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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Bad karma? - January 28th 2012, 09:18 AM

I am losing everything that is important to me-friends, family and love. Maybe I am changed or maybe my friends are changed. We are not close any more, but I can't make any new friends. My parents are getting a divorce. I am so tired of the fights and just want to run away. If I could just disappear, it would be better. I don't understand why my life has been bad like that, but I can't do much about it. People talk about karma. Maybe I deserve all of this because I did a lot of bad things in my previous life. I don't know how much more pain I could take. I feel like I am reaching my limit.


It is not length of life, but depth of life.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson
   
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Re: Bad karma? - January 28th 2012, 10:40 AM

God, if someone could give you an answer I'd love to read it. I'd like to say "I've been there" and it's party true. My parents divorced when I was 10, my father was a drunk and it wasn't something that easy to deal with. And friends and family, boy, they were always there but somewhat missing and I couldn't really open up to them. And here I am now, 22 years old, sitting at home with my mother and brother in the next room and feel "Can I just talk to someone?" And karma - I've been thinking about it, but really - how can we know what we did back when and how to change it now?

Making new friend is not that easy, especially when you are not feeling up to it.
To disappear... I don't know for you, but for me it has never been an option.
Reaching your limit. Ok, think about it this way - bad karma, mistakes from another life - so this is a chance to change that, isn't it? Our life now should be a chance to make up for the bad in the past. Or at least I want to think so. I would like to believe we can be different this time, that it can be different. You are reaching your limit, but you are not there yet and maybe you'll be surprised how much more you can take and after that - how much better life could be.

It sounds silly, I know, I'm in a hole myself and I also think I can take no more, but I'm not ready to give up, I still have dreams. Do you?
   
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Re: Bad karma? - January 29th 2012, 10:48 PM

Hey there! My dad has gone through two divorces, and it's not easy to be stuck in the middle of all that conflict. I feel for you. It WILL become easier to handle - but it's going to take some time. You'll have to figure out where you stand with both parents and how you're going to deal with the post-divorce issues (ex. listening to their complaining vs. asking them to change the subject, spending holidays with both parents vs. just seeing one parent, one parent dating/marrying someone else). It's not worth running away, though. Running away doesn't actually solve your problem - it just puts your relationships with your parents on hold, neglecting them and leading to an even greater distancing from them. If you need to, talk to someone you trust - a neighbor, a teacher, a school counselor, etc. - preferably someone who isn't directly involved in the family's conflict.

As for your friends - well, everyone changes a fair amount over the course of their adolescence. You've probably changed a bit, and they've probably changed a bit, and unfortunately, you're having a difficult time figuring out how to maintain the friendships under those circumstances. Sometimes, it's simply not possible to remain friends with someone when so much has changed. The important thing is to not let that discourage you. When I was going through middle school, I couldn't understand why I was suddenly having a hard time relating to my friends. I always felt like the "third wheel," and it left me feeling very bitter and confused. I didn't feel connected to my friends anymore, but I was too scared to try and make new friends. Finally, I took matters into my own hands. I figured out what my weaknesses were (being too scared to make the first move/introduce myself to someone new, backing out of get-togethers at the last minute for fear of embarrassment when hanging out with someone new), told myself that "looking stupid" wasn't the worst-case scenario (being friendless was!), and I took a chance. Actually, several chances. They didn't all pay off, but some did, and slowly but surely, I started to make friends, and become friends with my friends' friends.

That's really the message I want you to come away with, both regarding your situation at home and your difficulties with friendships. You said you can't do anything about your life being bad. Well, you can! Yes, there are some things that are beyond our control... parents divorce and friendships change... but that doesn't mean we have to give up and let our life become crap. We can reach out to people, we can work on ourselves and make changes for the better, etc. It's not going to happen overnight, but it CAN happen, and it WILL happen if you stick with it. Believing in "bad karma," in my opinion, is just another way of saying, "there's no point, I'm screwed no matter what"... but you're not!






   
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