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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ac2 Offline
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I feel like a failure - March 17th 2011, 07:16 AM

Mom said, she'd always wanted a daughter. She wanted one, so badly. When she found she was pregnant, she says, she prayed and hoped so dearly that I would be a girl. And guess what? She got her wish. She got me.
She says, she wanted her daughter to look exactly like her sister, Wendy.
But as it happens, I don't look a thing like her, or anyone in her family. I'm nearly a mirror image of my father. Her eyes are pale blue, whilst mine are the color of darkest chocolate. Her hair is (or was, before she went grey) dark blond, whilst mine is a walnut wood brown, and falls around my face in slightly wavy locks. I have her nose, somewhat. But aside from that, we look nothing alike.
I've had difficulties, in my teenage and young adult life. Mom says that, a long time ago, all she thought about was how much she wanted a girl and nothing else. She didn't do any thinking ahead whatsoever. She didn't give a thought as to the person her daughter might be, about things that might happen, or what her life would like when she was older.
So she got more than she bargained for, I guess.
I feel like I'll never be good enough, you know. I feel like I'll never be what the world wants me to be. Sometimes I wonder if I would have made a better guy than a girl. Shit, sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if I'd never existed. It's so hard to feel good about myself when it seems like I can never do anything right, when I always fail.
   
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Xineas Offline
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Re: I feel like a failure - March 17th 2011, 09:57 AM

Hey,

I'm sorry you're feeling like a failure. You're really not, honestly.

You have to remind yourself that it's your life you're living, not your mom's. She has expectations, but as you said, she didn't think ahead whatsoever, so you can't do anything wrong! I'm sure everyone gets those boy-girl thoughts once in their lives, at least I did when I was 12-13. I have three sisters, hence why.

Look at it like this: you are who you are and nobody but you can change that. It doesn't matter what the world wants you to be. If people can't accept you for who you are, then it really is their loss, because they'd miss out on the great person that you are. I don't think you're failing, I think others are failing to tell you you succeeded whenever you did, rather then telling you you failed.

The glass is half full, not half empty! Stay positive, you can do it!





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Re: I feel like a failure - March 17th 2011, 04:11 PM

Hey!

I'm sorry that you feel this way. No one should ever feel like their a failure, and it always cuts so much deeper when someone else tells you that you have.

You just have to remain positive. Your mother is your mother. Of course, she is going to want things, but sometimes, those things just don't happen. She got her wish for a girl. But, what she failed to realize is that you might not look anything like her side of the family, that it takes two people to make a child, and the male in said situation determines features as well as the sex of the baby (I recently learned this and thought it was kind of cool).

Your mother might be acting the way she is is because she failed to protect you from all those things that you feel went wrong in your life. I know you said that you had rough teenage and young adult years, and every parent wants nothing more than to protect their child from mistakes that can be made, or hardships that can be faced.

In a situation like this, you need to talk to your mother about it. Tell her that by saying those things, they were hurtful to you and make you feel like she wishes you were someone else. To me, communication is the best form of advice I can give to someone. It might be a little scary opening up your true feelings to someone, but she's your mother. She will always be your mother, and she will always love you.

I wish you the best of luck, and like previously said, the glass is half full! Stay positive and other's will see that you're ok! That's what they need to see.











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Re: I feel like a failure - March 17th 2011, 04:11 PM

I couldn't agree more with Daniel. =) Most parents have high expectations for their children - even if they don't really do anything to contribute to their children's success! I have felt pressured to succeed for my mom's sake because... well, "she gave birth to me". And looking back on my adolescent years now, I can see how absolutely idiotic that line of thinking was! Yes, we do "owe" our parents for all the years of love and support they have given us (assuming they aren't abuse/negligent parents) - but ultimately, we are their children, NOT their slaves or indentured servants. We need to get out into the world and live our own lives, vs. spending our entire lives trying to please the people who (supposedly) prepared us for independence, success, and happiness.

On a side note... blue eyes are recessive. So if your father had brown eyes and your mother had blue eyes... it's her fault for expecting you to have blue eyes! =P I personally LOVE my brown eyes, and hope you do as well. =)






   
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Re: I feel like a failure - March 17th 2011, 08:49 PM

Hey there,

It sounds like your mom is putting an insane amount of pressure on you without trying. She probably doesn't realize that you are feeling like this. You should really try talking to her one day about. Causally bring up the fact that you don't feel like you are living up to your moms wants and wishes. She can really assure you that you are the perfect how you are. Really, you aren't a failure. Being yourself is not failing. You have to learn to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Robin is right. Never live your life according to how you think others want you to live it. You will never be satisfied with that, Set your own standards. You're 21, it's time you create your life. If you do decide to talk to her about this, make sure you aren't blaming her for your unhappiness. Because truthfully, the way you are feeling can be reversed by the actions you take.


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Re: I feel like a failure - March 20th 2011, 04:41 AM

Hey! I just want to start off by saying I love brown eyes and brown hair! Hehe, honestly, genetics is a funny thing, isn't it? Gene inheritance is random, it's not like you or your parents could have changed it by trying, so this is definitely not something that you should feel bad about.

Don't ever think about 'never existing' ): You are the daughter that your mom always wanted. Your mother cares about you, there is no doubt about that. She would be so so so sad if you weren't around, and she would probably be upset if she learns that she hurt you so deeply ): You are a precious person, don't forget that! Have you ever talked with your mom about how you feel? I think it would help if you had a special talk with your mom, a sweet mother-daughter heart-to-heart. Share your feelings with her, your mom might not be aware that you're hurting.

I went through something similar when I was growing up. My mom was a perfectionist, and she expected the same from me. The 'expectation' that my mom had for me tormented me all through my childhood, but my mom herself had no idea that it was hurting me so much. She only realized this much later when I had a serious talk with her.

Remember, you are amazing, just the way you are (: Best wishes!
   
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