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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Grief is funny - January 18th 2019, 01:02 PM

Grief is funny.


I struggle a lot with grief. Like, I feel sad when people die but I disconnect myself and don't allow myself to feel.


In 2016 my cousin lost his wife and it was devastating for him. I still struggle a lot with her death. I don't talk about it much but I feel like it should have been me. She was so damn happy with life and her and my cousin were going to start a family and in one instant all that changed. My cousin still struggles with her death and that breaks my heart. Every day on the way to and from work I am reminded of her death because I drive by some areas that are similar to where her accident happens. EVERY single day I have this fleeting thought that it should have been me because I am depressed and I don't always like life.


I tried talking to my dad about it but he went on some rant about God which was really off-putting and led to me knowing that I can't talk to him about it.


Last year we also lost my uncle. He was older (70's ) and he had been sick for a long time. We knew it was coming. He had an aneurysm in his stomach and they couldn't do surgery because his heart was too weak so they told him to wait it out. They basically told him he was going to die but it was a matter of when.


I can't really remember when he died. I think that it was in the summer and it was sad. I didn't allow myself to feel the sadness but I do miss him. We had a really weird relationship. My uncle was kind of a jerk. He had the biggest heart but due to what I feel was untreated anxiety he wasn't always the nicest and it was scary to a sensitive child like me.



From the time I was in 7th grade to high school my uncle moved closer to us and my dad, my uncle and I hung out a lot. I was able to get a new perspective on him as a person and I came to realize that he did care about me.


I appreciate that time we had together but I struggle with the fact that I didn't visit him more. I tried visiting him once but I think he was so miserable and dealing with so much that he was back to being grumpy and scary and I couldn't cope.


I miss both people in my life and this morning it randomly hit me that they are gone. Grief is funny that way, it can seem like everything is fine and than BAM! you are grieving or missing the person.


I don't know that I'll ever stop feeling guilty over surviving when my cousins wife didn't and I don't really have people to talk to about it. My boyfriend doesn't know what to say and I really don't want to hear how it was god's decision and she was ready to die. That's all bullshit to someone like me who doesn't believe in a loving god.


Not sure why I am writing this. I figured there might be some people who can relate.


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Re: Grief is funny - January 18th 2019, 05:46 PM

Hi,
I am so sorry you are having a hard time with all of this and I hope that you will be okay soon. When someone passes away we all can act differently and feel different types of things and that is totally fine to do. Sometimes some of us will want to talk about this with other people, some will not want to and some can just keep all of this to themselves. They do not have a rule on what you have to do when someone passes away, you always want to do what is best for you. If you want to try talking to someone about this to help you out with this and help you to feel better try that.

If you can try talking to a therapist and letting them know that you are having a hard time with this and they can talk back with you and you can get all of the emotions and anything else that you are keeping inside of you. They can help you move past that feeling too. Or if you don't want to talk to somebody you can write it all down on paper and get it all out of you and you can give it to them to read and they can talk to you about it or if you want to just rip it up into a whole bunch of pieces and throw it in the garbage when you are done you can do that. Sometimes it can be hard to just walk up to someone and tell them how you are feeling, so when you write a letter this can help you out so they are able to help you out and to help you to feel better soon.

You can also try talking to your family members about the different memories that you have and see what they have. Or you could all make a scrapbook together and put different pictures or quotes or anything you want to put in the book about them and talking about it with them or putting pictures can help you to be okay with this. Try to do something to help you to be okay, reading, going for a walk, funny TV shows or movies or drawing or something else that you truly enjoy doing that can help you out for a while. I hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs.


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Re: Grief is funny - January 19th 2019, 05:08 PM

I'm wondering if perhaps what you are feeling with regards to your cousin's wife is similar to survivor guilt? When we are depressed but feel pressured to live a happy and meaningful life, and we see someone who really does seem to be living that way, but their life is cut short, we can sometimes feel that we are unworthy of our lives and that it should've been us instead. It makes sense as we may feel that our lives aren't worth living and that someone else's life should've been spared instead. It's not true of course, but it makes sense why you might feel this way and why it complicates your grief when you see daily reminders. Sorry to hear that your dad didn't see it this way though and you feel you can't talk to him about it. I hope you find someone who you can talk to though.

And with your uncle, it makes sense that when you haven't always gotten along but did manage to improve the relationship, that you may feel guilty about not visiting more.

I think regrets and guilt can be a common part of grieving, no matter what the circumstance. I've had family members who have had a lot of regret when someone has passed away and they hadn't made amends or left things unsaid. I know I regret not spending more time with my dad. And as you said, grief is funny. You can be fine for a while, and then it just seems to hit you out of nowhere. You're not alone with this though.


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