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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Alana M. F.
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Unhappy Friendship unexpected failure - April 19th 2012, 11:21 AM

Hi. I'm Alana and I'm 11 turning 12 this year. I'm not sure if this belongs in this forum, but it has to do with my friend.

Last year I was best friends with a boy named Zac, but he went to highschool this year (in Australia you go to highschool at age 13 incase you didn't know) and since then I've talked to him alot less and heard things. I get the feeling that he doesn't like me like he used to (in a friend way of course). I don't want to lose my friendship with him because he's the first person who I've felt like they really look out for me (stands up against bullies, shares my happiness, feels my pain, etc.). I put all my trust into him, but then he found out my biggest secret and promised he wouldn't tell. But then Lauren came onto Bubbo (the website we play) the next night and told me he told her. Apperantly, he had told Lauren, Ashley and Harrison. Harrison is his best friend. At first I felt like I was Zac's other best friend, but now I don't know. Lauren is Zac's ex, she WAS funny but one day became really mean. I know why I think, I think she was jelous of me because Zac cared for me so much. Ashley is Lauren's best friend. So anyway, Zac told them and APPARENTLY Harrison told some people who told some people etc. That made me upset.


I think of my friendships as a chain linking me to another person. If our friendship is strong then the chain is strong and great, if we are slowly drifting away I picture the chain rusting, if we get into a big fight but come back stronger than ever I picture the chain snapping but being replaced, you get it.


Anyways, since then the 'chain' has becoming more and more rusted... I think it's about to snap. Lauren and Ashley have been saying how Zac has been saying all this stuff about me like how I don't matter to him. I refuse to believe it, I've told Zac and he said he never said it. But I don't know who to trust! Don't say I should trust Zac because I don't think I can again. He's said some things that made me unsure, such as he doesn't care - he always used to care about pretty much everything that happened to me. I'm not sure if he really doesn't care anymore or if I'm getting the wrong messages because we only ever talk through the internet anymore, and at that only once or twice every few weeks if I'm lucky.

Thinking about this, and how close we used to be, makes me cry - it's been a struggle to not cry just typing this.I thought we'd be best friends for our lives, but now I don't know. And if not, what will I do? Come to think of it I was never really happy with my life until I met him - he was my backup against the bullies, my voice when I was too shy to speak. He was like the brother I always wanted but never got. Now I feel like he's just another person who I should avoid.

I only really talk about this to Alyssa, my best friend. She understands how I feel, although she's never really felt it. Her life is more happy and organized than mine - my life is kinda a mess. Whenever I talk about things like this I feel like a dramaqueen - Help! I miss Zac!
   
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Re: Friendship unexpected failure - April 26th 2012, 06:40 PM

Hey there, Alana! Sorry it took so long for someone to reply to your message.

Unfortunately, friendships change with time - sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Distance can put a lot of strain on a friendship, because you can't rely on the face-to-face and physical interactions. You've been limited to using a computer, and while that's better than nothing, a lot can be lost in translation. Maybe that's happening with you and Zac (and talking about it in person could help clear things up), or maybe he really is just moving on and finding other people to befriend.

The bad news is that you may need to lower your expectations for Zac - realize that he's a friend, but he's not going to be that close friend you want (you don't have to AVOID him, but understand that you're just not going to be as close anymore). The good news is that you don't have to put all your hope and faith in Zac - there WILL be other friends in the future. You're young, only 11 years old... you will meet TONS of people in high school, and while there will be some jerks, there will also be some truly amazing people. Find them and befriend them. You already have one good friend (Alyssa), so I'm sure you'll find other people in due time. =)

As a side note, I've found that it's not helpful to compare your life to the lives of friends, classmates, etc. In fact, I think it can make you feel WORSE, because it gives you the idea that you need to be doing the same things they're doing in order to be "good." So what if Alyssa's life is "happy and organized"? I can almost guarantee that Alyssa has experienced some unpleasantness as well - she's just not showing it. Your life may seem like a "mess" now, but there's no reason why you can't turn things around. I don't know how exactly your life is a "mess," but at 11 years old, it's NOT something that has to be set in stone. You CAN change, and if you'd like to discuss that in more detail via private messaging, I would love to help out in any way I can!


   
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