TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
chocolatedusk Offline
Cassidy, the Tomato Catcher
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
chocolatedusk's Avatar
 
Name: Cassidy
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: Florida

Posts: 6
Join Date: February 27th 2012

Unhappy What to do...? - February 29th 2012, 07:28 PM

So I have this friend. Or I thought I did. Let's call her X. I always knew X as an incredibly kind person, even to people she didn't particularly like, for at least the last three full years. She was offering help to my friend Y, who is/was best friends with her, when Y told X that X can't help Y with Y's problems. (Keep in mind, this is hearsay.) For that reason X got mopey and later broke things off with not just Y but X's and Y's mutual friends- including myself, yet to a lesser extent than most of the others (though I'm not sure why.) She said some pretty nasty things about some of my friends, according to Y, and has said and done things I never thought in a million years she would do, again according to Y. My friend D has tried a couple times to talk to her. The first time she didn't listen at all, and all the things she said didn't make sense. According to D, she said she "is starting the goodbye process early, being a Senior," (which doesn't make sense considering she wants to go to a close college and she had plans to move into D's back apartment with Y and another friend) and that she "has things she's been dealing with for a few years." Why bring it up now if that's the case. not that we don't want her to talk, but while she's acting on whatever's going on right now, she isn't talking to us, and we're left quite in the dark as to her motives and franklly we're batshit confused as fuck. And a lot of my friends are a little offended, including D who's helped her a lot in the past. Y has completely given up on X and considers her a traitor, evil. That upsets me because I really feel like X must have a reason. How could she completely fake everything we knew her as for years and then shed the act and become a bitch. She's lied to a teacher who became aware of our situation (according to D) and said that there was no problem, nothing like that going on. D told her that we'll all stop talking to her since that's what she wants but i feel like I'm uninvolved in the situation enough to humbly approach her and explain that I'm upset and confused and at least garner some glimpse into her mind or maybe make her think about it. Should I talk to her?

D has more to say:

Well today I tried confronting her for a second time on the way to class and when I asked what was wrong and why she was acting so mean to everyone, she exploded on me screaming that she "..trying to avoid catastrophe" and to "leave her out of it". I replied saying (not screaming) that I didn't understand anything she was saying. Leave her out of what exactly? I wasn't trying to assimilate her into some weird faction. Afterwards she went to the guidance counselor to explain that she felt awful for exploding at me and wanted to convey a message to me. However, when I was called to the guidance counselor, X was not in the room. The counselor continued to say that X said that she didn't want to be friends with her "old" circle and that she just wanted to be left alone. I mentioned that I could understand this and comply if she had said something at first instead of suddenly avoiding everyone. I tried to say that I wanted to understand exactly what's going on and that I just want to help. THe counselor said that that's normal and to just let her go. She said don't say anything to X and whenever I pass her in the halls is to say "hi". I think X might've forgotten to explain to the counselor everything she has been doing including dramatically changing her daily routine to avoid seeing anyone around school along with other things. It was also implied (NOT SAID) that if I continued to ask X about her problems that I could very well get arrested for harassment which is ridiculous. So all I can do right now is basically forget everything and let a former friend walk away and possibly hurt herself deeply. Still a bit distraught, I wrote a short letter, to be delivered to her tommorow, stating that no one will try to confront her anymore so she can go back to her normal routine instead of literally running between classes. I also mentioned that everyone is still severely confused and a I'm a bit offended, but that we couldn't do anything else except say goodbye. I'm hoping for an apology at the least, but I doubt that's going to occur any time soon.

Last edited by Chris; February 29th 2012 at 08:08 PM. Reason: Added: Non-PG13 (Strong Language): title.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
Hugh Jackman ♥

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
PSY's Avatar
 
Name: Robin
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Southern California

Posts: 10,011
Blog Entries: 34
Join Date: June 12th 2009

Re: What to do...? - March 1st 2012, 07:58 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp! =)

I have been in your position, as well as X's position before. When I was in your position, I also remember feeling confused and somewhat hurt, because instead of being given a chance to remedy the situation, I was being left in the dark and didn't feel I had any control over what was happening. When I was in X's position, I remember feeling a lot of negative emotions, which I couldn't or didn't properly convey to my friends. I exploded, angered/upset them, and was embarrassed/upset in return. This caused me to avoid them, because I didn't want to be confronted or reminded of the embarrassing way I had handled the problem. I also felt like there was no point, that everyone hated me and thought I was being "dramatic."

I don't know what's going on in X's life, but it's clear that something has caused me to "lose it." She didn't handle her problem very well, and I'm sure she realizes that now. Rather than talking about it, though, she's running away, because she can't face her mistake. She's probably still feeling some anger/resentment, but she's also feeling shame. By being confronted, even in a loving manner, you may be perpetuating that feeling of shame.

Personally, I don't think it's right for D to speak on everyone's behalf. That makes it seem like everyone is going to give up on her. While I do agree you may ultimately need to leave X alone, that doesn't mean you can't each approach and offer to listen. No critique on how she handled the situation, no analysis on her relationship with Y... just listening. If she's not ready to talk, then let her know she can always come to you when she's ready, and that you hope she'll find peace soon, regardless of whether or not she decides to open up to you. Some people don't want to be pursued, and nothing you say or do will have an impact on them. Other people WANT to be pursued, and after you've tried to get through to them for a few days/weeks, they'll finally feel safe enough to talk to you and risk experiencing greater feelings of shame while talking to you.

Chances are X isn't going to apologize, because 1) it's too embarrassing, and 2) she doesn't have to apologize for her feelings... only the way she handled the situation. Some people can't make that distinction, and they'll say, "But I only acted that way because of how I felt, so I have nothing to apologize for!" Again, this isn't about confronting her, critiquing her, or getting an apology. It's about showing her you don't understand and you're willing to listen. If she takes you up on the offer, now or in the future, awesome! If she doesn't, then maybe she'll at least have something to think about, and she'll handle future situations more appropriately. You can also have peace of mind, knowing you did everything you could on your end to remedy the situation.

I wish you, X, Y, D, and everyone else involved all the best! Feel free to keep us up to date on the situation! =)






   
1 user(s) liked this post or found it helpful.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
chocolatedusk Offline
Cassidy, the Tomato Catcher
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
chocolatedusk's Avatar
 
Name: Cassidy
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: Florida

Posts: 6
Join Date: February 27th 2012

Re: What to do...? - March 3rd 2012, 08:29 PM

Thank you so much, this truly was helpful. I have another question. It's impossible to catch her since she's altered her schedule so drastically. How do you think it would go over with her if I asked my guidance councelor (with whom I recently made an appointment) to read her a letter? And should I leave the letter anonymous?
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
Hugh Jackman ♥

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
PSY's Avatar
 
Name: Robin
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Southern California

Posts: 10,011
Blog Entries: 34
Join Date: June 12th 2009

Re: What to do...? - March 6th 2012, 03:34 AM

I don't know if the school counselor would be willing to read the letter on your behalf... but if they are, great. If not, then perhaps they would still be willing to deliver the letter for you. If the school counselor doesn't want to get involved at all, then perhaps you could go to one of X's teachers, explain that you haven't seen her lately, and you'd like to have a letter delivered.

I wouldn't sign it as "Anonymous." That would leave X with more questions, and no way to answer them, because she wouldn't know who to talk to! So if you're going to tell her something, make sure she knows it's coming from you.






   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
changing, confusion, distancing, lying, secrets, senior

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.