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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy Manipulative Ex-Friend :( - March 6th 2011, 01:59 AM

At The Beginning Of The Last Skool Year, Me And This Girl Tori Became Really Close & I Ended Up Trusting Her For The First Time Ever. I Drifted From The Rest Of The Group I Went Around In And Got Closer To Her And Another Girl Georgia Over Time Who's Tori's Best Friend And Was Also Mine Up Until Now. At First We Got Along Brilliantly But Then This Boy In Our Class Begun Speaking To Us More And More. He Liked Me And I Liked Him But Tori Also Liked Him. I Didn't Know This Though Because Tori Kept Trying To Get Me And Him Together All The Time. I Thought She Was An Amazing Friend But I Didn't Realise She Was Faking It The Whole Time. A Few Weeks Later, She Begun Telling Him Stuff About Me Like That I Use Boys And Dump Them Because Of The Attention I Got But It Weren't True. He Didn't Believe Her But, After That, I Drifted From Tori.

A Few Months Later, Me And The Guy Broke Up And Him And Tori Begun Getting Close Despite What She Did. She Eventually Went Out With Him And Seemed To Have Changed. I Gave Them My Blessings And Went Out With Another Guy. A While After, She Turned Into A Huge Bitch Again & She Begin Spreading Rumours Around The School About Me. She Turned Our Whole Group Of Friends Against Me Except Two And The Whole Of My Class Eventually Turned Against Me And Constantly Taunted Me. I Only Had Three Friends Left After This.

When We Left School And A Few Days After I Begun College, She Started Speaking To Me Again, Saying How Sorry She Was And That She Wanted To Move On And Begin Afresh. I Didn't Want A Huge Grudge So I Forgave Her And Every Single Of My Friends Begun Coming Back To Me. Again, I Had Friends And Got Close To Them Again. Tori Was Acting Differently Than Usual So I Thought That Because She Wasn't With The Guy Anymore And Was Now In College, She Had Changed. Wrong. Up Until A Month Back, She Was A Great Friend And Started Trusting Me With Stuff.

She Begun Turning Nasty Again When She Set Up A Fake Email Address And Begun Sending Me Nasty Emails Calling Me A Slag & Everything. I Knew It Was Her Instantly And Even A Couple Of People I Had Gotten Close To Who Were Her Friends But Are Now My Best Friends Agreed Because Of How Well They Knew Her. One Of My Friends Confronted Her But She Denied Everything And Accused Me Of Turning People Against Her When I Hadn't. A Couple Of Her Close Friends Who Were Never Close With Me Begun Harrassing Me But Left The Other Friends Alone. I Didn't Care Much For Them But Then One Person I Had Known Since Nursery Who Is Her Closest Boy Friend Turned Against Me For A Reason Unknown.

I Don't Speak To The Girl Anymore But Now, But Seeing As We Go To The Same College, A Few Of Us Had Been Chosen To Do A Project, And We're Both In The Group Along With Some Other People In My College Course Who I Am Pretty Close With, Including My Best Friend Who I Have Known Since We Were In Nappies. Now, I Hadn't Had Any Problem With Doing The Project With Her In The Group Seeing As I Wouldn't Have To Talk To Her But, I Have Recently Been Told That Every Decision Has Been Made By Her And Everyone Agrees With Her. I Feel That She Is Taking Over Everything And I Feel Sick At How People Suck Up To Her. It Had Already Been Three Weeks And She Seems Pretty Close To People In Our Group Already Except My Best Friend.

I Know I Have Said A Lot But I Felt That It Wouldn't Make Sense Without The Full Story. Im Actually Scared She's Going To Turn My Best Friend Against Me Because She's Really Manipulative. One Of My Friends In My Course Have Already Got Close To Her And It Sickens Me. I Don't Know What To Do. How Do I Work With The Girl When Everyone Sucks Up To Her? How Do I Act When I'm Working With Her? How Do I Get Over The Fact That She Might Turn Everyone Against Me?

Thank You And Im Sorry You Had To Read All That
I Appreciate All Advice.
   
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Re: Manipulative Ex-Friend :( - March 6th 2011, 08:47 PM

Its ok i am going through something similar with my ex friend. Its hard and i have the same worries you have. Since your close to this friend you should confront this friend and be like hey i gotta tell you something. Etc.
Pm me if you ever need to talk more about this <3


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Re: Manipulative Ex-Friend :( - March 6th 2011, 08:48 PM

First of all, please stop with the caps on every word, it's kinda tiring to read...

Second, as far as I can tell, you're afraid the past will repeat itself. There's nothing wrong with being afraid for that and if you say she hasn't changed much, chances are there that she will do the same again. You and your current best friend are close and perhaps you could tell her about what has happened between you and the manipulative girl in the past. Explain to her what has happened and tell her that if the manipulative girl ever starts talking crap about you, that it's not true.

Lastly, I think that, although you have good reasons to be careful around her, you have to try to let it go. Maybe she has changed, apart from the wanting to be dominant and leading. Real friends don't believe crap about you until they've had confirmation from you personally. You're in college, past High School, people mature as they get older, so truth lasts the longest. If you disagree with what she's doing, speak up and tell her why you disagree in a mature way. She will grow up at some point.

You can do it!





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Re: Manipulative Ex-Friend :( - March 6th 2011, 09:18 PM

As said above, I hate reading something when every single bloody word is capitalized and usually will not respond to someone who types in such a way.

As for the girl Tori, I'm not sure what she is trying to manipulate because when you manipulate someone, you do it for a certain desired outcome in your favour. It seems as though she's stringing you along but you're also choosing to be with her, although in the group project you don't have much choice. People probably listen to her because she acts confident, probably is smart enough in the subject area to, and they may just feel it's better to put up with her rather than start opposing her. She may also be friendly to them, either genuine or feigned friendships.

I wouldn't advise you to oppose her while group members are around because even if they don't care for her, it now shows them they've got someone else bothersome to put up with. If you are going to oppose her, do it outside the group and away from many people at college. I say this because attempting to oppose her in front of them may work against you from the negative reactions you'll get and since you're quite self-aware, that may translate into you simmering down.

There are several ways to deal with your ex-friend, I'm not advocating which is better and you choose the one you want (or don't choose any of them). First, someone is manipulative as she is will be narcissistic. One of the ways to oppose them is to knock down their ego, this doesn't mean you need to be more of a narcissist. Second, if someone is manipulating you, if you're good enough, you manipulate them to a greater extent. If you are to do this, do some of it outside of the group but still in-person. When it comes to the group work, you don't need to verbally oppose her, you can simply give facial signals to her, mention something that represents what you've done to her but in a cryptic way so others don't understand, etc... . Third, she does her stuff to you and you act in a way showing it no longer affects you then doing/saying just a small thing that allows you to manipulate her. Lastly, have your friends know what she's like so when she begins her stuff, you can maintain a strong social network.

If I were you though, I'd try to figure out why she does all this in the first place. Either it's displaced jealousy or anger for whatever reasons, strong personal grudge against you or something similar. Alternatively, entertain the possibility of a mental disorder, particularly a personality disorder such a borderline. Find out if she does this to others.

I think the best way for you to deal with it other than manipulating her, is to put your foot down and stand up no matter what she throws at you. Part of the reason why she keeps doing this is because she gains confidence and knows you're not going to oppose since you haven't opposed in the past to a significant degree. Don't tell her that you don't like what she's doing and hope she'll say "sorry" because it's not a sincere apology. Even if she apologizes, don't let your guard down. I don't mean to say you show dominate her, rather if she begins to show the slightest hint of doing her stuff to you, stand up right away and prevent anything further from happening.


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
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Re: Manipulative Ex-Friend :( - March 6th 2011, 10:03 PM

Sorry about the capital letters, it's kind of a habit.

Purplekc95 - Thank you, i will PM you if i need help.

Xineas - Honestly, i know she hasn't changed. Its too good to be true. She has always been manipulative towards me and never seems to stop, so i can't believe she's changed anymore. But, thank you.

Wow!USaidSomethingSmart - I'm actually done with Tori now. I don't speak to her and i was the one who locked her off. She is smart yes, but, she's also the one with the less experience in what we're doing. I'm guessing she has a grudge but i don't know the exact reason. I have always opposed to her but i'm not the sort of person to hold a grudge against somebody. Thank you for the advice though.
   
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