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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Angry Stupid Cancer!!! - September 21st 2014, 02:37 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My grandpa died April 29th from brain cancer. The cancer started in his lungs and then made its way to the brain. At first when we found out he had lung cancer, it was scary, but then I was numbed to it because of grandpa. He was strong and was already suffering from a heart condition that he's had most of his adult life. He was the same funny, carefree man he always was. Even when he went in the hospital, he'd either crack jokes or complain that he didn't wanna be there like always. He never seemed sick. Till the last month or two.

He hallucinated many thing, once even thought he was on fire. He couldn't open his eyes. He just sat in the recliner, bent forward. After a while, it was like he wasn't aware of the world around him and he wouldn't talk to us or eat or move. Then liquid started filling his lungs, but he already had grandma promise not to send him back to the hospital so his lungs just filled up. The day before he died, I hugged and told him I loved him, but his body didn't respond at all, like he didn't know I was hugging him!!!

He was never suppose to die. My grandpa was superman, stronger than anyone. He had been in and out of the hospital since before I was born, but was never fazed. Despite everything, his death still came as a shock for me. His death was also the first I've experience where I'm at an age that I can understand it emotional (I was a little kid the last time someone in my family died, and I understood what it meant logically, but it never hit me emotionally like this time). Everything has just burned a place in my mind so deeply.

I was so angry and upset by it. My grades, which were already bad because of me being so upset from him being sick, fell even more and I had to do a lot more work just to more onto my new grade. I couldn't understand how I was expected to move on after what had just happened.

Now, I have times where I can think about it calmly and logical, thinking to myself that it was just his times and that's it, but there are times, like right now, that I'm so angry and torn and confused about it. I wasted so much time and so many chances with him that I can never get back. I'm so angry at the world and myself and I don't know how to change that. He needs to be here; he's missing so much! He missed my sister getting her first apartment and first serious boyfriend. He's missing my little cousins (three boys ages 6, 7, and 9) grow up. He'll never meet my girlfriend (I'm a girl too) or any great grandchildren of his. I just want him to be here for everyone else, even if he can't be for me. Especial for my sister, since he was more like a dad to him since our real dad is an abusive asshole.


"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death."-Anne Frank

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."- Anne Frank

"There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world,
because you realize there's so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on."
-Zayn Malik


   
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Re: Stupid Cancer!!! - September 21st 2014, 03:33 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Its never easy losing a loved one, specially because they are missing so much in your life after they go.

You need to remember they are still there in your heart, and they will always be there. They might not be personally there, but you know in your heart that they are there.

I really hope things get better for you.
   
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