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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Anonymousey Offline
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Why can't my mom say goodbye? - August 10th 2011, 07:23 PM

I'm 21 and currently live at home with my mom. My father left when I was just a baby so she has had to raise me alone for 20 or so years. I also have 2 other brothers that moved out when they were probably about my age. They grew up, fell in love, and just moved out and started their own life. My mother was happy for them when they moved out, and she never had any hard feelings when they left.

Now my job is promoting me and the promotion requires a short relocation on the other side of the state. For weeks my mom has known about this promotion and about how it will require me to relocate. Ever since I brought the discussion up she's been trying to make me feel guilty by saying things like "you're going to struggle on your own, you wont be able to afford all your bills plus food, who's gonna do your laundry, who's gonna cook and clean for you, ect.

(Before I go further let me add that I don't really do much besides work a full time job. She cooks and cleans, not that I choose not to do it, but just because she chooses to anyways.)

Now today I got home and she started crying saying she doesn't want to be alone and I told her that someday I'm going to grow up, maybe meet someone and move out and I told her whether it happens now or later down the road, sooner or later she's gonna have to say goodbye and let me go. I explained to her that I cannot live with her forever. Then she started getting angry because I never asked her to come with me.

I really don't know what to do here. I love my mother very much but honestly I don't want her to come with me. I know it may sound f*cked up but I don't want to live with her for the rest of my life. I want to grow up and be more independent. What should I do?
   
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Re: Why can't my mom say goodbye? - August 10th 2011, 07:29 PM

I haven't moved out yet, but I would really love to soon and I can already see it from my mom, what your mom is doing.
I can tell you its because you are the last one to leave home and you are the baby. You are her last child and you are leaving and she will have to adjust her life to be just her. It is a pretty scary thing to go through. She knows that you have to eventually leave and be on your own and in time she will be fine with it. But she raised all three of you when your brothers moved out, she attached to you and now she has nothing to attach to.

My dad left four years ago, my brother has been out of the house forever (until recently) but my mom did everything like your mom. It has just been me and her. And well recently I have obtained a life and she does the same thing your mom does. She makes me feel guilty about staying the night at my boyfriends or going out for a day with friends. And I haven't left yet and my brother and his family moved in.

Just sit down and talk to her and let her know your feelings on all this. Eventually she will come around.


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Re: Why can't my mom say goodbye? - August 10th 2011, 07:34 PM

It sounds like you are the baby of the family. MANY times parents have trouble letting their "babies" leave the nest. It is just part of being a mother and mot wanting to see the last of your children go.

What you can do is just explain that yes you are growing up, but also offer to call/write her often and visit as much as you can.




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Re: Why can't my mom say goodbye? - August 10th 2011, 08:02 PM

I agree with what's been said. You're the "baby", so she's going to have trouble letting you go. Also, I'm not sure if the questions about bills, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. are "guilt-tripping" so much as they are her worrying about you. Those are all things my dad went on and on about when I moved into a dorm room, and again when I moved into an apartment. It's a parent's job to worry. Combine that with your mother's fear of being alone, and you've got your work cut out of you. The best approach is a loving, yet firm one. Reassure her that you'll be okay and you'll call/write/visit as often as you can, but make it clear that you're moving regardless of what she says, does, and how she feels. It's necessary and inevitable.





   
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Re: Why can't my mom say goodbye? - August 13th 2011, 05:45 AM

Well, I agree with all the above posts. You are the baby of the family and it will be hard for her. She will be left alone after you move out. And maybe, she was sad when your brothers moved out but didn't express it cuz she had you but now, she'll be left all alone. And you, being the baby of the family, she'll be more scared and concerned for you. She has always been there for you and it is true that moving out will be hard. But it has to be done no matter what. Tell her that. Assure that you'll be alright and that you'll call/write/visit frequently. Talk to her lovingly and no matter what she says, don't start a fight. Don't raise your voice or loose control, even she does. You have to keep your stand. So good luck.
   
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Re: Why can't my mom say goodbye? - August 13th 2011, 08:57 AM

She needs to find some other people or someone else to be a part of her life.



   
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