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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 28th 2017, 05:37 AM

I lost someone last year.

We were close, to a certain extent. They knew I had trouble with hugs and affection and so they would go out of their way to try and help me feel comfortable with them. They knew why I struggled and they never really disrespected my boundaries or made me feel uncomfortable while they were trying to show me that hugs were okay.

They were full of energy and love and kindness.

We will be doing something in remembrance of them tomorrow and I am really struggling with that.

When they died. I just went through the motions. I wanted to support the family member who was hurting most.

Now, I feel like I'm finally grieving and I just feel broken.

I sometimes think that it should have been me because of how many people cared about her. But, I know this is irrational thinking and guilt.

At the funeral last year, someone in my family gave a speech and they left me out of it completely. That hurt ALOT because it showed that they don't consider me one of them.

I don't want to deal with that this time.

I feel broken and I saw a picture of them today and almost broke down.

It hurts so much and I feel so stupid for only barely just beginning to grieve. Everyone else has been grieving for a year.

I don't know if this is normal and I don't really know what I am looking for by posting this.


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Re: Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 28th 2017, 11:33 AM

I am so sorry to hear of your lost. It definitely sounds like she played an important role in your life.

Everyone goes through different stages of grief and because you didn't have time to do so when it first happened, it sounds like you're grieving now, so you shouldn't feel stupid.

I know I didn't offer much comfort but if you ever need to talk, my inbox is always open.


   
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Re: Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 28th 2017, 01:08 PM

Itís not stupid that youíre starting to grieve now. Some people take longer than others to begin the process and you canít control how long or difficult your process wil be. Itís easier said than done but try not to judge yourself. Perhaps you can acknowledge it and use some affirmations in the place of those judgements.

The person you lost sounded like she was really amazing and it is unfortunate that her time here was cut short. Even though your family is doing something to remember her, maybe you can do something completely separate and on your own or with your boyfriendís help for yourself. You said she was a kind and loving person; you could take some old magazines or print out some photos, cut them out, and use colors, shapes or objects that represent to you what kind of person she was. You could make a collage of her.

You could write her or anyone else in your family a letter. You mentioned that someone left you out at the funeral last year. Could you write them a lette and let them know how it made you feel? You can scribble or use different colored pens and then destroy it in a fun way when youíre done.

You may feel broken but you are slowly picking up the pieces and putting them back together by beginning the grieving process. Message me any time day or night.


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Re: Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 28th 2017, 01:26 PM

Thank you both for the support.

Cassie, I might try and write a letter to some people. I could, maybe, post it in my blog but I have some journals I could use as well.

I know today is going to be difficult and I feel terrible for not wanting to go because I do want to 'celebrate' her life, as they say. But, I just...IDK...It is going to be hard.

I might, consider looking into bereavement counseling for myself. I know, the place I volunteer does it for free and I ended up sending my cousin there to try and get some help.

I just don't know how well I'd handle bereavement counseling. Right now though, it is really hard to see pictures of her or drive past certain areas in my town without being reminded of how she passed away. It all gives me a bit of anxiety too.


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Re: Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 28th 2017, 02:17 PM

Hi, I'm so sorry for you're loss and I know that when you have lost somebody it hurts a lot and you don't always know what to do. Everybody grieves in different ways. Some people get right back to what they are doing and working, or going back to school and others may push himself away from everybody or find ways to help themselves to deal with this. So you do whatever you need to do to help yourself feel better. If you have any pictures you can make a scrapbook and put different pictures and write words around the pictures of how you feel at that time or now. You can also decorated different ways too, with color and sparkles if you're into that that help you. But if this is too much for you, you don't have to do this. I like the letter idea, and that can help you too. When you are doing this, you can write a letter and get all of you're feeling out and emotions down on the paper and when you get done you can rip it into a whole bunch of pieces and throw it in the garbage.
Also if you have friends and family that you can be around and you can talk about this to help may help you feel a little bit better.

Please also take care of yourself too, so put in funny movie's or TV shows to make you laugh and you can also go for a walk too and you can have on music if you like. I hope that you will be ok soon. Lots of Hugs.
   
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Re: Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 29th 2017, 08:01 AM

Hey Emma,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I didn't end up going to the mass they had. I feel guilty for that but I don't feel I could cope. There are other factors that contributed to the decision. The biggest one was not being able to cope.

I have such a busy week coming up and I feel like I'm falling apart. I am seeing pictures and it bothers me and chokes me up. The mass probably would have done the same thing and I need to be okay for something I have coming up on Wednesday.

Anyway, thank you for the suggestions.


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Re: Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 29th 2017, 01:48 PM

If you write some letters to people you’re more than welcome to PM them to me if you’d like to. And I’ll definitely check them out if you post them to your blog.

Bereavement counseling could be a good idea, especially if it is offered for free. The routine of seeing a counselor and having them as a support could be really beneficial for you. Perhaps the counselor could give you suggestions on how to cope with the bereavement counseling itself.

It is okay that you couldn’t go to the mass. Something someone once told me that I agree with is that funerals and celebrations of someone’s life are for the living, not the dead. Though you were honoring her, the mass was to provide some closure to the people she loved and you needed to look after yourself.

Is there any way you could avoid pictures of her? Or, if you look at them and feel upset maybe it would help to allow yourself to cry. You could get it out and then see how those pictures make you feel.

If you need a distraction Wednesday or anytime let me know.


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Re: Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 29th 2017, 11:38 PM

Hey,

Thank you for the response. Avoiding the pictures is hard because they just randomly pop up. Her husband will post pictures occasionally and so will some of her family and she will be tagged. I also don't know that I don't want to see the photos. Even though they upset me and things like that...it is nice seeing them too because it helps me remember her and the good times we had together. I mean, I know I'll never forget her but the pictures kind of make the memories more real.

I think I will be okay it's just...hard since this happened a year ago and I still haven't really grieved. I know why I haven't, mainly because I am able to shut my emotions off to a certain extent but, usually, those shut off emotions will come back and bite me, eventually.

The family that went to the mass were talking about it and some of the things that were said made me glad I didn't go because I think I would have ended up angry. I might end up messaging you about some of what happened but it's not something I want to share on the forum because I feel like it might be to revealing.


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Re: Lost someone a while ago and struggling - October 31st 2017, 12:33 PM

Even though seeing those pictures are difficult it might be therapeutic in that it can help you remember the good times, as you said. Even though she is gone, the memories of those good times are still here and that’s a good thing to be reminded of.

It does sound like it was good that you didn’t go to the mass and I am glad you put yourself first in that regard. Do message me if you want to share anything that you don’t feel comfortable sharing in the forums.


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The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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