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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Mary_ Offline
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University, Last Name Chances, Life. - July 21st 2011, 06:13 AM

I have a problem and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but here's my story.

I'm going to be a freshmen in university in September. I'm going to be attending School A, but my parents/family wanted me to go to School B. What I wanted to attend was School A, School B was my second choice. School B didn't accept me, so I just went ahead with School A. (SO SORRY IF THIS IS CONFUSING).

Anyway, so with all this university business happening, my parents don't live in Canada. In fact, they're overseas, living in Asia. They've been extremely unfair and just making me feel angry and upset. My father was sent to prison when I was 4 years old, and my mom went to Asia and lived with my step dad. I visit once in a while, but I never really got to know both my mom and step dad. In grade 11, I went to Asia to study at an international school. That was a good experience, and I kinda got to know my mom. So for grade 12, I went back to Canada and my mom has been pressuring me to change my last name. My father recently got out of prison and pretty much came back into my life. My mom says that I owe it to her and my step dad to change my last name to either hers or my step dad's. I feel like.. as if they think they OWN me or something, you know what I mean? Like yes, I get it. You've taken care of me for so long, but you weren't really there. Like you were in Asia for 95% of my life. I honestly don't know what to do. And when I tell my mom that like I don't want to change it, she starts to yell, which ends up with me bawling.

I don't get it. I really don't. Like, what more can I do? I've tried to be a good daughter. I've really tried. It's like EVERYTHING I do is NEVER good enough. Not once has my step dad said he was proud of me. At least my father (while he was in prison) took the time to call me every week - to attempt to keep some sort of relationship with me.

And with everything top, my mom says if I don't change my last name, then my father (whom has NO money, whatsoever) should pay for my university fees. Like WOOOOOOOOOW. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. I do NOT want to change my last name. I want both my mother and my father in my life; but I feel like she's making me choose between the two.

I don't know what to do. My heart aches when I think about this. It's not fair to me, nor them.
   
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chook14 Offline
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Re: University, Last Name Chances, Life. - July 22nd 2011, 12:56 PM

hey there, that sounds really tough, I'm so sorry. I have a friend who went through a similar thing...her mum really wanted her to change her last name to her step fathers, but she really wanted to keep her biological fathers last name. She ended up changing it to keep her mum happy, but says she regrets it and is going to change it back when she moves out. You should definitely not do anything that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. It is your name afterall! It doesn't sound like you owe your mum or step dad anything, and they shouldn't expect them to change your name just for them. They probably haven't thought about how much of a big decision this is for you. To them it's just a name, but of course to you it means so much more. If you haven't already, you could try explaining that to your mum...tell her that it's been your name for your entire life and it would make you really uncomfortable changing it just before you transition to uni. You could tell her it's something you might consider in the future, so she knows you're not ruling it out. You should talk to your father about what's going on and get his opinion too. He might even support you changing your name for now so that you can get help with your uni fees. Also, have you considered getting a hyphenated last name? It might be a bit annoying, but would save you having to choose. Just remember that the decision is yours, and try not to let anyone pressure you into doing anything that would make you unhappy! I hope it all works out for you! Good luck at uni <3


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Re: University, Last Name Chances, Life. - July 22nd 2011, 07:42 PM

What you're going through is tough. I feel like your mom and step dad are being immature in making you decide between your dad and your mom. As far as college payment goes, there is student lones, financial aid and grants. You just have to apply for these things. But for whatever reason you can't get this and you have to rely on your mom and step dad, you have to decide what means more to you- your education or your last name. Unfortunately, your mom is making you choose, which isn't fair. I would try and talk to your mom and step dad. Explain your feeling on the situation and why having your last name is important to you. But if they're still insisting, then you're going to have to make a tough decision. Maybe you can work out some kind of deal with your mom. I don't know. I would talk to her and see what you can do. I would really consider looking into alternative ways of paying for college though.


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