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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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I've Gotta Say Something - October 16th 2011, 08:29 AM

Should I stop filtering myself? I'm usually try to be calm, but sometimes I feel huge waves of frustration come over me and I want kill someone.

Even though nothing about me has changed lately, all my friends decided to ditch me this year, and even best friend for 9 years dumped me for a d-bag. I'm thinking I should tell people what I think instead of being a pushover. It seems like I don't have much to lose.

Right?
   
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Re: I've Gotta Say Something - October 16th 2011, 12:09 PM

not that I have a lot to say, but I think you should talk to them and ask why they left you. They seem to have no real reason to leave you this way.
Try not to sound/look angry when you talk to them, because I'm afraid it would only deeper the problem instead of solving it.
Good luck!


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the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
   
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Re: I've Gotta Say Something - October 16th 2011, 05:04 PM

Welcome to TeenHelp! =)

Should you stop "filtering" yourself? Yes and no. It's important to acknowledge how you're feeling (frustration/anger), but there are appropriate and inappropriate times to demonstrate how you're feeling. Let go of that anger in healthier ways (vs. bottling it all up and "exploding" at people), or find something aggressive to do that won't negatively affect you or your friends (ex. exercising, punching/yelling into a pillow). That being said, there are ways to tell a former friend you're upset without transferring all of those feelings onto that former friend, thus making the "conversation" a "confrontation" and ultimately resulting in the situation becoming worse. What helps me is to imagine the situation before I talk to the person who upset me. I visualize the two of us looking at each other, I imagine what they might say in response to some of the things I plan to say, I ask myself how I'm going to calmly proceed if they don't seem to be remorseful, etc.






   
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Re: I've Gotta Say Something - October 16th 2011, 07:00 PM

For your first question of whether you should stop filtering yourself, the answer depends on the situation and the desired outcome. If you want to confront your friends and damn near beat the answers out of them, then don't filter anything you say. On the other hand, if you want to chat with your friends in a stern way, only filter out rude statements and insults. If you want to be mushy with your friends and be a flake, then filter out pretty much everything. It also depends on the situation and setting because it's more reasonable to be aggressive toward someone in private versus in a big public area. For the latter, most people will have no knowledge of your friends and you, so they may walk pass or gather around, perhaps even interject themselves if they feel necessary.

You also have to remember that your friends know how you previously behaved, that is, a pushover. If you suddenly confront them, it'll catch them off guard because that's unexpected and unusual behaviour for you. They will be trying to figure out why you are acting so differently and may be reluctant to have a long discussion with you, especially if you become increasingly aggressive and filter nothing. It may cause future problems as well because after they state their reasons and supposing you calm down, your friends would still be weary of you. Perhaps they'll understand your frustration and console you but don't expect that to be a guaruntee.

When I'm angry, I find it best to use my punching bag so I can hit as hard as I want since you cant do that with a pillow. Yelling at a pillow always seemed pointless to me and if anything just makes me angrier because I have a stronger wanting to hit something. Depending on which day of the week it is, I'll go to my dojo and do full-contact sparring with a high-belt ranking (at least a brown belt ranking), ideally with certain people I know can handle the contact. You could use a pillow if you want, just be careful not to hit as hard as you can since you could hurt yourself.


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Re: I've Gotta Say Something - October 16th 2011, 09:59 PM

I figured someone was going to say, "Just talk with them about it."

That won't work, because I'll probably be brushed off with some fake reassurance that we're still friends.

Well, really, we are still friends, I'm at the bottom of the food chain within our clique though.
They make me feel expendable and it's annoying when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone and they're completely ignoring me.

My aim isn't to turn my life into Jersey Shore, but I'd just rather be more genuine with how they make me feel. Like, when they're being obnoxious I want to turn and say, "Shut up!"

I don't know if that would change me into the-boring-guy-who's-also-rude or if I'd earn some respect around here.
   
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Re: I've Gotta Say Something - October 17th 2011, 01:51 AM

Yelling, "Shut up!" isn't going to earn you any respect with these people, because they don't know the meaning of respect to begin with. My advice is more general because I feel like there isn't much you can do regarding these "friends" in particular. You can either approach them and express how you're feeling (without "exploding"), or you can move on.






   
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Re: I've Gotta Say Something - October 19th 2011, 12:37 AM

Alright, thanks. I'll try to approach them.
   
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