Problems.

[Eldora]

Not really concerning just one friendship, but rather, many.

I wanna see a psychiatrist about this, but... It may be a while.

When it comes to making friends, I'm really shy. I don't like to push my presence on anyone around me. I have great friends, but... I'm also really shy when it comes to doing anything that I really want to do. For instance, I want to do steel band with one of my best friends, Savanna.

I'm extremely... It's not really shy. I'm just overly afraid that people will laugh at me. I've been laughed at by whole groups of people before. One crowd, even. I'm terrified of not being taken seriously by people. This steel band thing... It's like those big Jamaican drums. My friend Savanna says they're really fun. I think they'd be, too... It's just I'm terrified because I know nothing about music theory.

At all. I can't read sheet music. I'm afraid that because of that, people might look at me and think that I'm incapable of learning, or laugh at me because I'm trying. I'm a quick learner, but... I explained this to my best friend Kattie today, and she told me it was up to me, but encouraged me to go at least once. And I didn't, even though I told my friend Savanna that I was coming this evening. And I know it's really shitty of me to be so afraid of doing something that I know I'd love.

And several other things before have come up like this before in my life. I'm generally good at fitting in with groups of people, and making friends rather quickly... Most people like me really well after I talk to them for a while. But I just hate being the new person who knows completely nothing about something, because I'm usually the person that knows everything about everything. And I don't wanna look stupid.

I won't be surprised if Savanna is mad at me tomorrow. Hell, I'm mad at myself. Kattie will probably ask why I didn't go. Savannah (as in the other friend Savannah) will say that she knew I wouldn't; she's my best friend, too, and she's known me the longest of everyone, so she could already tell I wouldn't go by the way I was acting. My mom even knew I wasn't gonna do it.

All my life, I've either been too afraid to do things in the first place, or started things and stopped them. I can't even carry out a proper diet because the first time I start feeling embarrassed at people possibly laughing at me for asking the amount of calories that are in a certain food, I quit it. In relationships, I start them... Then I just get scared and give up on them. Friends, I get scared of doing a certain thing that they want me to -- for instance, meeting them in the hallway for lunch -- and I pretty much abandon them.

And I can't seem to get over it.

[PSY]

I used to avoid new people and experiences because I worried about how stupid I'd look and/or how badly I'd fail. After several years of being incredibly lonely and unhappy, I finally decided to stop saying, "I'll try harder tomorrow." I just sucked it up and DID it, even though I was terrified. And you know what? I felt stupid doing it and I completely fell flat on my face... but I was proud that I tried it anyway. I challenged myself and broke the cycle. It gave me the courage to keep trying, until I found something that I really enjoyed and excelled at. Each challenge you face will empower you - but you have to be willing to take that first step, and then the second step, and the third step. It truly is "mind over matter", and unfortunately, it's entirely up to you on how far you want to go with this. If you tell yourself you can't change who you are, then you probably won't change who you are. If you challenge your way of thinking and take a chance, then you CAN change who you are.