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Am I the only one who feels like they mess everything up? - April 4th 2012, 04:41 AM

I'm just curious.

Because I honestly thought I'd improved so much. And now, I wonder if I have at all.

I've been crying for like the past hour or so, and it just hit me out of nowhere. I feel like I mess everything up. It's why I'm not good enough for my parents. It's why I'm not good enough for all my "friends". It's why I'm not good enough for myself.

I don't have many people in my life I trust enough to go to anymore, for anything. People always walk out on me. Or turn their backs on my when I need them most. Most my "friends" only treat me halfway decent when they need someone for something. It never fails. I have a lot of...trust issues as result. I'm scared to death of putting too much trust in anyone, because I ALWAYS get hurt. I'm scared to be too dependent on a guy, because it's inevitably that which led to my best friend's suicide.

Almost 6 months ago though, I met a guy who changed my life entirely. He's helped me more than anyone else has since losing my best friend. He's the only one I trust anymore. And I'm scared of it, but I know just how dependent on him I've gotten.

And it's like. I know I've improved so much since I met him. But then I have times like now. Where I feel so alone, despite the fact I have him and a few other people. I still feel like there's no point in me being here. Like all I'm ever going to be good for is fucking up other peoples lives. And with how everyone seems to treat me. I don't understand why it is that way, but it makes me feel like if so many people treat me the SAME way, how can it not be because of me? Obviously it's soemthing wrong with me, thats the only thing that makes sense for their behavior.

It scares me so much. I'm just sick of feeling like this and I don't know what the hell to do to change or anything


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.

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Re: Am I the only one who feels like they mess everything up? - April 4th 2012, 05:20 AM

The older I get, the more apparent it is to me that people are ruled by patterns. Sometimes, it starts off small - you have a friend in elementary school who takes advantage of your good nature, and you slowly become less and less trusting over the years. Because you are less trusting, your friendships are less meaningful, and the only people who end up sticking around are the ones who really want to use you, or really want to help you.

It can be hard to break out of that pattern of thinking and behaving. You may not even realize how far back all of this goes (like I said, it could be something that started over a decade ago!)... but the keyword is change. Things have happened to you, and you have done things to other people as well, but there's always room to change for the better, regardless of your circumstances.

Trust issues can be worked through over time. Dependency can be worked through over time. Low self-esteem can be worked through over time. It can ALL change, but it's going to be a slow and difficult process. You'll need to be willing to stick with it, and possibly get additional help as well (ex. talking to a psychological professional who can help you recognize where things go "wrong" and how you can turn things around). Don't give up - hold on to that hope that things can change. =)






   
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