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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Why do I care? (somewhat of a long read) - January 29th 2011, 09:23 AM

I'm not sure if this is more of a rant or if it's asking for advice, but if you could advise me then it'd be much appreciated.

I'll cut the story a bit short because if I wrote out the long one, you'd probably die of reading.

I'm the only boy in my family, and I have 4 sisters, and also my parents are seperated. My father is European and my mother is American, she lives in America, and father obviously in Europe. I grew up in America from age 1 to 13 in a household of all women, and I genuinely don't mean to bash or to be sexist or anything to that effect, but growing up without a male figure significantly reduced my "manliness". I know that sounds like a stupid statement and probably a bit sexist to a degree, but it's just what I feel. I wrote that out because I don't know if it has any relation to my problem..

I live in Europe now, and it seems that most, if not all, of the girls whom I'm friends with are really fucking annoying attention whores. Maybe it's just me, but that's what I feel, once again. The problem which I'm referring to is that I care too much for them. We're just friends, known them (i'm going to discuss a specific 2 of them from now on) for about 2 years. One of them is OK I guess, she's okay to talk to online, but in real life she's annoying and I can't stand her sometimes.

The second one which is the one that pisses me off is really a different story, she's 14 moving on 15 in about a month and she (not sure if this is accurate), acts older than she is. She acts as if she's 18, she drinks and thinks it's cool. She smokes because it's "fun". She does blah blah because blah blah.

The annoying thing is that she usually talks to me as if I matter to her, but then slightly after, she just throws me out as if I don't exist. If you don't understand, let me give you an example of what I mean. A week ago we went out together (not as a date, but just because it was the weekend, so we went out because of boredom, lol), and about an hour after being out just doing stuff we're discussing her "problems" in life and going back to the point I was raised in a feminine household, I have a tendancy to not mind listening and discussing personal problems, especially with girls. I don't mind listening for hours and hours what it is, and I'll advise her from my point of view. Suddenly she has to leave, and I asked her what was up, she left because she found her other friends and left me alone to go hang out with them, in the middle of our "discussions". I felt a bit sad, I mean, I don't control her, but I feel it was just a bit rude..

And yesterday, we were Skyping at 2 AM because we were bored, and she goes "hold on 10 minutes I have to tell this guy something", and whatever I don't mind so she left for a bit. 30 minutes later I asked if she was going to come back (in a joking way), and she said "oh yeah sorry just a few minutes really sorry". The cycle kept repeating until about 5 in the morning at which point I just decided "fuck it, I'm done with this.". I felt a bit taken advantage of as this happens frequently with her and it's really annoying.

The problem is that whenever we're going into a situation which it'll obviously happen again (such as if she asks me to go out, skype with her, whatever the occasion is), I willingly and quickly say "sure!" even though 99% of the time, I'm going to be fucked over. I don't like her (for more than a friend), so I don't think that's the reason. I just care too much for her, and people in general.

Is there any possible way to curve this? I can't stand it, and sometimes I just want to tell her to fuck off but I just can't..
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Re: Why do I care? (somewhat of a long read) - January 29th 2011, 08:41 PM

(I'm going to move this over to the "Friends and Family" forum, since this concerns friendships vs. romantic relationships.)

Basically, she's treating you like a "girl friend". Many girls are afraid to speak up when they have a problem, so they'll try to pretend everything is okay while secretly feeling like crap. Family history aside, I'm giving you the same advice I'd give to anyone else: don't let your friends, male OR female, walk all over you. Respect yourself and speak up if you don't like the way you're being treated. If they don't change, then find better friends.

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Re: Why do I care? (somewhat of a long read) - January 29th 2011, 08:41 PM

I think perhaps you're afraid of having less friends or in some ways being alone which is why you tolerate being treated this way. Or even though you say you're not romantically interested in her, perhaps you are?

You've set the standard in this friendship and what I mean by that is you've made it acceptable to be picked up and dropped as it suits her (and your other friends) because you've never actually said "hold on a minute, my time is precious and I don't appreciate being used." People can't read minds so unless you communicate your distaste how is someone supposed to know? The fact that every time she pulls a "stunt" and you're giving the impression that you're fine with it is just telling her that she can carry on doing it and she may not even know she's doing anything wrong.

You can either speak to her, tell her how you feel and set your boundaries out or you can cut all ties and move on. Either way letting it fester below the surface is not healthy because if you don't already you'll eventually start to resent her and you'll set the map for your future friendships because you won't ever speak your mind.

You also seem quite disapproving of your friends (the 2 you've mentioned) so I can't imagine what's keeping you in touch with these people. Evaluate and prioritise, are these people really worth such stress or can you rectify the issues by just communicating, dealing with whatever the fallout is and moving on?

"The healthy man does not torture others. Generally, it is the tortured who turn into torturers" - Carl Jung.
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care, long, read

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