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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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dancinfool Offline
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may have upset this guy.. - October 6th 2011, 09:10 PM

I hesitate to use the word friend :P Basically I'm on a committee at uni that requires me to spend quite a bit of time with this guy, who I'll call X. (He's president). I find him very creepy/pervy and a lot of the things he says make me cringe.. Most girls I know try to avoid being alone with him.

We were running a stall at Freshers Fair, and one girl (who neither of us know) made a joke to my friend working the stand about a 'birthday dance'. Which maybe had some sort of vague sexual innuendo but the type you'd have between close female friends so not really. His comment was 'what's that? Can I watch?' and my response (made in jest but truthfully with a lot of truth behind it..) was 'X, can you stop with all the pervy comments'. He suddenly looked really serious and was like 'I don't make pervy comments, what else have I said today?' at which I couldn't think of anything specific. He was pretty offended/angry but I didn't really want to apologise/take it back because all I was doing was telling the truth- a lot of the things he says make me very uncomfortable, and the same is true of other girls I've spoken to.

I think he thinks he's being funny and flirty, but more often than not it crosses the line into creepy. Only it seems I can't tell him this without causing massive offence and an argument. Do you think I was wrong to say something? He also calls me 'my dear' all the time which realllly annoys me as I am most definitely not his dear :P but thats a minor issue compared to most of the stuff he says.
   
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Re: may have upset this guy.. - October 8th 2011, 01:44 AM

Actually, I think he's VERY aware of the "perviness" of his comments... otherwise, why would he have become so defensive? You called him out on it, and he tried to turn it around by making you look like the "bad guy".

If I were in your position, I'd talk to him one-on-one about all the comments he's making. Prepare a list ahead of time, so you can have the upper hand. If that doesn't work (chances are he WILL become defensive once again), I would either 1) minimize your contact with him, or 2) ask a few of the other girls to join you in confronting him (without being TOO hostile, of course).






   
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Re: may have upset this guy.. - October 8th 2011, 02:35 AM

When you're trying to play someone/group of people, the last thing you want is for someone to call you out and stop you on the spot. That's what you did, however, if everyone was in agreement, then it's good you spoke up and even better you didn't back down by apologizing.

I notice you said he's president of a committee at university, so it's possible his behaviours reflect that prestigeous title of "president". Chances are he already behaved in that way beforehand but the new title may serve as justification for him to continue.


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Re: may have upset this guy.. - October 8th 2011, 02:46 AM

That is a rough one, there are those guys who cannot seem to get the message, e.g. staring at the lush help, etc. I do remember one flirty comment which I thought was pretty funny. I was working for an engineering company when one of the girls on the line asked if one of the guys could give her a ride home. She was cuter than a bugs ear so there was not a lot of hesitation is the offers. I remember one guy said he likes to take pregnant women home, she immediately said she was not pregnant, and he simply said she was not home yet. Ok, maybe this is not fit for teen something
   
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Re: may have upset this guy.. - October 8th 2011, 05:53 PM

While I definitely agree with Robin, I can't help but to feel that another reason as to why he got so defensive could be because he actually doesn't think his comments are offensive, and that's just how he normally acts. By you accusing him of being pervy, he might of felt offended. Though, I don't know that for sure.

I think you were definitely in the right by saying what you said. But at this point, I'd let him cool off a bit then talk to him one on one. Maybe apologize to him for making him angry, but then explain why you said what you said to him. Give examples of what annoys you, and makes him seem perverted.


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Re: may have upset this guy.. - October 8th 2011, 07:34 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amoroso View Post
While I definitely agree with Robin, I can't help but to feel that another reason as to why he got so defensive could be because he actually doesn't think his comments are offensive, and that's just how he normally acts. By you accusing him of being pervy, he might of felt offended. Though, I don't know that for sure.

I think you were definitely in the right by saying what you said. But at this point, I'd let him cool off a bit then talk to him one on one. Maybe apologize to him for making him angry, but then explain why you said what you said to him. Give examples of what annoys you, and makes him seem perverted.
^This. Nice.

Most people don't intentionally say or do creepy/pervvy things. Rather, it's unintentional, people have different amounts of self awareness which limits their ability to self reflect on themselves and their behavior. Without that, they just let it fly.

The problem is what to do when others (you, in this case) are the exposed to that sort of thing. Most people are pretty tolerant and although annoyed, hold on to it, they don't share their discomfort.. That's fine if contact is limited, but if the contact is more regular it can be stressful.

What's best: Tell them directly, don't mince words: " 'X', I don't appreciate being called 'my dear' ", etc. A lot of people have difficulty being direct b/c they (wrongly) associate that with 'hostility' or 'rudeness'. Yet, the alternative (making a joke out of it by calling him creepy, etc., and hoping he gets the message) is actually much more hostile. And, it creates another problem, which you now have.

I'd recommend you revisit this with him, maybe acknowledge the nasty quality of calling him a name, and be more direct with him about your concerns. And make a specific request (most people forget that part!) for him to not say it/stop/etc.


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Re: may have upset this guy.. - October 9th 2011, 12:06 PM

I didn't technically call him pervy, I said he made pervy comments :P but yeah that probably wasn't the best way to go about it. I'll talk to him again if he says anything else (likely) but the problem with talking to him one-on-one is that I have to be alone with him, which in general I can't stand :P Thanks for all the advice
   
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