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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Fall brings Halloween. Winter brings snow. Spring brings flowers. Summer brings... Frustration? - July 7th 2011, 04:57 AM

I like on a farm in the middle of nowhere. But I'm not allowed to so much as step outside the fence without getting in deep trouble. Supposedly, because I'm a girl, it's not as safe for me to walk around the woods by myself.

My mom won't walk with me around the farm -- supposedly the only safe way to walk, even though she's told me a thousand times that she would. She's promised me three times that she'd go walking with me, and failed to live up to those promises every time.

I've talked to her about this. I even told her that I just wanted to spend some time with her in the three years we had left before I graduate, because I really do. She didn't reply.

I didn't invite my friends over when she said I could, because I know for a fact how my mom would act if any of them came -- she'd follow me around everywhere, and then when they left, she'd diss them or their family to my face and make me feel guilty for inviting them in the first place. She did it with everyone who ever came, even in grade school, and even toward our own family.

My mom won't let me go anywhere where she doesn't know my friends' parents, yet she won't go to meet those peoples' parents. I've asked her about it a thousand times before. She just acts like it's not important.

The other day after we got back from the doctor's office, she told me that she'd like to start a diet with me, and that way we could both have a support system. Yet again she failed to carry through.

I feel like she keeps dropping me to the curb and completely overlooking my needs. I can't talk to her about anything. Everything that I try to talk to her about, she just acts likes it's not important. She teases me about my boyfriend.

Anybody who has any advice or comfort: It's greatly appreciated. And does anyone know how to bring up the subject of family therapy -- or at least mother/daughter therapy -- to their mother?


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1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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Re: Fall brings Halloween. Winter brings snow. Spring brings flowers. Summer brings... Frustration? - July 11th 2011, 06:40 AM

If your mom doesn't want you to walk around by yourself, then unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about that, other than trying to reason with her... which I'm sure you've already tried. =/

In regards to going for walks with your mom, how does that usually play out? Do you pick a time that's convenient for you and ask her to go for a walk immediately? Or do you propose that the two of you go for a walk "sometime today"? If you haven't already tried this, sit down with your mom and say, "I really want to spend time with you, but we can never seem to line up our schedules correctly. Why don't you tell me when it's convenient for you to go out for walks, and I'll make sure I leave my schedule open for you?" It will be hard for her to say no when you're going above and beyond to ensure the walks are convenient for her. If she's STILL making up excuses, then I'm not really sure what to tell you, other than she doesn't really want to go out for walks (and only she can tell you why that is).

I've "been there, done that" when it comes to friends. My mom never wanted friends over at our place because it was supposedly always a mess. She said she'd let me go to their houses after meeting with their parents, but she never took the time to drive over to their houses and meet with their parents. I settled for telephone calls and instant messaging until I was old enough to drive myself to my friends' houses. I tried to reason with my mom plenty of times, but unfortunately, it never seemed to sink in that I needed a social life outside of school. I don't know if it's because she didn't care, or if she was worried about my safety, or if it was something else altogether... but I hope your mom CAN be reasoned with, both about the walking alone and meeting with friends.

The diet plan seems pretty obvious. If your mom isn't going to follow through with walks and meeting the parents of your friends, then why would she follow through with a diet?

You could approach the subject of family therapy by stating you'd like to try individual therapy. Don't even mention the family therapy at first. Make it "all about you", so your mom doesn't feel like she's being blamed or pressured into doing something she doesn't want to do. It may help to speak to your doctor in private and ask for a referral to a therapist. Then, when you arrive for a regular appointment, your doctor could sit down with the two of you and tell your mom that s/he believes you would benefit from individual therapy. Once you get your foot in the door, you can begin to talk about your problems with your mom (as well as problems in other areas of your life with friends, your boyfriend, etc.). After a few sessions, you could ask your therapist if it would be possible to invite your mom to your next session. If the therapist says it's okay, ask the therapist to call your mom and explain why she feels your mom's presence at the next session would be beneficial to you. Hopefully, your mom will also benefit from the session, and be more open to the idea of participating in future sessions with you (which would essentially mean you two would be participating in family therapy, just in a more indirect way).

Of course, the more obvious answer would be, "Talk to your mom about all of this," but I know that's not always easy to do. =P





   
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