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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Pour the Teapot Offline
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Unhappy My friend making bad decisions - August 7th 2011, 03:29 AM

I'm not entirely sure where this goes, feel free to move it.

So, there's a girl that's been my best friend since she was born (she's 2 years younger than me), I'll call her Mary. We spent childhood together, trying to convince random people in grocery stores that we were sisters and the usual stuff, but we grew apart a bit as we got older. She just turned thirteen in May, and I feel like a total loser compared to her insane levels of teenager-ness.

So, I'm just getting out of a PRTF (long term mental health shithole), and I can definitely see I've missed a lot. While I was there I was hearing all sorts of stories from my mom about her issues; a cyberbully from school, getting into fights, sneaking kids into her house, even getting suspended from school at the end of the year. I finally saw her again, and I literally cried because it upset me so much that she's outgrown me. Seriously, she spent our entire "reunion" craning her neck past me to see people she knew, and talking about some random girl and how she wished she would "go die in a hole". She tried to cheer me up when I started crying, but I could see what was going on. I was a nuisance to her, she was being nice to me because she felt obligated, not because she wanted to. But those aren't the things I'm making this post about.

See, that same day she mentioned "I've made out with so many guys since you've been gone", and how she "half lost" her virginity when some guy fingered her. The fingering thing was really concerning me, but I was too indecisive to do anything about it because I felt like I didn't really have a say since we're not close any more. But then, tonight I went to her mom's birthday party at a restaraunt (our moms are friends), and chatted with Mary while I was there. I had a good time, we had some ok conversations. But I could see that she had what looked like letters cut into her forearm. When I asked her about it she said, "it's not letters it's numbers" and was very defensive and wouldn't tell me anything else. A little later I got bored and asked to see her phone (I don't have one right now). I don't know what she was expecting, but eventually I located her texts. I'd seen Mary using her phone continuously throughout the evening, but I hadn't really thought about what she was saying. I found some texts that had been sent during the party to someone called "Cowboy", about me! I saw her tell him my name, and complain about me and how rude I am, before she caught me and took it away. She's really angry at me now but I'm just concerned.

I feel like she's spiraling away from me into a Hell of bad decisions! I tell her I love her, and she says the same, but I know she's hiding things from me-bad things. She has all these friends now, stupid teenager friends I haven't met, and I think (I might as well know it's pretty obvious) they are talking her into doing some serious stuff. And what hasn't happened already is bound to happen.

I don't know what to do. She won't listen to me, she's not going to take my advice. Telling my mom or hers will just cause trouble, and make her hate me more. I really don't want her to end up in one of those hells like me, or worse. She's not thinking about it like I am! I'm so worried for her, but I can't think of a way to help her. I'm not sending her to one of those hells, it's too awful, she doesn't deserve it. Oh please, what can I do?
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gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Re: My friend making bad decisions - August 7th 2011, 06:23 PM

my friends have made bad desicions too. its hard. just remember that there are other people. you do not want to be the girl who is so easily pushed into doing things you know are wrong. find people that won't take advantage of you and won't convince you to do things you're not ready for. stay strong. PM me any time.

I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

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SparklingWine Offline
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Re: My friend making bad decisions - August 8th 2011, 06:11 PM

I'm going to be upfront and honest with you. First I'd like to start by saying that friends grow apart. They just do. It happens, and most times, it's inevitable. I had this friend. We were best friends for about 11 years. She started growing up, and having sex with all these guys. She also didn't care about school too much. Where as I, being the more conservative person. Only having one boyfriend, and getting all A's and B's in school. Eventually, she mellowed out. And she is in a stable relationship, lives on her own, etc. But whether she mellowed out or not, it really isn't any of my business. At some point you have to cut ties and move on, or it will eat you alive and stress you out. That's what I did. We weren't as close. Weren't talking as much. And finally we called it quits. It does hurt, but believe me, it gets better.

I would have a serious talk with your friend. Get it all out on the table. Tell her how you're feeling. And see if there is anything you can do to fix it. But I would wait til she has cooled off. In the future, I wouldn't go through her phone. It's rude, disrespectful, etc. I know you care about her, and your intentions were good. But next time, just talk to her about your concerns. If she doesn't tell you, then drop it. It isn't your business. She is growing up, as are you. She is going to do things you don't agree with. And that's fine. But what's right for her, isn't always going to be right for you. And vice versa.

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