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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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SarahJane Offline
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Unhappy My mom yells at me for crying - July 19th 2011, 09:59 PM

When My mom talks she is very brisk and I feel like she is yelling at me. Then I start tearing up since I really can't take people being angry at me. She gets mad and thinks I'm not really crying, or I'm doing just so she will stop scolding me. I have no idea how to explain to her that when she talks like that she sounds really pissed! She uses large hand gestures too, so I flinch a bit. Then she yells at me for thinking she was going to hit me. She says she would never hit me. We mostly fight about school, since I'm really stupid and I hate myself, and I get bad grades. She alwys says to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for my self. I HATE HER.
   
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Re: My mom yells at me for crying - July 20th 2011, 05:34 AM

First of all, you're NOT stupid. The grades you get don't determine your worth.
I also tear up when it sounds like people are mad at me. I'm sorry your mom doesn't understand that. Also, I fight a lot with my mom, too. PM me if you want to talk.
   
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Re: My mom yells at me for crying - July 20th 2011, 12:07 PM

Parents are always too expectant of their children, so as of what you've written is pretty normal, also if your having issues concerning what you're doing try and discuss some of these with your teachers see if you can reach a neutral agreement.

Also here's something that I think you should be aware of, parents always push their children to their breaking point sometimes this can be negative, but others learn how to cope with it. But in all honesty if you have to cry it's not a sign of weakness it's okay to let out the pain or whatever else it might be.

I hope this helps, also feel free to send me a PM if you wish to talk anything else I'll do my best to help you


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Re: My mom yells at me for crying - July 20th 2011, 04:20 PM

I can relate. My mom had two volumes: normal voice, and screaming. Because of that, I still flinch whenever someone raises their voice during an argument. That's problematic, because my dad has a hearing problem; therefore, he's ALWAYS shouting, regardless of whether or not he's angry at the time. What I eventually realized is that everyone has a certain way of reacting when they're upset. Some people make big gestures and have a certain tone of voice, like your mother does. Some people actually do the opposite - they become extremely quiet and shake uncontrollably, and that makes other people nervous. Of course, you also have everything in-between.

While I understand that you can't help flinching when your mom makes your big gestures, and while I understand that you automatically tear up when she has a certain tone of voice, I think it's important to remember that she's never resorted to physically violence, and she probably never will. This is her distinct way of reacting to a situation that is upsetting. You can either continue to react with flinching and tears, or you can investigate other ways to react that will be more "in line" with the way your mother reacts. For example, I used to simply sit and cry when my mom started yelling. I got tired of the same thing happening over and over again, so one time, I simply left the room and waited for her to stop. That was somewhat effective, but the most effective way to deal with her yelling was to yell back. Think about it: your mom is acting in a dominant manner, and you're acting in a submissive manner. If you react in a more dominant manner, though, the two of you will be on a more level playing field. I know it goes against your nature, but with practice, it gets easier.

Your mother has noticed how you react to her, and she doesn't like it. She just becomes more and more agitated when you DON'T challenge her... so defy her expectations and challenge her. Get angry for once. Get angry that your grades are slipping, and do something about it. Get angry that your mom resorts to this sort of behavior when you're not doing well in school. Use that anger to change things in your life - and eventually, you may not have as many conflicts with your mom, because the grades will no longer be an issue. Get a tutor, stay after school to talk to teachers, ask your mom to help you study for an upcoming test, etc. Show her that you can find other ways to deal with your stressful situation aside from crying. You can take control of your life. After all, I think that's what your mom ultimately wants to see you do. She probably doesn't enjoy the conflicts, either, but she doesn't know how else to motivate you when it comes to school. Show her she doesn't need to yell at you anymore, because the grades are no longer going to be a problem to fight over.





   
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Re: My mom yells at me for crying - July 20th 2011, 04:44 PM

First of all, grades only show you ability to answer trivial questions. I get good grades. A and B all the way. However I still don't place much value in them. If you got a question wrong, it's irrevlevant if you understand the topic as a whole. Teachers do not measure that, but just the ability to answer any specific question. They are simply letters to label and classify. They are a formality and really hold no importance. Do not even worry about them. As long as you give a great effort into them (And enroll in extra cirricular activities) and write a rocking letter colleges will accept you.

Secondly I get being fearful of a parent. My mother has at times hit me. Usually from behind so I cannot defend myself. I'm never beaten, it's always one or two quick slaps or punches. Because of that I'm paranoid if people are standing behind me. If someone taps me on the shoulder from behind I cringe. Secondly aside from violence the only other way she expresses any emotions is by shouting and screaming and swearing. It's unpleasant and while I was younger I couldn't keeep myself together during her shouting and would often get shouted at more for crying. These days I still cry. I do so in private however. What I would recomend is taking deep breaths during the arguements and closing your eyes. Mentally tell yourself it is not your fault. As PSY said reactions are everything. My mom hates when I state calm and speak in a level voice. I do just that. She gets no benifit from shouting at me. So eventually she does stop.

You will just have to put up with this until you are 18, but if you ever feel unsafe calling the police is your number one anser. It will not be fun having to deal with this, but sometimes parents are not right and the way they deal with situations are harmful.

PM me is you ever need anything.

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Re: My mom yells at me for crying - July 21st 2011, 06:01 AM

My mom yells at me all the time via phone (because she lives overseas) and when I start to tear up, my voice chances; and she yells. Honestly, I think what our moms are trying to do is build our independence because crying never really solves anything, you know what I mean? But I completely understand, they could seriously tone it down a bit. My mom actually just talked to me 30 mins ago via Skype, which ending up in me hanging up on her because I couldn't deal with her.

I think to solve this problem is to fight back - not physically, but when she's yelling at you when you're tearing; just tell her how you feel. Moms are there for a reason, they're supposed to be understanding like that. Just try it.

Good luck!
   
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Re: My mom yells at me for crying - July 21st 2011, 07:08 AM

I think your mother has the goal of making you more independent, deal with reality, have tougher skin and a thicker backbone. When you cry she may get upset by thinking you're over-dramatizing the issue and are too weak. She may also want an answer out of you but doesn't get one or if she gets one it's not the ideal one she wants. If I cried when my dad yelled at me today or tomorrow, he'd probably tell me to quit being a drama queen, pull my head out of my ass and stop being a baby. The last time I cried when my parents yelled at me was probably when I was in grade 3 (which I can remember because one of the parents told my dad to back off) although it was mostly about the teachers and my parents branding me as a filthy liar. Don't hate her, she's trying to help you in the long-run but it's not in a way you'd like and that's life. She's probably pissed because of your low grades and figures patting you on the head nicely to encourage you to get higher grades won't work so she turns to tough love.


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