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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Unhappy Hello....new life... - June 5th 2016, 05:26 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So my mom passed away in January on the 25th this year. I used to be active on this site, and now I'm barely here. My life consists of working so that I can have money for me and the boyfriend to run on. Also two months later my uncle who was like a second dad passed away, I miss both them so much. I find myself taking my anger and hurt out on my boyfriend, and I feel so bad. (I've never physically hurt him.) It's like I'm hurting so part of me wants someone else to hurt too, I'm seeking therapy soon. I have been assigned a new psychiatrist as my old one has got a new job in a higher position. I have yet to know who it is, but where it will be. I just wish I could move on, but I know grieving takes time. I never thought at 27 I'd be on my own without my mom, dad, and my uncle who is like my other dad. I just feel lost sometimes, like I know I belong with my boyfriend it's the one place I feel safe and call home now. I just wish sometimes I could have them back, to guide me through life and tough choices of life. I am working on not hurting the boyfriend, but instead finding ways to cope and express myself. At work at times they will play songs and they remind me of my mom, and I almost break down but I stay strong for the fact that I am on register with customers. Sorry this is rambling just felt I needed to get this out, and that some people may want to know where I've been.


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Re: Hello....new life... - June 6th 2016, 08:13 AM

Hey Bre.

I'm really sorry to hear about this. I think I know a little bit about what you're feeling because I'm in a similar situation - my father died in 2014, and my mother is terminally ill. So I can understand how terrifying it is to suddenly be out on your own, and to not know how to cope with it.

It's a natural human impulse to lash out when you're hurt. It's like, you can't take your pain away, so you want someone else to feel it too. But the thing is - and I'm sure you know it already - that's not a lasting solution. It can quickly develop into a vicious cycle where nobody wins and everyone hurts, so it's important to try to stop it before it starts. What other methods do you usually use to express or release your emotions? It's absolutely vital to have outlets during this time, otherwise your feelings will at the very least bring you down, and at worst hurt those around you.

The other thing to make sure of is that you're not alone. Your boyfriend cares about you and he's there to help, so please lean on him when you need (same with any friends, family members, or anyone else in your support network). Conversely, don't be afraid to deal with something on your own if you need. It's perfectly okay to ask him to give you some time, or to press the metaphorical pause button on an activity or conversation so that you can deal with your feelings yourself. There's nothing wrong with keeping things to yourself until you feel ready to give voice to them, just as there's nothing wrong with talking about how you're feeling. It's all about what you're comfortable with and what feels right for you, you know?

Moving on is bound to be a painful, lengthy process, but you need to remind yourself that there will come a day when it won't hurt so much. Things are hard now, but it doesn't mean your life is over or that you won't ever be happy again. I understand what you mean by having trouble coming to terms with the way things are. In the space of four years I've lost three family members, two family friends, and have had one family member diagnosed as terminal. Sometimes it all just takes me by surprise; I know I've processed it all, but there are just these oh my god moments where I struggle to understand that this is what my life is now. It's all part of the grieving process, part of moving on, and I've found it important to keep looking forward and always giving myself things to aim/hope for.

It's entirely understandable to want to have loved ones back, and to feel lost without them. That feeling will fade, but it's going to be painful in the meantime. It could help to think about what they would want you to do, and what kind of support they'd provide if they were still alive. If they offered a particular kind of support (for example if one of them was good at cheering you up, or if one was a really good listener) then you might like to look into ways you can find that support elsewhere. As cliche as it is, it can also be good to remind yourself that they would only want the best for you, and wouldn't want their passing to get in the way of you living your life.

Please don't apologise for seeking help, or for rambling, or anything else. This is a really difficult time, and you deserve all the help and support you need. Message me if there's anything I can do to help, okay? <3


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Re: Hello....new life... - June 15th 2016, 04:38 AM

Thanks Chess. I am trying to get back to normal, but it feels every time I take a step forward I end up two steps back. I am getting into therapy hopefully Friday I really hope that helps. It seems lately my head won't shut up, and that my anxiety is so overwhelming. The boyfriend tries to calm me down, but he has to take care of himself too. :/


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Re: Hello....new life... - June 18th 2016, 01:35 AM

I definitely think that therapy is a good idea, and I hope it really helps too. The thing about going back to normal after a huge loss like this is that it's inevitably going to be a different normal to the one you left behind. So it's not so much about trying to get back to the way things were before as it is trying to work out where you stand now and what your life is going to be (or, perhaps more importantly, what you want your life to be from this point). It's okay to feel like you're backsliding sometimes; that could be a sign that you're trying to move forward too fast, or in a way that isn't optimal for you, or it could just be that the timing isn't right. Please don't let it get you down, okay? It's an unfortunate, but kind of necessary, part of this whole process. As for feeling like you've got too much going on in your mind and too much anxiety, what are some things you've tried or could try to work through that? Have you tried writing your feelings down (in a blog, journal, or poetry, for example), or taking up a soothing activity (like meditating, knitting, or anything else where you have to focus on the activity itself rather than your thoughts)? It's important to have safe coping mechanisms during this time, so try a few things and see what works for you.


if you know the hunter's coming
then you hide or keep on running
'cause she's slain the gods before.
   
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