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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Carly Jessica
Gender: Female
Location: LA

Posts: 59
Join Date: June 30th 2009

Exclamation Losing loved ones - September 21st 2013, 02:50 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This past week has been anything but easy!!!!! On Tuesday i lost someone who I was like a grandfather. He was my step dad's dad. Me and my step dad are super close. He's feels like a father figure. I look up and admirer him and he just lost his mom a year ago which was like a grandmother to me all though I didn't see them much. I also lost a very close family friend who was my therapist for 9 years and was like a mother figure. She's has been there through everything my parents divorce, starting Jr high even the start of high school. She kept saying no matter the weather rain or shine I will be there for your high school grad but then two months in to grade 10 she got brain cancer and eventually the cancer spread through out her body and she couldn't win and her daughter was my teacher for two years and 7 years later we are still every close. When she died I was totally devastated I refused to accept it and never really dealt with it cause that would mean she will never comeback. And now that step dad's dad has died has brought up a pile of unresolved issues. And right now I am full time student upgrading at centre high I also have a part time job at Sears portrait studio I am also in a class that's preparing me to be a firefighter or a EMT which involves a lot of intense physical training I am also taking English 30-2 and science 10. So I have been going 150% everyday all day. So I am already pretty tired and stressed and overwhelmed. And now that this has happened has pushed me over the edge physically, mentally and emotionally. For the last week I have been in tears 40% of the day my teachers are worried sick about me cause i have been just a mess . I haven't been sleeping, eating. I have been feeling numb and depressed and like that I am struggling trying to stay above water but something is pulling me down. I have also been having nightmares up to 7 a night and sometimes I will wake up screaming or crying. I really don't have anyone to go to cause my mom spending all her time with my step dad which I understand. I really only have my therapist but cause of money issues I can only see her once a month and I have no one else to really do to. Cause I have some trust issues and hate asking for help makes me feel weak
I just don't know what to do but I can't keep going like this I have only been going to school for two weeks and I am already sick with a flu bug cause I just totally burned out. I have thought about suicide and self harm
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Satine's Avatar
Age: 38

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Re: Losing loved ones - September 21st 2013, 11:07 AM

You really have been pushing yourself hard. That's a really intense life you just described.

I hear your comment about how you don't want to appear weak, and I recognise you may feel very against the idea of challenging that. Can you describe what you believe would happen if you did show weakness? I mean your rational answer to that, and your irrational one (we all have irrational beliefs, and it can be useful to know).

I think it sounds like you've made your life very intense by staying so busy. I appreciate you may have done this at least partly because of your several recent bereavements. I am sorry you had those, by the way.

I'm not sure whether your post is a rant or a request for support or advice, so I'm answering tentatively.

I think you should do what you believe is best. But I also believe it's worth you understanding what's happening to and around you. That way, you can make the best possible decision about what to do.

We sometimes pack a lot into our lives so that we don't have time to stop and think, or to hear what our emotions are telling us. We become Human Doings rather than Human Beings. Could it be that you are doing this? May I guess that if you were to ease up on your schedule you'd feel you were being weak?

I urge you to consider this, and to think about what you would do if you turned out to have weaknesses. I say this because you mentioned being I'll with a virus (long term stress can make us sick) and your description of your nightly nightmares. Nightmares are your mind's way of telling you something is very wrong. I really think you should listen to it.

Wha I've suggested to you may be very difficult for you. But you're burning yourself out and you're already aware enough of the huge amount of stuff you're coping with. You have noticed that your teachers are aware of your struggles and are worried for you. Trust them.

You may find trusting others like this to be very difficult - you cope by being strong and denying that you have needs - butif you want to move forward through all of these difficulties then that is what you must do.

Perhaps it would help if you made a plan to only relinquish your 'strength' in small steps. This keeps you mostly in control and let's you step cautiously into the experience of trusting somebody else.

May I suggest a couple of steps that may help you get started?

- Write to a teacher of your choice and tell them about one of your problems. Either a bereavement or one of your studies. Alternatively, speak with the teacher about just the one problem if you prefer. Define boundaries with the teacher by telling him/her that you only want to talk about this one problem (but are aware they know about the others and will move one to talking about the others when you are ready). Define whether you want them to just listen or give you advice or empathise with you without offering advice. The choice of boundaries is mostly yours; perhaps it would be worth asking what they would do in response to your request for help (would they have to report it to a superior, etc.).
- Go to one (or more) of the teachers of your studies and ask about taking some time out, doing few hours or whatever gives you a little time. Just a little, to see how that feels.
- Start a journal, either here or somewhere else, where you mention your feelings of weakness as and when they happen, and see how people respond. Be sure to let people know it's there (perhaps put a link in your sig here). You may be pleasantly surprised by the support others offer, especially if your journal is seen by older people. This is a good way of experimenting with weakness because you'll be anonymously telling others about what's scaring, angering or tiring you out.
- Look for books or other writings by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She wrote some excellent things about bereavement which you may find useful. However, it may be too big a challenge to you right now while things are so intense. But then, it is a book rather than a person who will be expecting a response, so it's your call.

Look after yourself, in whatever way you think is best. You work incredibly hard but you are valuable even without pushing yourself that hard, and there are people in your life who love you and want the best for you. I hope you find much freedom in your discovery of the good things trusting others do for you.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Kayla Christine.
Age: 25

Posts: 3,076
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Join Date: June 15th 2010

Re: Losing loved ones - September 21st 2013, 07:32 PM

This must be hard for you, and keeping things in is never good. Its okay to cry, and its okay to be upset.
I suggest maybe writing in a journal, it might help a little, it does for me, when I cant talk to people.

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time, but leaving things unsolved will only hurt more and will always come back at you full force when stuff happens.

I hope things get better, and that you'll be okay, all those people are watching you from above, wanting you to live your life and be happy. They would want you to be happy.
You can get through this.
I wish you all the best.
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