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ontheBUS Offline
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Sickeningly alone - October 5th 2011, 06:04 AM

I'm 19 and I live alone with my mom. We are generally close but after my parents divorced I started having issues with both of them. My dad is now out of the picture, and I have a ton of resentment toward my mom, but I deal with it. I'm in an outpatient rehab program (emotional, not substance abuse) right now, but it isn't helping. I do what my counselors say (I am really upfront about what I need from my mom and tell her when I'm upset), but she only responds about 50% of the time. She used to be very emotionally/verbally abusive and neglectful, and since I've started rehab she has begun to behave that way again.
She is SO petty. Just to give an idea of the situation, I rented a movie a few nights ago. She wanted to watch it, so I kept it late and had to pay a late fee. She watched it without me. I made a point of telling her how much it cost me and how far out of my way I had to drive to return it-- nothing. I was also fired from my job this weekend and began attempting contact with an ex-- she was uninterested in talking about it. It's been about 3 days of almost no communication, and tonight she started grilling me about a delivery I'm getting tomorrow. I paid for it, I will be here to accept it-- but she INSISTS that I cancel because she won't be here and SHE has to be in control. She said it in a way that makes my blood boil. She then locked me out of her room, despite that fact that I was COMMANDED to return a couple of bath towels to her. I poured water on them and left them on the floor. I was so pissed, and I don't care.
I have ZERO friends and no family close by. I have NO money to move out any time soon, and I feel like I'm making myself sick by staying here. You can only try fixing a situation for so long before you have to realize it's not good for you. I would rather be alone because I live alone, as opposed to being alone because i'm ignored. I feel like absolute shit between being fired and having almost no social life and coming home to this every night. I literally make myself sick holding in the hysteria I feel when she makes me angry, but I'm just as sick over the stress of telling her how I feel and then anticipating a fight.
The ex I am trying to get back in touch with was having a lot of personal issues when we split, and now all I have to go off of is his facebook page, which makes it look like a lot has changed. I'm a ball of stress wondering if anything is going to come of my contacting him, and I'm projecting a ton of resentment onto him just for having a life when I DON'T, and I am SO in need of someone right now! (It's not a situation where I can tell him that =( )

So I don't know what to do. I'm at a place where I basically live my own life and just come home here. I don't get affection from ANYBODY, and I don't even have buddies I can chat with at school. I could go a whole day without speaking to anyone, or I could quit school leave town for a while buy a timeshare...and if i came home by 7 my mom wouldn't know =P As HYSTERICAL as I feel, I also feel like I'm an ADULT this time and I'm just TIRED of it! What can I POSSIBLY do for myself??! I have been living this hell for 6 years!!
   
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Re: Sickeningly alone - October 7th 2011, 06:17 PM

I don't know if this is of any help but I know how it feels to be lonely, too. And though it may feel as though EVERYONE has such a great social life, it isn't true. I completed high school last year. All my friends moved away to college and Uni, while I stayed home and took a year off. When im not working and its the week I literally have no social life. On weekends i'll go out with friends if things work out. My boyfriend lives three hours away so I only see him about every two weeks. In order to not feel so depressed about my situation i've been trying to find another job so that I can raise enough money in order to move out. By moving out I hope to meet some new people, gain back a bit of a social life. Could one of your goals be to find another job and try to save up to move out too?
   
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