not that immature.

And I'm perfectly aware that I'm just as much at fault as he is.


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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 12th 2011, 12:33 AM

It's not so much immaturity than it is a fear of investing in a gesture that might be unreciprocated.

That's normal. We experience this in all facets of life.

What I think you should try to do is try to let go of the possibility that he won't return an apology. There are many ways to solve an interpersonal conflict: One of them is coming to peaceful terms with yourself and letting go of the anger and letting the ball fall in his court. You seem to have the right idea, almost. However, you shouldn't wait for him to apologize, nor should you want him to agree to apologize (they're almost the same concept).

Bottomline: Make a heartfelt apology. Both of you said hurtful things. In life, sometimes you have to make compromises... In the end, it all evens out. You have a mature tone for a seventeen year old, IMHO. Taking the higher road and showing class is a noble thing to do. This is what you could do if you define yourself like that. Sometimes extending an olive branch solves even the most difficult conflicts. Let go of your own dignity, because we can't expect to hold it throughout our whole life. There are times when we have to be vulnerable whether we like it or not for the greater cause of harmony and peace.

The benefits are innumerable:
1. He might apologize back.
2. He might give you your controller back.
3. You'll have a friend back.
4. You are at peace with yourself.
5. You throw away your mental stress.

The non-benefits:
1. You lose a controller (inconsequential at this point.. it's just a controller).
2. You lose a friend (a friend that might have been meant to be lost, if you truly apologized and he doesn't reciprocate.. it just shows what kind of person he is).

While you might lose a friend and he may still be angry at you.. what matters is that you are at peace with yourself. You won't be the angry one. He would be the potentially bitter one with the grudge. Hatred is a double-edged sword. You hurt others and yourself.

When you extend that olive branch, you're going to put the ball in his court. Once it's there, walk away. If he responds, good. If he doesn't, oh well. Don't be afraid to reach out knowing that he might not accept it.

I hope that helped,
D
   
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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 13th 2011, 10:23 PM

Thanks, that actually made up my mind.

As soon as I get the chance (he hasn't been in school the past few days, I'm hoping for a chance this weekend), I'm going to have a "walk-and-talk" with him.

I'm going to explain that I think it's about time him and I both swallowed our pride and admit that we're both wrong in this argument, and then I'm going to proceed to apologize to him.


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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 13th 2011, 10:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Popo View Post
Thanks, that actually made up my mind.

As soon as I get the chance (he hasn't been in school the past few days, I'm hoping for a chance this weekend), I'm going to have a "walk-and-talk" with him.

I'm going to explain that I think it's about time him and I both swallowed our pride and admit that we're both wrong in this argument, and then I'm going to proceed to apologize to him.
Sounds good. I was gonna say don't do the thing with asking him to apologise first like you said in your first post. It sounds almost a bit like blackmail and makes it look like he's 80% in the wrong or something. Not a good move.

Don't screw a long term friendship like that.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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Re: At war with my best friend, considering a compromise. - January 15th 2011, 06:10 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Popo View Post
Thanks, that actually made up my mind.

As soon as I get the chance (he hasn't been in school the past few days, I'm hoping for a chance this weekend), I'm going to have a "walk-and-talk" with him.

I'm going to explain that I think it's about time him and I both swallowed our pride and admit that we're both wrong in this argument, and then I'm going to proceed to apologize to him.
Best of luck!
   
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