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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
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My brother - March 11th 2011, 10:07 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey all!

I have a brother. He turned 13 on Christmas. I would like to think that I take a fair part in raising him, as his dad basically abandoned him. The problem that I'm running into is his attitude. He will be playing video game, on the computer, with friends, or anything and he will yell out things that would be triggering to those who self harm, and those who have been molested. I've got him to stop with the comments about self harm, but I can't seem to get him to stop yelling out swear words, racist remarks, offensive slurs.

I've talked to him about this countless times. I've said it's offensive, and all that. I've talked to mom. He won't say anything offensive if mom is home, but when she leaves all I hear is vulgar, offensive language. It's not so much that he says it, it's that he yells it for the world to hear. I get that a lot of it is his age. I've talked to him, and I've talked to mom. I've explained how offensive he is.

What can mom and I do so that he stops with this language/behavior?


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My brother - March 11th 2011, 11:50 PM

He's gotta wanna stop on his own. He's just testing the waters at this age to see how far you and your mom are able to go. You should restrict him from seeeing his friends or playing games if he continues to talk like that.


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Re: My brother - March 11th 2011, 11:52 PM

What seems to trigger the cursing? I mean, it's one thing if he's losing in a video game, or is frustrated with a friend while playing a video game. It's another matter if he's cursing because he thinks it's funny, or because he's trying to upset you, or because he can't control himself (ex. Tourette's syndrome).





   
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Re: My brother - March 12th 2011, 12:01 AM

I think that it's a combination of all that you've said.
Like.. he will yell those comments when he loses, or just in general.
If mom hear that, she WOULD punish him. I'm not allowed to.

I'm not looking for a punishment, or an ultimatum. More of a motivation to make him stop?


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Re: My brother - March 12th 2011, 12:04 AM

Well when your 13 friends are all you want to be with so motivate him with that.


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Re: My brother - March 12th 2011, 12:13 AM

Well, you could certainly try that... but it'd have to be a pretty good reward for him to stop cursing altogether, or at least drastically limit the number of times he curses per day. I suppose you could keep track of his cursing for a few days, and come up with an average (Ex. he curses approx. 20 times per day). You could then approach your mom and say, "I think we should reward my brother by offering ___________ if he can go the entire week without cursing more than x number of times per day/week." For example, if it's 20 times per day/140 times per week on average, then you could make the goal 10 times per day/70 times per week. Each week, cut it down a bit more, until your brother is allowed to get away with 2-3 times per day without losing the possibility of having a reward at the end of the week.

Of course, the reward system isn't always effective. It really would be ideal if your mom were willing to sit down with the two of you and discuss possible rewards/punishments for excessive cursing (or not cursing).

---

EDIT: Something else you could do (which is rather sneaky IMO) is punish him, but not make it about the cursing. For example, when he's playing a video game and starts cursing, you could say, "Okay, I think you need to take a break." When he asks why, you could say, "Based on how much you're cursing, it sounds like this video game is making you upset. I think it would be a good idea to calm down for half an hour, then come back and play when you're in a better mood." After this happens a few times, your brother is either going to 1) find something else to do or 2) bite his tongue while playing video games. Make sure your mom gives you permission to enforce this, though, and make sure she knows it's not a "punishment".






Last edited by PSY; March 12th 2011 at 12:19 AM.
   
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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
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Re: My brother - March 12th 2011, 12:19 AM

I like the averaging idea! Thanks Robin, I think I will try that.
<3


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Re: My brother - March 12th 2011, 12:23 AM

well he is 13 and 13 yr old boys can be a handle full form my experience my lil brother can be the same way he is also 13 so he can be ugh but u cant give up psy had a good pt so try wat she said i got mine to stop bye telling him he was disrespecting me and your family so he needs to stop and i know that got to him cuz we are very very close so idk if that will work but good luck boys will be boys




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  (#9 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
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Re: My brother - March 13th 2011, 05:57 AM

Thanks for all your responses. I talked to my mom, and we are going to try all of your suggestions.

Tonight, mom confronted him, and basically grounded him for all the things he has been saying.
He apologized sincerely, and promised he would work on it. He apologized after I told him that the things he said personally offended me.

Because the issue is pretty much resolved, and I got what I came for, I am going to close this.
Thanks again for all your help<3


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