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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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A close friend passed away suddenly. - May 14th 2016, 03:04 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I haven't been on here in ages, mainly due to recovering and being in a very happy place in my life but now I don't know where to turn. I found out on Thursday that a very close childhood friend passed away on Wednesday night. It was all very sudden, she was only 19 years old, just a few months younger than me and she was in a car accident and didn't make it. I instantly broke down and I've just been feeling this heaviness ever since. I can't even sleep. I mean overall it seems to be getting better, I'm having less random breakdowns throughout the day and later today I'm getting a tattoo in her memory, but I still can't sleep. The only reason I fell asleep the night of, I assume anyway, is related to being so tired and exhausted as well as having a little bit to drink, but nothing major. Tonight however, I just couldn't. I stayed up until around 6 and I spent over an hour just laying there trying to go to sleep but all I could do was cry. I was trying to keep quiet because I didn't want to bother my husband who was trying to sleep but in the end I just had to give up and get ready for my day.

I have no idea how to handle such a sudden loss of someone so young. We've been friends since the third grade, we told each other everything and she helped me through so much. Honestly we both saved each others lives on at least one occasion, and now... now she's gone and I'll never see her again. I feel so guilty because after high school we didn't talk much, she had work and I got married and started college. And just a few months ago we ran into each other and said we'd make plans to hang out. It's just really hard and I hate crying all the time and not being able to sleep. I miss her so much.


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: A close friend passed away suddenly. - May 14th 2016, 04:37 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss. R.I.P.

I'm sure she wants you to get though this.

PM me if you need anything.
   
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Re: A close friend passed away suddenly. - May 15th 2016, 07:40 AM

Hey Cheye,

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now. It is understandable that it hurts to lose your friend so suddenly. Grieving the loss of someone close to you is normal. Everyone grieves for different amounts of time and I don't believe it is easy.

Getting a tattoo in her memory seems like a good idea. It will definitely help you feel connected to her throughout. You mentioned you did not want to bother your husband but honestly, I think you should turn to him for support, or anybody else. Talking to someone about how you feel might help a little in getting rid of the heaviness. I know this is a very tough time for you and you might want to be alone, but staying around people that understand you and make you feel happy, will help you feel better. You do not deserve to go through this alone, it is very important that you have someone to support you. You could also consider journaling or blogging about your feelings so you have a safe place to vent. Use whichever option suits you to get your feelings out, because it is unhealthy to keep feelings pent up. It will only explode later.

I realize your guilt about not keeping in touch with your friend. It is important for you to realize that it is very common for people to lose touch after high school because everyone gets busy with their lives. I know you made plans to meet and I realize you miss her. You could consider making a diary and writing letters to your friend. You could put in everything you want to tell her as and when you feel like it. If visiting her grave is a possibility, you could go there and speak to her. This could help you gain some closure.

You have lost someone close to you and that does impact your life in a lot of ways. The most important thing is thinking about and remembering all the good times you had together. You could consider making a scrap book of things you did together. Getting together with other people who knew her, other high school friends could prove as a support system for all of you in this tough time. You could plant a tree and take care of it in her memory. I have heard of people writing messages on balloons and sending it up in the sky to the person they miss.

Please feel free to continue posting about how you feel and don't hesitate to contact any of us for support. We are all here for you. Just keep in mind that it will get easier with time. Stay strong, you are not alone.

Feel free to message me anytime if you need to talk. Take care.


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Re: A close friend passed away suddenly. - May 15th 2016, 06:28 PM

I'm really sorry for your loss.

It's very hard to lose someone so suddenly because they're here one minute and gone the next. That in itself is a big adjustment.

I agree with what was said above in that you should consider reaching out to your husband when you feel comfortable. He knows about your friend and I'm sure he expects you to struggle and he might help you get through this. You don't even have to talk to him about things, sometimes it helps just to be near someone you love during a difficult time. Maybe you can reach out to other people you trust, like your other friends, or people who knew your friend as that could be a good support.

Someone mentioned blogging or journaling so you can get your feelings out. Definitely give that a try if you can. Writing letters to your friend can help as well.

Above all, just try to let yourself experience everything you're feeling. Don't judge your thoughts or feelings, either. Let them come out freely so they don't get stuck inside and remember to take care of yourself. It's easy to forget about self-care when you're struggling.


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Re: A close friend passed away suddenly. - May 17th 2016, 10:16 AM

I'm sorry that this has happened, losing someone you've know for so long must be very hard for you.
Don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes life just gets in the way, it's easy to lose touch with your friends after high school because of the increased workload of college and life in general.
I think getting a tatoo is a great idea, that way you'll always have something to remember her by and she'll always be close to your heart.
I'm sure she would definitely have wanted you to live a happy life, and you deserve to be happy too, I think it would help if you went to talk with her family members or her friends, they are the ones who would understand best what you're going through.
   
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Re: A close friend passed away suddenly. - May 19th 2016, 06:23 AM

Thank you so much everyone, it's still difficult and I'm working very hard on get past this, not necessarily getting past the fact that she's gone but being able to accept it enough that my body isn't physically going through this grieving/depression. It's been very difficult physically, mentally and emotionally, but I'm trying to get to a state of acceptance. I think the hardest thing for me is that in all honesty, I'm an atheist, so I can't have the happy thought that everyone else does that she's in a better place or that she's smiling down on us. I entertain the notion to those who do have that faith, but personally I haven't agreed with it and even now I just can't personally believe in it, so it does make losing someone that much harder because the fact is, with my beliefs anyway, she truly is gone, she's reduced to nothing more than memories and what's done with her body and that's probably the worst of it all. In any case I did get my tattoo,, I love it very much and I've started a private Tumblr where I've been writing her letters everyday. It seems to be helping quite a bit. Meanwhile, however, a current close friend of mine seems to think that I and possibly others in her life are neglecting the living in favour of pain for the deceased and that's not the situation at all. I'm not choosing to be essentially handicapped at times by this raging grief, nor am I choosing to be feeling this pain, I can't help it and I just wish she would see that...


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Re: A close friend passed away suddenly. - May 19th 2016, 09:33 PM

Hey

Thank you for coming to us here. I am so sorry about your loss.

I've lost my best friend about two years ago and another very close friend two months ago and overcoming it, grieving and letting it be has been very hard. I'm still grieving for them both but the grieving process is something you can not stop nor control. You are going to go through it and it's going to be hard but do nice things to cheer yourself up, talk to the people around you for support and let time heal it. You will gradually start to feel a bit better and feel like you're accepting it but it's going to take time. Everyone grieves differently but it's important you let that process take place in order for you to accept what has happened in the long run.

Again, I am so sorry about your loss. I wish there was something more I could do or say to help you. Just know if you ever want to message me then you are more than welcome to do so. Never be alone in this, okay?

Hope and wishes
Jessie


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Re: A close friend passed away suddenly. - May 20th 2016, 04:46 PM

I'm glad to hear you're writing letters to her everyday. I think you can really benefit from that and it can probably help you work toward acceptance. One thing to think about, though, is that everyone grieves differently in their own time. Try not to push acceptance, because you'll get there eventually when you're ready for it.

Since you can't find comfort in the religious beliefs that others have, what if you made up a belief of your own to bring you comfort? No one really knows what happens after death so there's no right or wrong thing as long as it helps you. For instance, someone I know lost someone very close to them a few years ago and the person who died liked cats and they said they'd come back as a cat. Shortly after they died, a sick kitten showed up on their doorstep and they nursed it back to health.

And you're right. You're not choosing to be in this kind of pain and you're not neglecting the living. You're grieving and grieving takes time and brings a lot of pain. Continue to let yourself feel and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


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