Dad died substance abuse

[samtation]

Well, my dad died October 25 2009, when I was 14 and anyone that has had a parent die when they're 1 know that shit SUCKS. I have always been one to bottle up my emotions and I vowed that after my dad died I would never cry again. I cried while looking at his limp body on the hospice house bed but I didn't cry at the funeral. I haven't cried since. Like I said, I bottle up my emotions, and I am starting to think it is fairly unhealthy. I have been extremely irritable and stressed, and I have been wanting to fight, even though I have never fought anyone before. Because of my constant stress and anger I have been smoking pot every now and again and that seems to help. I have also been using excessive drinking to help me relax. I was wondering if anyone that is or was in a similar situation could help me find a safer way to feel more relaxed or a better way to release stress?

[Katrina]

Hey there,

First off, let me just welcome you to TeenHelp. I think its wonderful that you've found us and decided to reach out for help, and I hope that you will find what you're looking for here. My name is Katrina; feel free to drop me a PM (Private Message) anytime. I'm usually not too far away.

I'm so sorry to hear that your dad died, Sam. No matter how old you are, losing a parent can be an incredibly tough thing, especially when you are so young. If I'm going to be completely honest with you, Sam, I have not lost one of my own parents, and I can't pretend to relate to exactly what you're going through on that level. However, I recently went through an experience with my own family in which my mom, due to multiple attempts on her life, ended up in critical condition in intensive care. At one point, we were told she "probably will not make it.." In that sense, I think I can grip, in a way, the constant overwhelming physical pressure that one may find himself or herself in, in such a situation. And I just really do want to express my sympathy that you're dealing with this right now, Sam.

You seem to have acknowledged that maybe bottling up your emotions isn't completely working right now, and I think that the fact that you realize this and are attempting to do something about it and make a healthy change is really quite incredible. I, too, used to believe that being strong meant being independent and putting up a happy, "okay" front. Now, though, after what I went through with my mom, I am really being as genuine as possible when I say that I think there is notable strength found in knowing when to throw up your red flags and ask for support and advice. (:

I am, and have been for quite a while, of the belief that life was meant to be lived together. I think there's power in fellowship (that is, being around those you love and those who love you), and I encourage you to consider this as you continue to cope with your loss. As far as other family members go who are also affected by this, are you still living with your mom? Do you have any siblings? I think that fostering relationships with other family members and just really getting behind the idea of going through this together could really be beneficial to all of you.

Rather than fighting and using substances to relax yourself, you're absolutely right--there ARE healthier ways of coping with stress. First, it IS so important to let your walls down and try to speak with someone (a trusted adult? A guidance counselor?) about what you're going through. This, in and of itself, will likely decrease your stress immensely. Yes, it will probably be very difficult to talk about things and let your emotions out after holding them in for so long--those conversations are ones that truly may cause you to feel hurt and upset--but I think that looking back, you will hopefully feel better to know that you are not bearing this weight alone. On another note, perhaps you could try writing things down every once in a while. I believe also in the power of expressing oneself in some way, whether that's through talking or through another means. For me personally, I dance when I'm stressed. In fact, I actually dance my best when I'm upset (as upside down and inside out as that may seem). I encourage you to utilize writing or SOME form of healthy expression as you go through this.

I guess what I'm also getting at is that it really is okay to cry. And I know that everyone always says this, but truly - it is. As far as other ways of dealing with stress go, I think that many people use a healthy amount of daily exercise to relax; the release of endorphins combined with the satisfaction of knowing you've worked hard can be very therapeutic. Also, take baby steps. I mean this metaphorically, in the sense of moving towards recovery. Setbacks happen, but they won't erase previous progress you've made.

I hope everything works out for you, Sam. Hang in there, and take good care of yourself.

[samtation]

Thanks for all the advice but as for the talking to a trusted adult or a guidance counselor, the counselors at my school are border line retarded, I don't trust any of my teachers or other adults and my family is sort of having a falling out because my Aunt blames my mom for my dad's death, even though it was cancer, and my grandpa is taking our side and my grandma is taking my aunts side, so there is already a lot of tension there. I don't want to add to my mothers sadness because when I told how I was feeling when I was younger she started crying and blamed herself for being a terrible parent, even though she is an incredible mother. I also can't talk to a therapist or anything because there isn't enough money in our household because my dad was the primary income. I'll be fine it's just too overwhelming sometimes.