Triggering (Grieving): What is wrong with me?

[BanksyRat]

Mother died just a few months ago, but we were not close. She constantly criticised me for not following her ways, yet, I am an executive in a family run company and carved my own career by sheer hard work since I was 16. Mother despised my sexuality, even though circumstances have changed so much since this summer. She hated the very ground I walked on. Then she dropped dead from a massiv heart attack in front of her friends. Before she hit the ground the paramedic said, she was dead.

I felt nothing at the time, even after the funeral which was in pouring rain of dark clouds and a very nasty thunderstorm that drenched me to the skin. As I looked down the hole I felt not a shred of regret. And later I felt nothing on clearing out her old apartment.

Then tonight I found a broach. Sort of a brooch. But behind it was a secret compartment in the rose gold case, and when I opened it out, out dropped a little photo of me when I was in my early teens.

Tears course down my face as I sit writing. I thought Mother hated me for everything, even for being a girl and not the son she always wanted. And now this.

And you know what else? I have always been able to help others in their bereavement and grief. But I can't help myself. And I can't stop the tears.


I am editing this to thank Lyndsee for her help.

I am learning now to allow tears to come, and not be afraid to cry on someon'es shoulder. I've realised to cut out my stubborn way and lean on friends and family more during this time of real bereavement.

[Jacksonian]

Let it out. Accept what you feel and let it out, let your heart cry, let it show its pain.

[Ally_Georgiiie]

Crying helps. Death is a hard thing to cope with but these are the sort of things that make us strongest. After all. Why dont you go to your mothers grave and talk to her I'm sure she'll hear you out. After all a mother love knows no boundries.

[Release9]

Oh...I'm so sorry for your loss.
But don't keep it in, because it will eat you from the inside. I lost my grandfather, but because I didn't really know him, I couldn't grieve. I do remember the days before, when he had been in the hospital, how frantic it was. Again, I am beyond sorry for your loss. But just remember we're all here for you.

[Youth Pastor]

It's great you help people out but the reason you help people is because people are willing to tell you their feelings. It's important for you to do the same. Find someone you can open up to and just express how you feel whether it's on here or face to face. Keep crying, it's part of the grieving process. Crying is a healthy act when dealing with a loss. I'm on here to help people so if you need to talk just PM me, if not that's ok. I just want to be available.