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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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CrystalJade Offline
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Still struggling with loss of pet.... 6 years later. - October 3rd 2016, 12:10 PM

When I was about 17 my pet cat passed away. She was the baby of one of my other cats and so I was there when she was born and I was there for her whole life, except the very end.

I remember it was a rainy evening and she wanted inside (she was indoor/outdoor and had gotten pregnant before we could get her spayed). I had her inside for a bit and I noticed she had blood all over her. We thought she was in labor but my dad made me put her back outside in the rain. I should have protested more to keep her in....

The next day I found her kittens, they were all dead, it looked like they were all still births. She was still bleeding too. I asked my dad to take her to the vet and he told me we couldn't afford it. I believe this went on to the next day. Finally, after asking and throwing a fit he took her in. She was in a box on my lap for the ride there, staring into my eyes the whole ride as I told her she was beautiful and had the prettiest green eyes. I told her we were getting her help and it'd. E okay. We arrived at the vets and he was out on a house call so I had to leave her there. I said by but never told her I loved her because the assistant was watching me and I felt my space was violated....

That night I was feeling better because I knew the vet would help her and she'd be home soon... My dad got a call and I heard it through his phone speaker, "it appears to me that this cat is dying". My stomach dropped and I felt sick. She passed away alone, without me, in an unfamiliar place.

The next day I went in to collect her collar and the pillow case she was laying on and I broke down when they handed them to me. I still have her collar packed away somewhere. I'm so filled with guilt over her dying alone, not getting her help sooner, and kicking her out in the rain. I'm mad at my dad still and I hate the vet and his assistant. My heart is so broken when I think about it.

How do I cope? How do I forgive myself and my dad? I feel it would be different if I would have just stayed with her and taken better care and a stronger stand for her. She was cremated and I buried her with her babies in my dads backyard. 6 years later and I'm still so hurt like it was recent, it honestly hurts worse than when I miscarried my first. Please help.
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cynefin Offline
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Re: Still struggling with loss of pet.... 6 years later. - October 3rd 2016, 02:18 PM

I'm so sorry you had to experience that. That's terrible and I can't imagine how bad you must feel.

I think it is easy to focus on the way your cat died. You said she died alone, you had kicked her out in the rain, and you are guilty about that. Even though you didn't tell your cat you loved her the last time, I am sure she knew you did. Those things might always linger in the back of your mind, but maybe it'll help if you focus on more positive things about your cat, such as being there when she was born, and giving her unconditional love.

Have you ever told your dad about how you feel? If you're not comfortable doing so, maybe you can write a letter and tell him how you feel about being made to put her back out in the rain. You can write a letter to the vet and assistant, too. Whether or not you send them is up to you. Because, should you choose to write letters, you are doing it for you. Not for your dad, the vet, or the assistant. You are letting your feelings out by writing these letters.

I don't really know how to forgive, but I found this article and it might help you out a little bit.

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They whispered to her
you cannot withstand the storm
she whispered back
i am the storm.
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