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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Lorelei Offline
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I shut everyone out. - January 10th 2009, 03:43 PM

I'm so tired of this pattern I've gotten myself into.

Step 1: I meet someone who could potentially be a good friend. We get along, talk about stuff we have in common, maybe exchange phone numbers.

Step 2: I might get up the courage to call or text this person once or twice. They might call me to make plans, but I avoid them. I screen my calls, delete their messages, and try to ignore them in general.

Step 3: This person stops calling, stops texting, and stops trying to reach me. They probably walk away with the impression that I don't like them, or that I think I'm too good for them.

I do this with lifelong friends and family too, I just ignore them until they leave me alone. I'm scared of being close to anyone. I'm scared of having friends. I'm scared of letting people get to know me. The only people I don't completely ignore are family, and that's because I have to be around them on weekends and holidays. I feel horrible about the way I treat others, but I don't know what to do.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

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Re: I shut everyone out. - January 10th 2009, 03:50 PM

Step 1: Get to know them before you let them get to know you.

Step 2: If you feel they're worthy of your friendship, you commit to it.

Step 3: If you didn't make a bad choice in friends, you can start chatting about your troubles.

That's how I go about doing it, but I will still only share my troubles to a certain extent - as long as I know it's something the friend can relate to. I'm in pretty much the same boat, but I do have a lot of friends. I know all about my family's troubles and the majority of my friend's troubles, but none of them know mine. I get to know them, instead of letting them know me, I'm just more comfortable that way. :]

Edit:

Oh, and getting to know them before you let them know you allows you to find out their positives and negatives. Like, if I should give an example of one of my friends. S - He'd be naive, arrogant, selfish, trustworthy. Basically, I don't care if he's selfish or arrogant or naive, he's trustworthy, so I can share my troubles with him and know he won't ever tell a soul. :]
   
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Re: I shut everyone out. - January 10th 2009, 05:04 PM

I have a friend thats like you..
He's completely shut me out recently and barely talks to me at school anymore.

Do you want these people to keep talking to you or just leave you alone?
   
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Re: I shut everyone out. - January 10th 2009, 07:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cobalt View Post
I have a friend thats like you..
He's completely shut me out recently and barely talks to me at school anymore.

Do you want these people to keep talking to you or just leave you alone?
I don't know...that's what's so weird. I want to talk to my friends about what I've been dealing with for the past four years, but I'm scared they won't understand. So instead I just shut them out.

Maybe if one of my friends asked me directly what was going on, I would tell them. But as it is I don't think they really want to know. Or maybe they do, but they're scared just like I am.

It's my problem, so I should be the one to come forward first. But I'm just not that strong, I guess.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine
   
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Re: I shut everyone out. - January 10th 2009, 08:33 PM

I think what I would do, is keep things to myself for awhile. Till I know the person can be trusted. After getting to know someone well, they should be able to tell when your not having the best day of your life. You might have to listen to them moan and groan sometimes before you can tell them how YOU feel, but if that helps to get to know them and be strong friends, then it's worth it...and makes your friend trust you. If you show your friend you care about them, then they're bound to care about you. It just makes sense that way. So maybe focus on your friends feelings for awhile before you start to focus on yours during the friendship. And as for not texting/calling people when they want to talk to you, don't feel like you can't just talk about simple things for awhile. Friendship isn't just talking about personal problems, it's about being able to laugh and have a great time together. Work out the friendship by focusing on that part first. I think that might help a lot. xx





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Re: I shut everyone out. - January 10th 2009, 09:37 PM

Thanks so much for your replies.

I don't usually talk about really personal stuff with new friends, that isn't really the issue. I'm just really antisocial with people I don't know very well.

My old friends are another issue entirely. I've been best friends with this girl since 4th grade, but now I can't tell her anything. She's a great friend, but she's been sheltered her entire life and doesn't understand a lot of things. So naturally I'm afraid to tell her.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine
   
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Re: I shut everyone out. - January 10th 2009, 09:50 PM

Keep in mind though, her not understanding things from being sheltered doesn't means he won't be able to understand at all. It may be difficult for her but talking to someone who will have a new perspective may be a good thing.

If talking to her ends up hurting more than helping, then obviously you don't have to continue with it. But it may be something worth trying.
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