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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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BlueWolf Offline
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My Mom - September 28th 2011, 09:28 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My mom and I don't get along. We never really did. Lately, it has gotten so much worse. I have been desperately trying to move out and I cannot without a job. I've been searching for a job as hard as I can for what seems like ages. I can't stay with her anymore. My mom says it's enough dealing with her own stuff but dealing with mine too is too much for her. She was really nasty to me about my boyfriend calling the police on me because I wanted to kill myself. She is nasty to me when I am hurting and tells me that's selfish of me because I'm making it worse for her and I am an adult now, yet at other times she tells me I'm still a kid until I can support myself. I'm trying so hard to. She even told me she thinks of killing herself and I am making it worse. Sometimes she wants me to just leave and others she knows I have no where else to go. I throw temper tantrums, have serious episodes where I SH and threaten suicide to crying for hours unend. I can see why I can be so stressful. My medications that I refuse to take are expensive, my doctor visists too and time consuming. I am trying so damn hard to get a job. I went to the department of labor, temp agencies, job bullitins, randomly walking in, online applications, babysitting, tutoring, everything I could think of!

But the thing is, she acts like sometime we are room mates, and when she feels like it, she is the parent and it confuses me so much. I tried to tell her that, but she yelled at me some more. I can't get out of here and I cannot control myself. How can I when I black out or something? She doesn't like to talk about things because she takes everything offensively and then I start freaking out. There is no real communication between us. Only yelling and empty threats. She says if I don't stop I am going to stay with my dad in Florida (I would do ANYTHING to keep this from happening). I am in college and she says she doesn't care if I have to withdraw and flunk out. One more incident and I'm gone.

So what can I do?


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
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"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
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Re: My Mom - October 8th 2011, 01:48 AM

Do you think she would be open to the idea of seeing a family therapist? Otherwise, I'm not sure there's much you can do, aside from attempting to move out and giving yourself some time to become financially/mentally stable before trying to repair the relationship you have with your mom. My situation wasn't quite as serious as yours, but my mom WAS verbally abusive and neglectful, and moving out/ceasing contact for ~1 year was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.






   
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Re: My Mom - October 8th 2011, 03:20 AM

Hi Jessica,

You and mom have some boundary issues, those are the unspoken yet typically understood 'Rules' that govern interpersonal interactions and relationships. Moms's are mom's, they're supposed to take care of their kids and be selfless, etc., not 'room mates' or pals. Being friendly is one thing, surely being close, but 'Room mates' suggests a type of casual familiarity that shakes the sense of confidence people have that their mom's can be there as adults to take care of them and show good judgment with them. I understand your confusion (and anxiety) and why this might be unsettling to you.

Other than Robin's suggestion of counseling (perhaps at the uni counselling ctr.?), what you might do is use your recognition of your situation with mom, as well as your age (20), and come up with a plan to move out and start your life independently of her. You're taking all the right steps by being in college and getting an education, I'm sure you have a major, maybe some dreams? Those goals can be very soothing and reassuring, try to develop those.

A plan not only serves that reassuring function, but it also gives you something to focus on and work towards, it's very concrete. Maybe it's a couple years away, but merely having a developed plan can make a big difference in your ability to gain a different perspective on yourself (and her), and give you the strength to get thru the time until you're ready to fully execute your plan.

I think you need to emotionally separate from mom, that means gaining a more realistic sense of who she is and what you can reasonably expect from her, and rely on that instead of her.

People fight b/c they expect too much. Change the expectations, have goals, and a plan to get there, and it might be a lot easier.


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Re: My Mom - October 8th 2011, 06:21 PM

Hey there,

I'm assuming that you've already talked to your mom about how you're feeling. If you haven't, I would talk to her. Tell her that when you're hurting, that you want her support.. not for her to yell or get upset with you. She may just be worried about you, and the only way to cope with her worry is to lash out's what. That my mom did, but when I was recovering she told me constantly how proud she was of me. If you can get her to reason with you, then you're going to have to be an advocate for yourself. You're going to have to get on the ball, and keep looking for a job, and what not.. so you can be free of the emotional abuse you're going through. I know that it's really hard to live with someone who always brings you down, but you have to keep fighting through it.

I know that when things are going so rough, you feel like there is no place else to turn, other than suicide. I've been there. A few times. You have to keep looking up. I know how silly it may seem to always look up, but it helps. When you focus solely on the negative, your life will seem that much more negative. It can't hurt to look on the positive side of things. I think it'd be a really good idea for you to make a list of all the things that make you smile, all the reasons there are to live, and all the things you can look forward to. If you find yourself desperately needing to talk to someone to help get you through the night, or the day. Go ahead and try calling a hotline. It's free of charge, and they can help in dyer situations. Here's a list of hotlines: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f3-general/t22-hotlines/

Self harm is a pretty addictive way of coping. I'm guilty, as I've done it before myself. But Self Harm only makes things worse. It may seem like it helps, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. There are other alternatives to self harm, that can help you to feel better, that is less harmful to your body. Here is a List of Self Harm Alternatives I advise that you really try and use these alternatives when you're feeling urged to self harm. Just keep in mind that some alternatives will work better than others, while some may not work at all. So just remember that. Even trying all the alternatives will be a distraction.

My last suggestion is that you continue with counseling. I totally understand not being able to afford your meds. I'm the same way. They're expensive. But you don't have to be on meds for you to feel better. Your counselor can teach you way to cope with your mother. I know it's time consuming, but it's necessary if you want to feel better. You have to be willing to put in the effort. And be willing to do what it takes. Maybe try talking to your counselor about getting a referal for family counseling. Ask your mom if she would be willing to do that with you. It could really help your relationship with her to be a bit more bearable. Hopefully you can start feeling better soon. Take care.


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