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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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My uncle - October 17th 2017, 03:41 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My uncle was a happy healthy man until two days ago where he got sick and today I got the news that he died today. My whole family back at home and Mexico are really distraught. He was the oldest in the family and I remember seeing him almost a year ago in Christmas and I remember we were all united in my grandma's house talking about how old everyone is and guessing ages and all. My mom called me sobbing and she's the type of person who never cries. I heard my grandma's in complete shock. She has memory problems and this caused her to really shock her and cause her to not even know what she's doing.
There's just so much going on. These past few months since the summer I think, one of my cousins has been in a coma due to a drug overdose. He's supposedly brain dead, but he's slowly recovering and it's taken a toll on my other uncle who's his father. Also, just thinking about all the death that's been happening all around, with the hurricanes in Texas, Florida, and Puerto Rico, the big earthquake that happened in Mexico (not where my family is from), and the North Bay fire happening here in the part of California where I'm living in. It's so weird to me how a few weeks ago I was thinking about death and suicide but now I'm just so saddened by all the death around me that I'm so numb to it. I might be dissociating, I'm not sure. I want to cry, but I feel since me and my uncle weren't that close I don't have a reason to cry. I was also underminded by one of my housemates because they think that I'm lucky to have so few deaths in the family, and so distant too. Their mom died a while back due to cancer so they told me that their family death is bigger and treated my family death as a joke. Idk I feel bad because yeah I wasn't close to my uncle, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad about it and feel bad about it too?
My mom doesn't want to go to Mexico for the funeral. She's really attached to her mom, my grandma, and in the current state she's in she'll feel worse when we come back to the US. She wants to be there to say goodbye, but she doesn't want to see grandma like that or anyone else really sad.
Idk.


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Re: My uncle - October 17th 2017, 11:53 AM

I am sorry for your loss. It must be shocking, having a happy and healthy person become ill and pass away within a short amount of time.

Even though you weren’t close to him you definitely have the right to cry and feel sad about this. You cannot control how you feel about this and it is important to release your feelings in a healthy way. So, do cry if you feel as though you want to and you can.

Your housemates shouldn’t have said the things that they did. Yes, their mother passed away from cancer but that does not make your loss insignificant. It was wrong of them to compare their loss to yours; everyone’s life and losses are so different and unique with different circumstances that there never is a ‘level playing field.’

The person you lost and how your family members are doing is most definitely important and significant. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling and we’ll be here for you along the way.


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Re: My uncle - October 17th 2017, 01:24 PM

I'm so sorry for you're loss. When you have lost somebody you're not always sure what to do and that's okay. And it doesn't matter how close you are to them or not. Everyone still gets upset and if you cry or if you're angry or whatever else you are feeling it doesn't matter, you can do that it's totally fine. However you need to feel during this you feel. It's not a right or wrong way to grieve everybody will do this differently. Please don't be too hard on yourself for being upset and I know you're family is too and I hope that you will be okay soon. If you're able to get some pictures together and you can tell them some stories about him too if you are up for that. I know it's hard going through something like this and I hope you will be ok soon. Please take care of yourself too, try to get enough sleep and make sure that you are eating too. Also try to do things that will help pick you up, put on a funny movie or TV show, music, going for a walk or calling a friend. I hope you will be ok.
Lots of hugs.
   
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Re: My uncle - October 17th 2017, 05:20 PM

Hey there,

I'm so sad to hear about your loss. Please don't let anyone make you feel like your loss isn't significant. It really doesn't matter that you weren't as close to your uncle as other people were to their family members. Loss is loss, and it hits each of us in different ways, sometimes harder than we expect, and it's ok to let that grief in and ride it out. Nobody should have the right to tell you otherwise - you don't choose to be sad, and you don't choose what thoughts rush through your mind when things like this happen. It really isn't fair for people to treat your loss as a joke just because they don't see it as important as their own.

Perhaps you could suggest to your mum that you hold a memorial where you are so that she doesn't have to travel to the funeral? You can say goodbye in so many ways, and while being at the funeral might be nice, it's not always ideal. Light a candle and say a few words among each other maybe. Do something in your uncles honour, like doing an activity he enjoyed. Talk about him and find a way to laugh and cry together if you feel like it. That way, your mum can still say goodbye in a way which suits her.

If you need a chat at all, I'm happy to listen, so feel free to PM me any time. I hope you're doing ok.


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Re: My uncle - October 17th 2017, 09:37 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle- that sounds like a big shock for you and your family since it was unexpected and sudden. Understandably, when there is a lot of death and trauma happening around and to us, we may dissociate and numb our feelings since it may be an overwhelming task trying to process everything.

You may not feel that you were very close with your uncle, but the news of his death has shocked and upset you. It's more than okay to cry if you feel like it. It might help a bit by crying and processing the grief slowly rather than numbing it. We all deal with death differently, but no one death is worse than another. I'm sorry to hear that your housemate undermined what you are going through- they may still be grieving over their mother, although it definitely doesn't make what they said okay.

I do agree with Hollie about holding a memorial with your mom and family at home, if that helps. And let your mom know how you feel too as it can help you to realise that what you are feeling is normal and that you aren't alone in this.


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