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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Fictional Offline
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My brother... - April 7th 2011, 06:45 PM

He's so lazy, does nothing to help out if he can get away with it. He's eleven, and his one chore is to empty the dishwasher when it's needed. He won't even do that without a fight - usually with my dad. I hate it; they're always shouting and fighting. They end up shouting and throwing things and he plays all these jokes like pretending he'll stab me with the kitchen knife - he wouldn't, but even so... He just has this way of making everyone feel like utter crap, and he's absolutely insensative to emotions. he's always calling me names and I hate it =( Any tips on how to cope?


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Last edited by Fictional; April 7th 2011 at 08:09 PM.
   
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Re: My brother... - April 7th 2011, 10:42 PM

He's doing that likely because in his view, he can get away with it but when he's told to do something, he attempts and wins at fighting it off. To him, fighting it off probably is associated with being lazy and doing what he wants. I think it's more about power and domination, considering he's 11 and unless you have other siblings, he's the youngest. Generally the youngest gets treated well and I guess he has in that people did things for him, and he wants it to continue. Being 11, assuming he's the youngest, he views himself as having control over the family.

As for how to cope, I would say make him do his chores no matter how much he fights. If he throws something at you or at your father, he should learn he cannot do that. Since he gets challenged but wins, you have to challenge and you have to win. If I were in your shoes and he threw something at me when he had to empty the dishwasher, I'd drag him back and make him empty them. Alternatively or additionally, he has to know what he's doing is something he cannot get away with. He may know it's wrong to do but reasons if he can get away with it, why not just continue?

As for him calling you names, same deal, he does it because he can get away with it. I assume if you try doing it to him (if you have), he either runs to the parents getting you in trouble or he calls you more and more names until you give out. In that sense, he may think he always has an advantage over you because no matter what you do, he may be able to get you in trouble or knows that since he's been successful in the past, he'll be successful again. However, I think it's not as big of a deal as throwing things when he has to empty the dishwasher because I imagine he's throwing cutlery, plates or some other objects.

On my street we often have annual street parties and one kid, named Sam, was similar to your brother only he'd also resort to biting people pretty hard, putting stuff or his hand in their food, etc... . I think he was about 13 or so and I was finishing up my cake when he puts his hand in it, however, I was pretty much done so I didn't care. Eventually he did this to other adults, including his own parents when they had a full plate of food. He'd also throw basketballs or such things at them. He threw a basketball at me, hit me on the chin-nose part as well as making me drop some of my food. Needless to say he wasn't quitting and although his parents didn't like it, I went up, grabbed him by his collar, put him into a non-painful body hold while standing, brought him over to the food that fell, gave him a spoon and told clean it up otherwise I'll throw the ball at him (never did throw it).

Point is, if you show him that his actions mean consequences will happen and they will be severe enough, he should do his chores otherwise consequences increase. He can fight back all he wants but before he gets to throwing, you should have some control over him. Let him know that you won't punish unless he fights some more. I don't mean resorting to any physically aggressive tactics, rather verbally aggressive tactics and not letting him leave the area until it's done.

Alternatively, you could present him with a reward for doing the chore. It could be anything, as long as it's something he likes and that can be used over and over. Eventually, decrease the reward and have him still do the chore.


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Re: My brother... - April 8th 2011, 06:24 AM

Jessy,

I know how you're feeling. My little brother is 13 and his only chore is to take out the trash. But he never manages to do that without being asked 387438 times. Then, him and mom ALWAYS argue about this or that. It gets frustrating, and annoying. I totally get that. So how do I cope with it? I always felt like I had to intervene and solve the problems. Now I've learned to tune it out. When they are fighting, I stay calm and neutral. Sometimes I go out to where they are fighting and calmly change the subject to something. I'll ask a question or say something about me. It usually gets them to stop fighting for a bit. You can try that. Another thing that I do to cope is just go into my room and put on some music until the fighting stops. I also talk to a friend as well. The fighting never really lasts that long. You can do things that distract you and make it easy for you to tune the fighting out. When they are fighting, you can also go on a walk. Clear your mind and focus on something different. You can bring a camera and take pictures of the outside. That might be fun for you. I hope this helped. Take care<3


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