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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ontheBUS Offline
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Should I contact estranged dad? - March 31st 2011, 04:47 AM

My mom is going through bankruptcy and our house is foreclosing. My grandma was helping pay bills, but has to cut us off in about a month. My mom is freaking out about where she'll live. Right now I'm in a dorm (in the same town), and she is giving me an allowance for groceries and gas. I usually have a little left over, but it's still pretty tight.
I have had mental problems I THOUGHT were depression for many years, but was just diagnosed with severe ADHD, which makes much more sense. I am unable to get medication for a while, so for pretty much the whole time I've been living alone I've been self medicating with food. I'm not spending extravagant amounts of money on it, but it's becoming a problem to her. I go through really, really low spells and just buying lunch rather than eating a half melted TV dinner seems necessary when I'm feeling that way. It's depressing, but I typically spend that extra money eating alone and rarely have any left to go shopping or go do something with friends--it's sometimes my only source of comfort.
My mom found out that I spend money she gave me for a doctor's copay on food or going out and got really mad. She says I don't understand her situation, but that isn't true--I've been the one she vents to for years. It stresses me beyond belief and the last thing I want on top of my issues is more stress and more guilt!
I don't know how to deal with her, so I started to consider asking my dad for money. He is estranged, but lives in town. He is verbally abusive, and has gotten physical with me before, and when I've asked for money in the past he makes me WORK for it, as in he forces me to spend time with him (his wife has aided in wedging my family apart, and both have been abusive to me, so it isn't as simple as sitting down and being respectful). Even when I comply, she usually adds MORE terms on top of the old ones and holds the money over my head, or accuses me of "using him" (which i am not; I've only ever come to him for necessities, and he hasn't paid a dime for my college or my car).
I don't know if I am opening pandoras box by contacting him. Things are going to get tighter financially, but he blames everything on my mom, even though he sort of forced her into the financial situation she is in. I am totally stuck and I feel like no one can help me...which is why it frustrates me that my dad is living so comfortably and oblivious.
   
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Re: Should I contact estranged dad? - March 31st 2011, 07:09 AM

Hey there,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Honestly, I wouldn't call your dad wanting to spend time with you "work". I mean, think about it, he is lending you money, so it's only right that you do spend time with him. Though, if he was abusive, then I wouldn't engage with him, unless he is trying to do right by you. In that case, people do change. Can you get a job, as a way of making a living? You're in college, and I know how busy college can get. But getting a job would help you make money of your own, and would help with your depression because you are getting out of the house more. As far as the overeating goes, I think it might help you if you budgeted your money. Set aside a portion of money for food. Only use this money for food. Also, when you are feeling low, use another thing to make you feel better. Exercising is always good. It can release endorphins, which makes people happy. As far as your mom goes, I think you need to to branch away from her a bit. I think that she is bringing you down a bit. I think it would help to still be there for your mom, but gain a bit of independence.

I hope this helped!
-Lyndsee


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