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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Sad with Questions - January 10th 2010, 05:20 AM

My Grandma passed away yesterday after six long months of fighting pancreatic cancer. I'm glad that she's no longer in pain and today I went with my family to see her at the funeral home. Rest assured that she looks beautiful and looks at peace. That's comforting. I think she'd be happy with the way she looks and the casket my family picked out.

I saw her the other day when she was laying in bed, gone, looking very bad. So seeing her the way she is now, is comforting.

Still, I'm having a hard time accepting this change in life. I thought I would be okay with it. I had braced myself for many months. And I've handled it pretty well. Yesterday morning my Mom got me up and told me that Papa called and said that he couldn't find her pulse. We went over there and waited for Hospice to come, then for the funeral home to come. I didn't really break down until they wheeled her downstairs.

Today I was doing pretty well, until we went and saw her at the funeral home. Again, it was a comfort to see her looking so well and peaceful. But it sort of just brought the full impact that I didn't receive yesterday, I guess. I think what was hard was seeing my little cousins break down and cry when we went and saw her. They hadn't seen her since she was alive.

Now I think my anxiety is kicking in some what and a lot of questions are going through my mind. How will Monday be, when we have to be there for the viewing? How will Tuesday be, when we go to the actual funeral? Will I be able to stay calm? Sure, I'm gonna bawl like a baby. Lol But I don't want to break out into hysterics or anything. (though I doubt I would)

But another thing has sort of been brought to my attention. She's gone. Her actual self isn't here anymore. Her body is right down the street at the funeral home. But she isn't here anymore. She's somewhere else other than Earth now. She's in a place that we know little about.

And just thinking that one day, hopefully many many many years from now, I'll be in this situation where I'll leave this earth. I wonder how I'll feel during my last moments. I wonder if I'll be given a time limit to live. I wonder if It will be unexpected. Then I wonder what it's going to be like once I leave the Earth.

And I think, You spend forever in Heaven. and for some reason the thought scares me. Forever- even though it's in this perfect place that we've been told about, the thought of forever still scares me. How can it possibly be forever? What's forever like?

So many questions have hit me in these last few months. And I know I'm awfully young to be thinking about all of this. I'm only 16, but I still can't help but wonder.


   
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Re: Sad with Questions - January 10th 2010, 10:15 AM

Hi there. I just want to give you my deepest sympathy and I'm sorry for your loss.

What you are feeling right now is totally normal - you're grieving. It's a process everyone has to go through when a loved one has passed. The questions you have are totally normal too. This is your personal way of dealing with it all.

You said it was comforting to see her in the funeral home - try and remember her this way, try and remember all the good times you've had with her - I'm sure it will bring a smile to your face?

I know losing someone is very difficult, but like you said, your Grandma isn't in pain any more. In time, you won't always feel like this. Eventually you will come to terms with her death. No one knows how long you will grieve though. We all grieve for different amounts of time because we are all different!

I hope this helps, and once again, I am sorry for your loss. Don hesitate to pm me any time

Laura_xx


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Re: Sad with Questions - January 12th 2010, 08:50 PM

You are very young to be thinking of such but it is understandable why you would be thinking of such stuff. All I can say is don't put pressure on yourself by asking somany questions like how will monday be or tuesday or wednesday. Just let them reach on their own time and you will see how each day will be. Just have some rest and take time to take this in and live and be there for your family as you all go through this.
   
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Re: Sad with Questions - January 14th 2010, 03:18 AM

First of all, thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read and answer to my problems. I really appreciate it.

The funeral was nice. She got a lot of flowers and many people came. People have given us sympathy and food and have been very kind.

Last night, however, I found myself remembering all the bad things about my Grandma, which was troubling. In a sense, I think it's like deep in my subconscious I'm mad at her for leaving- probably. I'm no phychiatrist. But I also remember the good times.

Then I found myself feeling guilty. Like, I wish I had said more stuff to her, I wish we didn't fight so much these last few years (Though we've gotten along for the past year or two) and a few other things. But I tell myself that what's done is done and Grandma knows -I'm sure- how much I loved her and how much I miss her.

Lol and here's another thing that's not really serious, just sort of leaves me paranoid. But now that she's in heaven I feel like she's watching me- like everything I do.

I'm pretty sure that this is all part of the grieving process, so I'm not really beating myself up too hard for anything. But I guess I just want some reenforcement.


   
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Re: Sad with Questions - January 14th 2010, 04:09 PM

Like you said, it is all part of the greiving process. It honestly does get better with time. I'm sure your Grandma did know how much you loved her - and still do for that matter. She'll be watching over you


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Re: Sad with Questions - January 14th 2010, 04:14 PM

its good that you dont hold it in aswell if your grieving and crying it only makes you human it may hurt but shes in a better place know
   
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Re: Sad with Questions - January 14th 2010, 10:02 PM

things will get better after time but things also take time to heal and ur grandpa doesnt have pain anymore look at it as he is watching over u.
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Re: Sad with Questions - January 15th 2010, 12:58 AM

First off, I would like to give you my sympathy and tell you I'm very sorry about what happened to your Grandma. I lost my Grandma when I was around your age to Alzheimer's disease, and she was alo frail and in a wheelchair, and I never got to see her alive one last time, so not being able to say good-bye to her and her being so unhappy was sadening, but when I saw her at the viewing we were sad but we were all also at peace with the fact she wasn't in pain anymore, and she wasn't unhappy or scared anymore.
Secondly, I don't believe in heaven (atheist), so I think since I am a huge believer in the paranormal and spirits, that your spirit leaves your body and wanders the earth when you die, so your Grandma is not there with you anymore in person, but still walks with you in spirit, and lives on forever in your heart and memory.
   
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Re: Sad with Questions - January 20th 2010, 02:45 AM

I think I've gotten over the initial shock. But it's really hard for me now, because my anxiety came back. Which is totally not cool, because I've been really happy and calm these last...5 months? Something like that. And I just don't want my anxiety to take me over again.

Anyway, I sort of digress.

What should be do for Papa? He's all alone is that big house. Of course, I'm sure he'd like some time alone, but when is visiting too much?


   
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Re: Sad with Questions - January 21st 2010, 05:17 PM

First i just want to say I am deeply sorry for your loss I know exactly what it feels like to loose someone to cancer my mother passed away from Leukemia when I was 9.

I just wanted to comment on you stating that you think you might feel angry at your Grandmother for leaving you, and that is completely normal there are alot of different feelings that go along with the grievance process of losing a loved one. Its good that you are able to get it out and talk about it. I never did that and down the line it really messed me up.

Basically what im trying to say is that don't be afraid to express any of the feelings or questions you have about any of it. Sooner or later as time passes these feelings will subside (never fully go away but lessen) and you will be able to remember your grandmother as someone who you clearly loved deeply.

And as far as your grandfather, I'm sure he'll never decline the company having people who love you around to help deal with something like this helps so much. Don't be afraid to talk to him about it help him get his feelings out because he has to go through the process just like you and the rest of your family do. And now losing his companion he may not really have a lot of people he can talk to about it. So dont be afraid to help him through this too.
   
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