My Mom... and her Boyfriend... s

[J.Lynn]

I'm really excited about my future... growing up, getting a career, having a family, etc. But sometimes it's overwhelming, I mean I'm starting highschool next year and even now adults are constantly pressing everyone to choose their future careers. I'm a really good student and get good grades and some of my possibly future career choices are a little out there but oh well (president, psycologist, anesthegiologist, teacher, author, personal fitness trainer, or journalist). I'm excited to see which one I'll end up choosing and imagining myself a year from now is crazy let alone 5 or 10 years down the road. I think growing up is also a little hard... I've always been mature and I'm fine with that but when my dad committed suicide when I was 4 I had to grow up and I honestly can't remember a time of innocence or where I was just carefree how children should be. As each day goes on it feels like my chances of childhood are gone... and even though I'm already pretty much past my childhood I guess I just help thinking that somehow I would get it all back or something would make it all worh it. After my dad died everything just got harder and we moved in with my grandparents for a year at that time which meant leaving the life I had (I was only four but when you gro wup somewhere, you grow up with lifelong friends) and I never had those best friends since preschool/daycare, those really close family friends, those kind neighbors, siblings (I have a brother but he's my half brother and mainly lives with his mom, I didn't do sports or dance or lessons (my mom was too overly protective when I was younger)... I feel like I missed out on things. Sometimes I just wish I could get it back... my childhood. I don't know how I could've fixed it or what I would change, but it's just hard sometimes. I think about those things such as family camping trips and having siblings to play with and realize I'm not going to have any of that and I've always hoped that one day that would change but I don't think it will.

I love my mom more than anything. She's currently dating this one really great guy but she is also talking to another guy (they know about eachother but she hasn't met the "another guy" but they've been talking since as long as her and her boyfriend). My mom's boyfriend is really nice, he's got a good career (okay, to be honest he's just plain rich but that's not the only reason I like him... financial stability and finally gettin ghte family vacations I missed out on would be great but still), he's got two daughters, a nice house in a nice neighborhood (it's a state away but I wouldn't mind moving at all), and it just sounds so perfect. But my mom thinks if she meets this other guy (who by the way is an alcoholic... he stopped but is back in rehab) they will be completely in love. I don't know, if I was her age I'd rather have stability and she loves her boyfriend... maybe not I-want-to-makeout-everytimme-I-see-him love but she does love him, but I guess she's not the same way. Anyways, I feel completely selfish but I want her to pick her boyfriend no matter what because I've had a lot of people leave me (my dad committed suicide, my uncle who lived minutes away so I saw him everyday from the time I was 9 and he had become a father to me moved to where my mom's boyfriend lives last year, my Godparents are who knows where...) and I don't want him to be ripped away from him because he feels like my dad... they've been dating since like October but still, when he's visiting or we are visiting it just feels so right... it's finally the family I've always dreamed of and it's going to hurt if it's taken from me. And maybe the other guy is a really great guy but right now he is a recovering alcoholic and I don't think that's a ood or stable environment for either of us. Am I selfish for wanting my mom to choose her boyfriend?

[PSY]

Hello, J.Lynn! Welcome to TeenHelp. =)

I'll get to your question in a bit - but first, I think it's important to recognize a few things. One is that many people (myself included) feel like they "lost" their childhood, to a partial or full extent. It's perfectly normal to long for those carefree days, where we imagine ourselves having a small circle of "best friends forever," with the family vacations and traditions and fond memories. Unfortunately, based on everything I've seen and experienced, both in my life and friends' lives, you can't get that back - not in the literal sense, anyway.

When I was 16, my dad re-married. My stepmom belonged to a very wealthy and large family, so I thought, "I'm finally going to get everything I always wanted - a loving (step)mom, a large family with uncles/aunts/cousins, and fun activities with them every month!" Turns out that wasn't the case at all, for a number of reasons... but I remember how desperately I wanted that to become a reality, and how disappointed I was when it didn't happen. Rather than looking forward (preparing to graduate from high school and move away for college), I was looking back and dwelling on all the loss and regret related to my childhood experience.

That's not the right approach to take. I think you can be happy as an adult - you don't need to revert back to a child-like state. You can have a satisfying relationship with your mom's boyfriend as an adult. Also, keep in mind that you CAN relive your childhood - through your future children, should you ever have any. You may not be the child who gets to go to Disneyland and stare in wonder at Mickey Mouse, but you can be the adult who brings that joy to the child's life, over and over again. It's not the same thing as re-living your childhood, but it's happiness nonetheless, and it's not to be forgotten in your attempts to regain something that has been lost forever.

So now I'll get to the question itself: are you selfish for wanting your mom to choose this particular boyfriend? No, I don't think it's selfish. It would be selfish if your mom was dating someone who was bad for her (but could offer good things for you). In this case, though, it's a win-win situation. Why shouldn't you profit from their relationship as well? With that being said, I think it's important to recognize that this boyfriend will most likely not be your "ticket" to re-living your childhood years. He may pamper you, and you may enjoy your new family in a new state, but it's probably not going to be as blissful as you expect it to be. You're not his little child - you are his girlfriend's almost-adult child, and you may possibly become his step-child someday, but that still won't allow you to disappear into a blissful childhood. Again, I think it's important to recognize that you can have a wonderful relationship with him as an adult, but expecting him to transport you back to when you were 4 is unrealistic. You may have many wonderful memories and experiences with him - as an adult-child, not as a child-child.

Look forward. I know it's scary - I've gone through the process. There are many rewards to be gained, though, and while it's not the same thing as a happy childhood, it's a happy ADULTHOOD. You don't need to know your major/career at this point in time - that's why people take general education courses during the first 1-2 years of college, so they can see what they like and learn more about the different career opportunities that can be found with a particular major. Everything will begin to fall into place as you move ahead, that much I can promise you. When you dwell on the past and drag your feet when walking into the future, THAT'S when you begin to experience problems.

[Sequin]

Originally Posted by J.Lynn

Am I selfish for wanting my mom to choose her boyfriend?

To me, most situations in life are ethically subjective so I would never tell you that your wanting for a better life is unsound, wrong, bad, etc. The word selfish has a negative connotation in many societies but it really is a mute point in any of this. In your particular case, you express a longing for something you feel you lost out on. You express a desire to feel something akin to a home. This is a natural and normal feeling; practically universal from what I can tell. Most people want to feel like they belong somewhere or have roots because those things help to shape a person's identity. So with that in mind, is it selfish?

While my personal conditions were not like your own, I also did not grow up with friends / siblings / social activities / etc... and there are times when I have thought about how things might have been different if I were to have more "normalcy" as well. But whether or not you had a "standard" or "normal" (or however you wish to phrase it) childhood, you did have an experience which was uniquely your own. Without it, you would not be you. We can wish away our experiences and ask that they be replaced by new ones, but in doing so we actually erase ourselves and our identities and what/who we are from the equation. Past experiences, whether positive or negative, have the potential to make us stronger and more capable at handling future ones.

One of the most important aspects of a childhood / upbringing is that it shapes our views on the world and prepares us for adulthood. You stated at the start of your post that you are looking forward to your adulthood and are excited about the future. You have many interests, all of which you have picked up along the way in life, and are looking forward to seeing which direction your life heads from here. It is good you see the future in this way, because it will one day also be the past. Before that day comes, it is important that you gain as much as you can from every experience and opportunity that arrives. We cannot change the past, and sometimes we cannot change our personal circumstances due to decisions being out of our control, but the good news is that we can help shape the future and (one day) make the important decisions for ourselves. So regardless of any decision your mother makes here and now, I hope you will continue to look forward rather than back. And I hope you will continue to allow these experiences to shape you into a capable, independent adult.

The only real advice I can offer you is to express these thoughts you are having to your mother. Perhaps by relaying your concerns, she will take this into consideration before making up her mind. Expressing these thoughts to your mother is not a selfish act, because you have a stake in the outcome of this decision. It would, in fact, be selfish of your mother not to seek your input before making this choice as it would be ignoring that stake in favor of her own. So you might argue that by expressing your concerns to your mother you would be doing the unselfish thing.

I only offer this because you asked.

I do wish you luck in whatever happens next.