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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
asyoulikeit Offline
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Name: Marissa
Age: 29
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Letting him do this... - March 6th 2009, 06:17 PM

Hey :-/ I'm really worried about one of my guy friends, and I'm hoping to get some new input cause as of yet I'm stuck and keep thinking in circles.

Basically, he and this girl dated for a few years now (everyone i mention is high-school age) but recently they broke up. From what I've heard from both sides, it had to do with his depression and her not wanting him to be needy. However, now that they're "apart", SHE'S the needy one. She won't let him spend any time with other people, even though they're not together and they always always sit together and act exactly like they did before, sans hand-holding. She hasn't dated anyone else yet and I don't think she will but I'm quite frankly pissed at her for still manipulating his life. She guilt-tripped him into staying near her (threatening depression and worse) so now he can't and doesn't want to get over her. I'm not saying he isn't at fault; i don't know the whole situation and he's letting his life still orbit around her but it's killing him. His depression has been getting worse but my main question is whether I should try to get through to him.

As you might guess, he tends to shut his ears when anyone tries to tell him she's not worth it (the same when I tried to suggest getting help for his other issues). I know people have to make their own mistakes, but I don't want him to get worse should I just leave it alone? Or be there for him without mentioning her? Thanks...

When you say "never", I'll say "lie"
When you say "always", I'll say "true"
When you say "love", I'll say "you"
I'll say "you"

It gets better.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Letting him do this... - March 6th 2009, 08:45 PM

Hi Marissa,

It sounds like you've already told him this other girl isn't worth it for him to be feeling this way, but have you tried mentioning that he is worth it to other people? There may be other reasons he is feeling depressed that don't center around this girl. He needs to hear that his friends care about him and how he's feeling, rather than just telling him to get rid of this girl. He probably isn't shutting his ears to what you're saying, there's a chance he doesn't know what to do and is scared of feeling worse when she's gone. He doesn't know any different right now.

What I suggest you do is find some time to hang out with him away from this girl. Get a group together and just talk. Go out and do something fun! The best thing you can do for him is show him that he has people that care about him. Help get his mind off his depression and keep him busy and then he'll probably start feeling better.

I don't suggest you do nothing. I think it is really important that you talk to this friend and let him know that he can talk to you any time and that you care about him.


The great artists of our time are the ones who created something timeless. But it was never them defining it that way.
Everyone has a story. What's yours?
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
asyoulikeit Offline
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Re: Letting him do this... - March 7th 2009, 12:23 AM

Thanks, Nat it's hard to figure out how much is about his ex and how much isn't; the only thing I'm sure of is that she isn't helping. His family situation isn't the best (understatement) and lately I've been trying to distract him and he'll occasionally talk to me about himself, but only rarely. I'm scared for him- when I use the word depression, I mean depression- but I'm going to try and remind him how many people care about him.

When you say "never", I'll say "lie"
When you say "always", I'll say "true"
When you say "love", I'll say "you"
I'll say "you"

It gets better.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Letting him do this... - March 7th 2009, 12:28 AM

I agree with Nat. <3 Sadly, you cannot make him do anything, whether it would be better for him or not. Since you've already made your feelings known, at this point all you can really do is be supportive and be there for him.

We should plan a day soon for a bunch of us to hang out. Let me know what you think. =]

"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
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Re: Letting him do this... - March 10th 2009, 12:09 AM

shes crazy get him away from her
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Letting him do this... - March 11th 2009, 03:58 AM

Hey Marissa. I would have to agree that you should just be sure to BE there for him. Also, a date to hang out would be greatly appreciated, i'm sure. If the guy is who i'm thinking of, what do you say a group of us get together this weekend? me, you, him, jessi, and whomever else you think would be good for him could go to... cici's pizza on a time we might all be free. if you aren't working of course. Get back to me, and let's see about making plans with him. jessi's apperently game.

"Picture a young boy in pieces and streets with leveled malfunctions
No name to be called 'Redeemer'
I'll fix him restore him... With the love if no other
Think of all the things you did before
Write them in a letter that says 'Rebor

--Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow)
by Coheed and Cambria

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