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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Question Is she seeing other people? - June 10th 2011, 07:23 PM

Hey, this is kind of hard to me, because I don't want to admit it (if its true anyway).
I think my mum might be going on dates and stuff. She's married to my dad, and its weird.
I posted on here like a year or 2 ago, because I thought she was seeing other people then. She was on this dating website called plentyofish or something, sending messages with hearts and stuff, I didn't actually see what they were about. So I wrote a letter to my dad because he was too hard to say to his face (he lives with us and everything, but yeah...) and he told me she just meets friends on there.
Well that might be true, but she still goes on it.
About a week ago we were looking at clothes on the internet, and her msn chat popped up, it said "what have you been up to on your dates then?" and she closed the little box very quickly. I mean, I know that might not be what I think, its just not what someone normally asks...
She's just gone out to the pub now, and she's really dressed up. She was asking for opinions, and mums and daughters do, and she changed her clothes and she was wearing really fancy, lacey red underwear. I know its nice to get new, snazzy underwear once in a while, but... :/ she had quite a fair but of makeup on, eyeshadow, the lot but she never wears makeup. Its extremely rare. She was rushing around, putting on lipstick and perfume and stuff.
Also, when I'm chatting to her in my room or something, she'll be on her phone, and she wont pay attention to me, she'll laugh or smile and carry on texting, and its really not nice for me.
I've never seen my parents close. The only time I ever see them hug or kiss, is when they will be apart for a week or two. Its only a peck though, and it doesn't look meaningful.
I don't know what to do. Its hard


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Re: Is she seeing other people? - June 11th 2011, 04:44 AM

If you want, think about the MSN message and what it means. Is it likely she is seeing one person other than your father? Possible but it's also likely she's seeing at least two other people, after all, you cant rule out your father as being the sender of the message. If he realizes she's so occupied online, then the best way to get information from her would be online, so that may be your father's thinking.

It may not be nice for you but it's making your mother happy. If you really are concerned, then confront her but I cant say you'll get any positive results, she may deny it or become saddened. Since your father seems aware, assuming he's fine with your mother going out, then let her be happy and go out. If your father also happens to leave when she leaves, they could be going out together with the plan of "re-meeting" each other, pretending they're back on their first dates with one another. Couples engage in "date-nights" and that kind of dating, so it may be what's happening with her and your father. If your father simply doesn't give a rat's ass what your mother does, again, let her be happy and see whomever.

As for you being ignored, you said you try to talk to her when she's on the phone. Manners state you wait to be talked to and don't interrupt, even when she's on the phone regardless of which room she's in. If you truly want to talk to her, if need be, make an effort and don't mope when she waves you off once. Although it may piss her off, be creative, temporarily block the phone or computer, hell even block her going out the door to talk to her. If she waves you off once and you mope about it, unwilling to take effort to try harder, sure you can blame her but you're to blame as well, take some initiative.

You could even try to talk together as a family; round up your mother and get your father to sit with you and just say what is going on. Say what you feel you need to but don't try to provoke one another or make it a pissing match. If I were you, I would have your father try to be in charge of the meeting or even your mother, certainly not you.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Is she seeing other people? - June 11th 2011, 07:56 AM

My dad never goes out like that, so there's no chance its him. When she went out lat night, he was in bed already. He's the type of guy who will go fishing very early in the morning on his days off, and come back later and go to bed. And if he's not doing that, he's a teacher, so he's up early anyway.
My mums work is about an hour away, and my dads is 30 mins away in the opposite direction. My dad finishes at 3-ish and is home by 4. My mum finished at 5 and is home by 7:30. So there's no chance they can run into each other like that.
As for the msn thing, he has msn, but only for emails and he has no contacts. He's not exactly computer smart either. When I saw the message, my dad was in the room on the sofa, and we don't own laptops.
When I said she's on the phone, I mean texting. Before she is I'll ask her to come chat to me before I go to sleep or something, and she'll come, I didn't mean actually speaking on the phone. When she does that, she's on it for like an hour or so, and she'll go in the garden so no one bothers her.


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Re: Is she seeing other people? - June 11th 2011, 08:31 PM

I hate to say it but it does sound like she is seeing others, although you don't know what she is doing while she's out. It sounds as though she wants some excitement and her husband isn't giving any at all. She probably does love him still but just wants some variety or a spark in life. Whoever she talks/chats/sees obviously provides that spark. She obviously still loves your father and you, otherwise it wouldn't make sense for her to stick around or even talk to you when you ask.

If it's not harming your family (I don't think it is but I'm not in your family), then let it be.


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
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Re: Is she seeing other people? - June 13th 2011, 12:40 AM

Hey there, Anna! That's a tough situation. =/ I'm not sure what I would do. I mean, if I felt like my father didn't know anything, I'd probably want to tell him what I saw (mother dressing up with fancy underwear and make-up before going to a pub). You already talked to your father about the website, though, and he's aware of your mother's activity on it. So there are three possibilities:

1) Your mother could be telling the truth (sometimes people really DO just want to dress up when going out with friends).

2) Your mother could be lying to your father (which obviously isn't good)

3) Your father may be aware of the situation, but be permissive and/or resigned to what's going on outside of their marriage.

At this point, you could confront your mother about what you saw, but you may discover some things about your parents that you'd rather not know. You could also confront your father, but again, you may or may not produce the results you're looking for. Whatever you decide to do is perfectly acceptable - there is no "right" or "wrong" answer - but give this some serious consideration first.

When it comes to text messaging and not being able to talk to parents, I've asked my dad to set aside time every evening where neither of us will answer our phones, whether it be calls or text messages. That seems to work out pretty well, so perhaps you could try the same thing with your mom. If you need to ask her something, let her know it will be brief and "it'll only take a few minutes of her time". If you need to talk about something else, let her know that you'll need to make use of that no-cell-phone time later in the day, and occupy yourself with other tasks (ex. homework, internet, hanging out with friends) in the meantime.

I wish you and your family all the best. <3 Take care!






   
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Re: Is she seeing other people? - June 14th 2011, 06:38 PM

Thankyou for the replies again.
I've thought about it now, and I've decided that I'd rather not know. I know it might make me upset sometimes, but within the next few days I would have totally forgotten about it.
If it makes her happy, then I can't do anything.
&I'll try that in the evening, it sounds good she did it again earlier. We we're looking up ballet tickets and then she just went and sat down to watch tv. Then about 10 mins later she got a call and took it. Now she's out collecting my brother from college. I'll try that method tonight


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