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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Cait Offline
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Name: Caitlin
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Question Can't let go - February 10th 2011, 02:45 AM

Ok So I'm 19 years old and I have 4 older brothers and 1 older sister. I didn't no about my sister till I was 7 years old She is my dads daughter and not my moms. My oldest brother left when I was young he said he was going out to play baseball with friends for the night and would be back by the time I woke up and the next morning I woke up and made him breakfast brought it into his room and he completly moved out overnight. My second oldest brother has cancer and has a 3 year old son who is amazing. My brother who is the 3rd oldest boy doesnt speak to me he's mommas boy and all he cares about is sucking up to my parents. The youngest boy who use to by my best friend has been in numerous life threatening car accidents all with severe head injuries. He has gotten severely addicted to drugs and no longer do we speak. He is living in a camp ground in the winter in a camper with his girlfriend. He doesnt want anything to do with me. He is always getting himself arrested. I try to live in the past because it was the happy days and the days I want to remember. But now i've gotten into drugs, i am in the process of moving out and am miserable
What do I do I tried talking to my family but they dont understand
please HELP ME!!
   
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Re: Can't let go - February 10th 2011, 11:15 AM

Wow that's so many events happened in short time, assumedly. You can PM me if you feel the need of doing so, I absolutely understand your point of view. It will be okay, just keep pulling through. (: x


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Re: Can't let go - February 10th 2011, 11:29 PM

Cait, it sounds like you are trying to make the best sense of getting along with your family. However, your family is quite a challenging group in itself. Firstly, it maybe a probability that whatever issues which caused your biological parents to divorce, those same problems may have not been solved and now you are witnessing the effects of this cascade alienating behavior. People seem to be leaving close family members or neglicting to pay empathic attention to each other. In order to leave someone in an instant, without warning, it is easier to do so when you don’t care about the individual at a deeper meaningful way.

So although you might think that you are solely responsible for your drug problem, you must also understand that you looked up to your parents when you were young, and they didn’t provide the proper foundation to ‘run’ the family and now the family has torn apart. You are not to be blamed. However, you still have a chance to dig yourself out from the rut. You obviously want to do it, (and that is why you’re here on this forums), but you don’t necessarily know how to do it.

By the way you described your family, I interpret it as they don’t know how achieve harmony with each other because there are some critical underlying problems which have either been ignored, or have been prematurely presumed to be solved. So if you believe you can solve your critical relational problems by consulting your parents, just make sure you remember that they can only give you the best answer of their ability; and their best answer did not solve their own relational problems.

So when you feel pestimistic about the suceeding of your relational goals, what that really means is that if you base the formation of your solutions on your parent’s opinions, then you might fail. But if you seek help from other people, you might suceed.

It already sounds like you are a much different person than your immediate family. But when you start to feel depressed, you might be thinking that you’re not too different from them. Afterall, when you are actually following your brother’s drug habit footsteps, you are becoming more like him, and that gets you depressed.

The first thing you must do is to find the ‘real’ you. We all know that there are no two people who are exactly alike. And if we pay even more attention, we begin to realize that we are really that different from each other. Find out what makes you different from your family. If you begin to copy their behavior then you’ll become just like them. I’m not suggesting that you leave your family because they are on the opposite track from where you want to go. I’m saying that you realize your true identity so that you may show your family that although you are different, you still care about them.

Finding your true identity is knowing what makes you happy. What makes you sad. What makes you pissed off; and what can you do to simmer your anger when you’re pissed off.

To find your true identity, you must be in an environment which is not over stimulating. If you’re in a war in Iraq, and there are guns a blazing, your reaction would be one that is fight or flight. That is your true reaction in a war zone. But we are not always in a war zone. We expect to carry the majority of our lives in a calm setting. So to find your true self in a setting that you plan to live for the majority of your life, you must go to a calm setting. Take some time away from your turbulent family. Take refuge with people whom you want to eventually grow to be more similar. They will let you experience how it feels to be in an effective communicating family.
   
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