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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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dirtyxxwater Offline
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Unhappy I need to get over his death. - December 15th 2014, 01:51 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My father died when I was eight years old. It's been around nine years since.

My parents divorced when I was a couple years old because my father was an abusive alcoholic. I seen him on weekends for years. He never abused me. In fact, he hardly talked to me. I was usually just thrown into the arms of whatever drug addict he was sleeping with at the time. This was a norm until his wife tried to kidnap me and he was too drunk to save me. My mom didn't let me see him anymore. It upset me that I couldn't see him but I didn't really understand anything. A couple of weeks before he died he asked my mom if I could spend the night with him. She told him I couldn't stay the night, but we could spend time together. He reacted very badly, sent her a letter telling her he wanted nothing to do with me and that I was nothing to him. She told me what he had said (a little watered down of course) and I cried the entire night. Well a couple weeks later I found out he had passed away. He was in a drunken rage and tried to stab my very pregnant sister and when he was running away from the cops he fell into a bush and had a heart attack.

At his funeral one whole side of his family was calling me, my mom, and my sisters murderers because they blamed us for his death. The funeral was a mess. I didn't even cry. But after the funeral I lost contact with two of my sisters because I had received my dads truck and his ashes instead of them. I also haven't talked to my brother since then but he's mentally retarded and probably has no idea I exist.

Anyway, I didn't really know how to mourn his death. I didn't really know him as much as I wanted to (at the time.) And a lot more stuff happened after his death that took him off my mind, but it all piled up.

Anyway just recently I found out from my sister that my father was a rapist and he sexually abused all of my sisters. No one knows except us sisters, I haven't even told my mom because I don't want her to hate him like I do.

I physically cannot stand the thought of my father. I can't stand that I have his blood inside me. This has made me sick. I can't get him out of my head.

I can't get over his death. I want to bring him back just so I can kill him myself. How do I deal with this? How am I supposed to cope?

I don't know what advice I'm supposed to get to help this. I just need to accept that he did what he did and he's gone. But I can't. How do I do that?
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cynefin Offline
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Re: I need to get over his death. - December 15th 2014, 04:30 AM

Hi there and to TeenHelp!

It sounds like you've been through a lot in your lifetime and I'm sorry to hear about all of this. You, your mom, and your sisters are not murderers. You had nothing to do with your father's death; you didn't cause it. It could have been anyone that had a heart attack that night but it was your father who did. And, it's sad to know that a side of your family doesn't understand that you had nothing to do with his death. You don't need more negativity in your life and based on how they treated you it's probably better that you're not in contact with them, family or not.

Everyone reacts differently to death and it's understandable that you didn't cry at the funeral. Is contacting your siblings something that you're interested in?

It must be hard knowing that he abused your sisters and I hope that they're able to get the help that they need. Have you considered counseling? It might be something for you to look into as it can do a world of good. You don't have to tell your mom about this if you don't want to. I think it would be a good idea for you to tell someone, though. Is there anyone you trust that you can lean on for extra support? If not, you can refer to this list of hotlines. I also suggest keeping a blog or a journal so you can express your feelings; it might help you cope with your anger.

I personally don't think there's a correct way to grieve someone. It's something that everyone deals with differently and on their own time. This article is a good resource to check out.

It's understandable that you aren't happy about being related to your father. Just remember that you don't have to turn out like your father and you can use your father as an example of who you don't want to be. Despite being related to your father, you are your own person. I think you need to find some things to help express your anger. Do you do anything currently that allows you to cope with that?

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death, death of a family member, father, sexual abuse, trigger warning

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