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Icewillows Offline
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Unhappy May 1st 2011, 09:39 PM

(Sorry it's lengthy)

For years, I've been the one my friends have come to when they needed a shoulder to cry on (which pretty much ALL have split, divorced, or unmarried parents). They liked being in my stable home, with a mom and dad. They envied me. Now my friends only stable ground, and my only ground, is crumbling to pieces.

7 years ago, because of some ongoing feud between my dad and grandma, (They've never told me the whole story. My grandma tried to pay my dad not to marry my dad or something) my mom filed divorce on my dad. But it wasn't legal because we had only lived in that state for a month.

Now, the issue came up again, about 2-3 weeks ago. My dad and mom sat in the living room crying and woke me up. They said they'd stopped loving each other like spouses. Then it all made sense. That lady my dad had friended of Facebook... Betty. His high school sweetheart.

My mom and him had/have little communication. So, instead my dad told ME everything in the middle of the night when he woke me up with his bawling after reading an email I sent him about him and my mom working it out. I love both my parents soo much, but me and my dad had a special bond. He was having an affair. They'd even started to plan getting married. I know more than my mom about Betty, but she knows.

So, within a 2 week period, my ENTIRE life, all I'd ever known, turned out to be a lie. My parents had only stayed together for me and my sis. So, my dad moved to Utah with his girlfriend. We facetime. And I'm here... ripped in two. I've been smooshed like the creme between two oreo cookies.

Both my parents tell me things... often that I don't want to know. But, I'm filled to the top with secrets I can't tell the other parent. I'm living a lie. My sis thinks he's on a business trip. He is coming back in two months... with Betty...

OMG I'm just so scared, and confused. And to top it all off, I take harder classes. I NEED good grades. The usual A and B student is too stressed. I'm falling way behind on all of my work. I don't know what to do.

THEN, Betty sent me a friend request on Facebook. What do I do? She's gonna be my step-mom, but truthfully, I don't want to deal with her right now. I've stopped going on FB.

My parents aren't actually divorced yet though. YET. It will happen soon though, no matter what.

Thanks for reading my Epic-ly long rant...
Any advice on anything above? Idk...

Oh yea, and now my grandpa is loading me with MORE secrets...
Please... Even if you don't have advice, can you relate? or talk or... anything?
It would be VERY appreciated...
-Icey

Last edited by Icewillows; May 2nd 2011 at 06:55 AM. Reason: Merging consecutive posts
   
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Re: Confused, Divorce, Affair... OMG! - May 2nd 2011, 06:39 PM

Hey there. I've been through the divorce process... and the re-marriage process... and the divorce process again. It SUCKS, and it's not easy. So I totally feel for you.

Things aren't going to get better within a matter of weeks. Things may not get better after several months, or even after a year, because there are so many emotions involved. As your father becomes closer to his high school sweetheart, and your mom makes the transition from spouse to single woman, you're going to experience new and recurring feelings over and over again. You'll have to deal with them as they come, and unfortunately, "there's no cure for normal". Because these feelings are normal, I can't give you a secret, amazing way for dealing with them, other than finding healthy ways to cope with the stress. Write in a journal, hang out with friends, play video games, go outside for a walk/fresh air, pick up a new hobby, dive into your schoolwork... there are plenty of things you can try in the weeks and months to come.

Now, I know you have a close relationship with your dad - I did as well when my parents were getting divorced. HOWEVER, you are their CHILD. You are not the best friend who will take secrets to their grave. You are not the marriage and family therapist who is bound by confidentiality. Most importantly, you are emotionally involved in this conflict and it is not your place to carry all of these burdens. You have enough to deal with as it is. I know you probably think you have to be strong for your parents, and that you have to be a loyal, loving, accepting daughter... but guess what? You DON'T, and what your parents are doing right now isn't appropriate.

So what I would suggest is to tell both parents - today - that you are no longer carrying their secrets, because they are hurting you. Tell them that if they reveal any more information to you, you won't keep everything inside of you. You'll find an outlet, whether it be the other parent, or a friend, or a school counselor, or even TeenHelp... but make it clear that it's not your job to keep their dirty little secrets under wraps. Tell your dad that you will accept Betty when YOU are ready to do so - right now, I believe it's far too soon to suddenly say, "Yeah, we're Facebook friends, I forgive her for getting in the way of our happy little family." Furthermore, Betty may be your father's new wife in the future, but that doesn't mean you have to accept her as a mother figure - don't EVER feel pressured to do so in order to make your father happy. Do what makes you happy, do whatever it takes to stay sane throughout the divorce process/the aftermath.

I wish you all the best. <3 Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk. Like I said, I've been there before. Twice, actually. =P






   
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Re: Confused, Divorce, Affair... OMG! - May 2nd 2011, 10:58 PM

Thanks for replying. I've been thinking about just saying to them: "That's it! If you tell me, I'm telling mom/dad too!" Hearing that advice from someone else makes me feel a lot better about doing it. Now I'm just trying to keep up with schoolwork... It's still hard with so much on your mind. I'll start going on facebook again. Betty should know she's pushing it.

- Again, thanks for the reply,
Icey
   
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Re: Confused, Divorce, Affair... OMG! - May 2nd 2011, 11:07 PM

Yeah... the LAST thing your parents want is for you to tell everything to the other parent! Some secrets may give the other parent an advantage when going to court (for example, an unfaithful spouse may be entitled to fewer assets when the lawyers start negotiating how everything will be split up). So if you threaten to spill the beans if they don't respect your emotional well-being during the divorce proceedings, I think you'll be golden. =)

Betty may genuinely want to be friends, because she likes your dad and therefore wants you to like her; however, she should realize that it's too soon for you. I don't think there's anything wrong whatsoever with declining her friend request (I don't even think it shows up if you decline a friend request on Facebook...). If she ever asks, or if you want to, you could send her a brief message saying that it's too soon and right now, you don't really want to start a relationship with her. That will allow you to stay in your father's good graces (because you didn't outright say anything bad about her) AND in your mother's good graces (because you're not talking to the "homewrecker").






   
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