TeenHelp (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/)
-   Friends and Family (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f18-friends-family/)
-   -   Non-PG13 (Strong Language): family fights (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f18-friends-family/t69618-family-fights/)

Pink-devil March 17th 2011 09:09 PM

family fights
well i was just trying to talk to my mum and brother and they accuse me of biting their heads of and also they bite my head for no apparent reason and i am getting pissed off with it i just want it to fucking stop but i cnt talk to them coz they will say i am biting their heads of plus they blame everything on me and cant see that they are doing it i fucking hate it

can some one please please help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :mad:

PSY March 18th 2011 01:53 AM

Re: family fights
Hey there! Welcome to TeenHelp. =)

First, try to calm down. I know it can be reeeeeally frustrating to deal with family members who are always yelling at you... but if you let your anger get the better of you, it's going to cloud your judgment. If you can't think clearly, you can't solve your problem. So before you approach your family members, ALWAYS remember to take a few deep breaths and relax before entering the room.

Second, I think it may help to write down what typically happens before, during, and after these arguments. Your emotions will affect the attitudes of those around you, and vice versa. So if you are frustrated, and that frustration can be heard in your voice/seen in your face, your family members will immediately go on the defensive. They may try to place all the blame on you, which will only serve to frustrate you further. That makes them even more defensive... do you see what I'm getting at? There is a cycle to every argument. Negative emotions and feelings fuel more negative emotions and feelings.

So how do you approach your family members? Do you try to smile (or at least keep a neutral facial expression) and calmly ask if you can discuss the problems you're experiencing? Or do you come into the room and start listing all the problems you're having? One approach allows your family members to listen without feeling threatened (and they may respond calmly in return), while the other approach immediately puts them on the defensive.

SparklingWine March 18th 2011 05:34 AM

Re: family fights
Hey there,

You're more likely to get a point across if you are calm, and not all hyped up. This will make it so you have a clear state of mind when you otherwise wouldn't. I have the same issues with my family. I think mine fail to realize that it's my attitude and I don't try to be that way. I think for you it's that you guys aren't seeing eye to eye. Something in the equation isn't adding up.

I think that you CAN talk to them. But the best and most effective way is when everyone is calm. When you are round up, people have a tendency to lash out when it isn't needed. I suggest that you wait till you are all calm, then request a family meeting. Let them know that you are feeling like they are always biting your head off, and also ask them why they feel you are bitting their heads off.

The last question is the most important thing to ask because this shows that you aren't attacking them, you are merely having a discussion. If the discussion gets heated, remain calm to the best of your ability. It seems like communication is off, so try to come to a consensus. Come to an agreement. Agree to work on your attitude if they do theirs. And when you feel like there is going to be fighting, it's best just to stay calm and leave the situation if possible.

I hope this helped. Take care!

Pink-devil March 18th 2011 04:12 PM

Re: family fights
thanks i think that it will help if i just stay calm its just i feel like i dont belong to this family and am not even part of this family because my brother is older and has learning difficulties and i feel like my mum is always helping him and i dont get any help especially as i am in yr 11 about to take my exams and i need all the help i can get plus i was talking to her about my resits and that i didnt want to do them and she was like well i think u should and i dont want to then she came out with well if you want crap grades then go for it and i thought that was bang out of orger what should i do coz i cant talk to her coz she will say it is nothing and that he doesnt always get the attention what should i do i feel really isolated :'(

PSY March 18th 2011 11:56 PM

Re: family fights
I can definitely see how having another sibling with a learning disability would eat up your parents' time. I guess they're expecting you to take care of everything on your own, which isn't fair. You may be old enough to manage some things on your own, but you still need to talk to your parents about your concerns from time to time. We ALL need that, even as adults.

After reading the example you gave us, I can understand where both you AND your mom are coming from. You're feeling stressed out about your exams. Either you genuinely don't want to take them again, OR you will take them again (and just aren't happy about all the work you have to put into studying). There IS a difference between the two. In the first situation, for whatever reason, you are deciding that taking the exams again won't serve any purpose for you. In the second situation, you know taking the exams again may help you in the long run, but you don't want to put in the time and effort in the short run.

Parents tend to view school and grades in a matter-of-fact manner (or with a black-and-white perspective). Ultimately, they want you to be successful in life. In most parents' minds, that means getting good grades so you can achieve your goals. So if the first situation applies to you (you genuinely don't want to take the exams), I can understand why your mom would be upset. In her mind, you aren't doing everything you can to ensure you'll succeed in the future; therefore, she's bound to be upset. If the second situation applies to you, however (where you intend to take them again), she may have just misunderstood you.

Basically, when it comes to this particular issue (and, really, all future situations), I would try to be as clear as possible with your mom. If you want her to help you with a problem (ex. find a tutor so you can be better prepared for the exams), tell her that that's what you need from her as a parent. She may not always be able to do those things, due to how much time/effort it takes to care for your brother, but she can at least point you in the right direction or give you suggestions (ex. talking to your school counselor instead). If you just want to vent (ex. talking about how stressed out you are), tell her so she knows you're not looking for a "fix" to your problem... you just want her to LISTEN and offer support. No matter how busy she is with your brother, she should be able to find some time every day to sit down and talk to you about what's going on in your life.

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:11 AM.

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
All material copyright 1998-2020, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints | Mobile