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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
A lost wolf
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Name: Jessica
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: Georgia, USA

Posts: 352
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Join Date: January 14th 2010

Forever Alone... - January 27th 2011, 09:10 PM

Sorry, this is gonna be really long... I must be meant to be alone in every way. Maybe I'm just not accepting this concept of life that everyone leaves, that we are truely alone. I cannot and will not accept that, not when the pain of it and everything else is eating me alive. Why do I have to be so pathetic and crave to be near someone or to be close?

I have to admit, I have learned some things lately. What I thought was important to me, isn't as important as I thought. I'm realizing how much a family means to me... too bad I don't have one.

I live with my mom and have no siblings or even any pets. My mom hates animals, even though I absolutely love them. I am not allowed to have friends over for long either. My mom is just weird. My house is usually empty. My mom is a total bitch to me too. When I was little I tried to go live with my dad, and she's never forgiven me. I'm sick of her lying to me all the time, and when I catch her in a lie she just screams at me. I have to be careful what I tell her, when I loose control, she'll just hit me in some way. Strong enough to leave marks. I'm tired of her mind games, and I'm tired of dealing with her. We are broke. My mom decided to go back to college because she got tired of her job. Now out of college two months later, and she hasn't even started her resume. She said she doesn't feel like it, yet we are fucking broke. I need to go to the doctor but of course we can't afford it. I need help with college, but she hasn't helped at all. She helps with nothing and complains how poor we are, yet won't look for a job. She's also presssuring me to get one this summer. How fair is that? My mom always tries to keep me in check. I'm not allowed to go far or for very long. A lot of the time I am stuck at home being bored in my room.... alone.

My dad was once the best thing ever. He saved me from my unjust mom, but what happened to him? He left me, and my mom has been rubbing it in my face. Just recently she started screaming at me saying how he left me and is doing nothing for me. Nothing could have ever hurt so much, because in my life nothing has remained constant, but having him for support, until that ended too. He's been angry at me every since I failed to go through the court stuff with him so I could live with him. After that he moved to another state. He remarried someone I hated. She yelled at me everyday when I spent my summers there and told me I was stupid, lazy, selfish and just a piece of shit that wasn't worth anything. I told my dad, and usually he agreed with her, but sometimes he admitted it was a bit harsh and even still nothing was changed. At times he would join in on this verbal abuse. Everyday I endured it while I was with them. After they got divorced, for the first time I spoke up about it. My dad yelled at me saying I was never treated badly, that I was delusional and ignorant. He said he had to deal with a lot more than me too, and took her cruel words so much more often than me, but the difference was... he had the choice to stay or leave... I didn't. I had no choice. I put up with it for him. It was either that or never see him for four/five years. But apparently I did something that hurt him so bad that he is still angry and says he doesn't know how to talk to me. Yeah, I'm FURIOUS about it. Now I can't hold back.

My dad also did not have a job for a long time, and did nothng to help me with anythng, but I don't blame him for it. Unlike my mom, he was looking hard and did odds and ends. Anything he could do to pay the bills. I just felt bad for him and stuck up for him against my mom and got hurt for it. For awhile, my dad wouldn't even talk to me, because he said I always sided with my mom. He still denies everything. To him, I got what I had coming to me, and none of it was from him or his ex-wife. Hmmm... if I recall correctly, I was never self-concious of myself until his ex-wife started telling me I needed to loose a few pounds and some other stuff. Last I checked I was actually underweight. I have trouble eating due to stress.

Now, my dad is engaged to a girl that is the same age as me and my dad lives on the other side of the US, over three thousand miles away for work. He got a job, and not a great one either, but something and he traveled across the nation to get it. He was desperate. My mom now wants him to pay for my car insurance since he has a job, or for me to do it. She's cutting it off in a few months, giving me some time to find a job. After that, she will be covering none of my expenses since I'm an adult, yet she forces me to live at home or never talk to her again. wtf?

I have no actual relationship with either of my parents.

I always had a best friend though, one who got me through all of this shit. She was everything to me. I would give anything to have her back, anything damn it anything!!! Ugh I hate this fucking life for taking away my best friend. No.. she was so much more than just a best friend, but my sister. She knew me better than anyone else and even better than I knew myself and vice versa. We saw each other everyday and loved it. Everythng changed when my mom moved us from that area and I switched high schools. Right after that her dad passed away from alchoholism, and that changed her world. Her dad never wanted anything to do with her, her whole life, until then. He was trying to gain her forgiveness, but angry she refused. He died before she could forgive him and now she is guilty. She also says she feels like she lost a peice of herself and will never be the same. It's been two years now and she has not recovered. We rarely talk, and when we do it's strange. She's not the same and says she has to move on and grow up. We are not best friends anymore. She has pushed me aside. It hurts so fucking much. She's the only person I would tell EVERYTHING to. the only one I felt like I had. I don't know who she is anymore, just another person who has left me alone. I tried to help her, I have her time, but I am afraid that I have lost her forever. All my friends have moved away for college and we're loosing contact.

Now, I'm sitting in my dorm alone. I normally stay with my boyfriend because I don't get along with the people here. Well, he got a phone call from his friend wanting to hang out. The same friend that lives near by and that he sees a lot. Well, I said ok and continued to my math homework, but my boyfriend started hinting that he wanted me to leave. I was struck. Leave??? He wanted me to leave so he could hang out with his friend, who he would probably see over the weekend while I'd be trapped at home as always. I have to go home tomorrow, and this guy lives walking distance away from my boyfriend. So I left without saying much, I got my stuff together and came downstairs to my own room. It's been about two and a half hours, I'm starving because it's dinner time and I guess I'll go get something to eat alone. He has my car keys too. He said he didn't want me to drive off and do something stupid. He knew I was having a rough day and I've been known for popping pills when I can't cut. So what the fuck does he expect me to do? How sweet, he wants me to go to my room and stay there... alone while he has his fun while I'm crashing. How nice. Ugh. Great, I think he's just getting tired of me. I feel pushed aside and unwanted. Why couldn't I hang out with them? I never do. Ever. I'm with him all the time during the week, and he's with his friend all the time during the weekend. Maybe he's tired of seeing me, tired of me. I mean.. geez, I'm leaving tomorrow morning anyway!

I really wish my best friend was here right now. I miss her so fucking much. I feel so alone and empty. I have no one to talk to, and no where to go. Maybe I should just look at the mirror and see what a fucked up person I am. I'd probably be better off dead. What would it matter anyway? I'm already alone.

Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
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Re: Forever Alone... - January 29th 2011, 07:15 PM

Hello, Jessica.

I don't think you'd be better off dead at all, and you're not f*cked up. You have had some hardships throughout your life, and you're still struggling today... but things CAN get better. You're not alone, and you never will be alone, because there will always be opportunities to reach out to people, whether it be on TeenHelp or elsewhere. =)

I'm going to start from the end of your story and work my way up. In regards to your boyfriend, it sounds like he's trying his best to be there for you, but even he needs some space every now and then. If he can't hang out with his friend during the week (Monday - Friday), that only leaves the weekend. It may seem like he's kicking you out in favor of his friend... but please try to understand that it's the only time he has to be with that person. Maybe the reason why you're never invited to stick around is because your boyfriend wants to catch up with his friend, one-on-one. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you feel it's affecting your relationship, perhaps the three of you could arrange to meet once or twice a month for a few hours. That way, the transition from always seeing your boyfriend, to not seeing your boyfriend at all, won't be quite as abrupt.

You are right about one thing, though: while your boyfriend's intentions seem to be good, the way he's going about helping you isn't ideal. You said he kept your keys, so you wouldn't do anything dangerous to yourself, but you also said he sent you home to be by yourself. If he suspected you might hurt yourself while alone, he should have directed you toward a place where you would feel more comfortable. On the other hand, you need to take the initiative and seek help on your own sometimes, because he can't always provide that for you. Do you live on campus? Have you considered visiting the university's psych services office? Appointments with counselors are generally covered under the cost of tuition. When you're feeling the urge to hurt yourself, and your boyfriend can't be there for you, it may not be a bad idea to reach out to someone at your university.

I'll move on to your friend now. It sounds like she was severely affected by her father's passing, and she may be pushing away anything or anyone that reminds her of the past (when her father was still alive). Unfortunately, that means she hasn't been available to you. You can try two things in a situation like this: reach out to her and try to re-connect as friends, or move on and find new friends. I realize it's been two years since you've been close, but maybe she's also feeling lonely right now and wouldn't mind talking to you. Try something simple at first, like Facebook. Send her a warm message... let her know you've been thinking about her, and that you'd like to re-connect. Don't go into a speech about everything bad that's been happening in your life... that will probably just scare her away. Instead, treat her like you would treat a new friend, one you wanted to impress. With time, your friend may warm up to you again, and the two of you will be able to rely on each other for support. If that doesn't happen, I would suggest joining a club/organization where you can meet new people.

When it comes to your parents, I feel like you've done everything you can to have a decent relationship with them. With your mom, I would suggest finding ways to cope when you have to be around her. Focus on all the good things you want to get out of life, whether it be friendships, a job, etc. She seems like a very difficult person, and chances are no amount of love and attention will persuade her to treat you better. With your dad, I would send him the occasional e-mail, just asking him how he's doing and briefly talking about your own life (again, without going into a speech about everything bad). Make sure he knows that you miss him, and miss what you used to have with him. If you leave that door open to him, then one of these days, he may choose to get back in touch with you.

I wish you all the best. <3 Again, don't be afraid to reach out to people! You don't have to settle for a life of solitude... ever!

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