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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Harmony♥ Offline
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Not sure how to handle it... - March 15th 2011, 09:47 PM

A very good friend of mine that I've known since the 4th grade recently got engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years. I've known her since 4th grade, like I said, and I've known him since I was a Freshman in high school, before they started dating Sophomore year. I've been close to both of them since forever, and I love them both.
When I found out that they were engaged and were planning their wedding, I invited them over to my house, along with another engaged friend of mine, to talk about wedding details they had already gotten together. Everything was going well, and she even asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was elated when she asked and said yes right away! We always told each other when we were kids that we'd be in each other's weddings.
But, today, as I was sitting in my boyfriends room and watching him play video games, I recieved a notification on my phone from Facebook that said I had a message from her. I read it and it said that she wanted one of her Fiance's cousins to be in the wedding so she can get to know her, therefore, I couldn't be in the wedding. Just like that, I was thrown out like trash for someone she doesn't even know.
I sent her a message back just a little bit ago saying that not only am I upset about it, I was also hurt and that I wish she had made this decision before asking me to be in the wedding since I got my hopes up that I was going to be a part of it.
I am SUPER hurt about it, and I don't know what to do. Part of me doesn't even want to attend her wedding. And, a part of me doesn't want her to attend mine, since my boyfriend and I are in talks over our own wedding in the near future.
I can't help but cry and think about it now. So much for a good day. Any advice would be helpful.











I may wear the glass slippers; But my hero wears combat boots <3 I love you, Lieutenant




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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Not sure how to handle it... - March 15th 2011, 10:34 PM

Hey. I'm so sorry to hear that happened. That's not the nicest thing of your friend to do, and while she had a good reason for wanting the other person in, the way she handled it would be very hurtful to you. Again, I'm really sorry.

I think, however, before you decide not to attend her wedding or finalize your wedding party, you need to just give yourself a few minutes to step back and think about everything. I know that's hard to do, but she might have made a mistake, and you did the right thing by telling her how you feel, but now you both just need to cool off.

Friends sometimes grow apart, and I don't know if you feel that's happened to you, but maybe that process has started. Being friends since 4th grade is a very long time, and I am sure you are both incredibly different people from how you were back then. Maybe you could write her a letter about how you feel? You don't even have to send it! Just know that it's there and you got your feelings out without hurting hers or saying something you might regret later.

You weren't necessarily thrown out like trash, but it was a cruddy thing to do. Being in a serious relationship yourself, however, you must realize that sometimes we make sacrifices for the people we love. Perhaps it was something her fiance asked her to do or something she felt pressure from other family about. It's hard to say. Should she have handled it better? Probably. But I'm not in her shoes, and neither are you.

I'm sure you have other great friends to spend time with, take this chance to strengthen those bonds. This will work itself out one way or another. Sometimes, it's the hardest moments that help us to figure out who our true friends are.

If you need a sounding board or anything, you can PM me. I hope things start looking up! Keep your head held high and take care of yourself!

-Kate



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Harmony♥ Offline
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Re: Not sure how to handle it... - March 15th 2011, 11:48 PM

Thanks, Kate. That really helped (you give awesome advice, by the way!)
I'm not sure if we're growing apart or not, but we don't hang out as often as we used to i.e., in high school and grade school. I was dating someone who lived an hour away (this was before my current boyfriend) and spent a lot of time with him during and after high school, so I guess our bond isn't as tight as it was. And, she's away at school during the week. I've tried making our bond stronger, but it obviously doesn't seem to be working out too well for me.
I'm afraid that I've been losing a lot of friendships. I sent a text to my other engaged friend, and she said that she felt bad for what happened. She was even acting like she had a say in the matter. She's my friend's maid of honor in the wedding, and I was in the running for her's but I don't think I'll get it. This other engaged friend I've known since Kindergarten, which is a long time too.
I'm afraid I'm losing all of my friends. I rarely hang out with anyone outside of those two anymore, as all my friends are over 21 and go out to the bar's and everything and have made new friends. The only people in my life now is my boyfriends family and my own family. I feel like I have no one else.
Which makes this situation even more shittier than it was. I don't know what else to do.











I may wear the glass slippers; But my hero wears combat boots <3 I love you, Lieutenant




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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Not sure how to handle it... - March 16th 2011, 12:42 AM

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened. I can imagine how it must have felt to go from being OMG SO EXCITED to WTF JUST HAPPENED. I agree with Kate: take some time to cool off. Could be a week, could be a few weeks, but with time, you may be able to see all of this in a different light.

One thing I do want to point out is that weddings aren't solely about the bride. It's about the joining together of two families. You said you are also friends with the groom - so keep that in mind if you decide to not attend the wedding. Just because she screwed up doesn't necessarily mean your other friend should have to deal with the consequences as well.

Maybe your friend felt pressured to include family members among her bridesmaids. Again, that doesn't make what she did right (in fact, I probably would have handled the situation far worse than you did!), but that's something else you could bring up the next time you talk to her.

Overall, I wish you the best of luck in sorting things out with your friend. <3






   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Harmony♥ Offline
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Re: Not sure how to handle it... - March 16th 2011, 12:51 AM

I just said that I didn't want to attend her wedding because I was upset. This fact though, I didn't tell my friend. This was just my fault.
In all honesty, I think that they'll even get to their wedding date. He has strayed before in their relationship, and she knows about it. She even told our other engaged friend the day before he proposed that she would say no, if he asked. But, she said yes. They're wedding is on Halloween of 2013. Who's to say that she doesn't even like this girl? I don't want to be the one she comes crawling back to when things don't work out. Is it wrong for me to feel this way if it does come to this?











I may wear the glass slippers; But my hero wears combat boots <3 I love you, Lieutenant




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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Harmony♥ Offline
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Re: Not sure how to handle it... - March 17th 2011, 04:17 PM

UGH! Why people chose to confront their problems on facebook is entirely crazy to me.

Yesterday, my grandmother sent me an IM through facebook just wanting to talk. She asked me if I had seen what my friend had posted on her status. I replied, No I hadn't, but I'd check it out. So, I did a quick search of her name and pulled up her page. It was the first status that she posted that day and it went something along these lines "some people do not handle situations well..they feel the need to run and tell everyone what happened instead of just dealing with it themselves...". My grandma said she replied that even she needs help with dealing with stuff sometimes.

I got upset and sent my friend a text saying "I seen your status update, and if it's about me, I did not go around telling everyone". And, all she replied back was "Mmk". As if she didn't believe me. This is when I started to get pissed off. I sent back, "It's obvious that you don't believe me. The only person I told was Aubrey (other engaged friend) but she already knew, Kris (boyfriend) since he asked me why I was upset and crying, and my grandmother because she is the person I tell everything too." It took her a while to respond but she said "I had to do it. Just because your not in my wedding doesn't mean I don't love you." I replied back just an I know, and I had said everything all I wanted to say in the facebook message I sent to her.

This is not the first time this friend has done something to me, but nothing to this extent. It's upsetting because I've always been there for her through her hardest times, and she chose to put someone she doesn't even know in her wedding. I'm reconsidering my friendship with her, and I hate to do that. But, none of my other friends have ever done anything like this to me.

I am seriously at a loss as to what to do!











I may wear the glass slippers; But my hero wears combat boots <3 I love you, Lieutenant




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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Not sure how to handle it... - March 18th 2011, 03:06 PM

I'm sorry I haven't been around much to offer advice. I feel like the whole situation has been blown a bit out of proportion by your friend. You told a few people, but if she makes a decision like this, she has to understand that people are going to find out and hear both sides of the story.

It sounds like you and your friend both have some issues to work out in the relationship. If she says she still loves you, that's great, but I really think the next best step is taking a break from each other, at least a little bit. It will help you to hang out with other friends and just relax a bit.

You don't even know for certain that the status was about you, as she didn't confirm or deny it, it sounds, and perhaps she was doing it to get a rise out of many people. It sounds like she may like the attention.

I'm sorry I can't be of a ton of help, but I hope you two can work it out. Just give yourself a break. The wedding isn't for quite a while, and that gives you the chance to reevaluate the situation more than once.

I hope things look up soon! I know arguments with friends are hard.



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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Harmony♥ Offline
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Re: Not sure how to handle it... - March 19th 2011, 01:12 AM

Thanks! And, no, your advice is actually helping me.
Yesterday, being St. Patty's and all, my boyfriend and I drove home from his house a couple towns away from where I live to come back out to where my house is (since all our friends are here) to play baseball and drink a little bit. I stopped at home to check on the status of my car that needs to be fixed and I started talking to my grandma about it. She says she really hopes that I stick to what I said about not falling for it if and when she asks me to be a part of her wedding again. Usually, I don't because I feel bad for saying no. But, I'm sticking to my decision and I haven't spoken to her since the day I sent her the text. Your right about her not confirming or denying the status was about me, but I've known her for so long that I just knew it was. It bothers me that she feels the need to say something over Facebook instead of confronting me head on about it, even though she says if she has something to say to someone, she says it to their face. I'm beginning to see her true side, as she also complains to me about one her roommates at school, about how terrible she is, but is then completely nice to her face about it. I'm not one to sit back and take all the crap given to me without confronting that said crap head on. I wish she'd have done the same.











I may wear the glass slippers; But my hero wears combat boots <3 I love you, Lieutenant




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