Triggering (Grieving): This is a long story...

[CrashLove]

So, I'm going to tell you a story, and I hope you'll read it..

Most of my childhood memories are littered with images of my grandparents, my Nana, and my Papa. I remember going over their house for sleep overs, but only one of us at a time. So, when my sister went to their house, I stayed home, same with if my brother went, and when I went, they stayed home. I remember going out for fish with them, a cheesy little fast-food joint near their home, I remember the railroad tracks behind the rusty fence, the smell of cigarettes and wood shavings. They had a 'play' room, where I spent my days when we visited. The pool in the yard, where I learned to swim...

When I was born, I had 3 siblings, an adopted brother and sister, and a biological sister. About a year into my life, my eldest sister's biological father decided he wanted his daughter back (Even though he was the one to give her away). She was happy and healthy living with my parents, and I only have one memory of her. This didn't really bother me until recently, I never really noticed my mother's utter pain on the girl's birthday, and the day she was taken, until the last few years. (And I swear this is relevant.) This only started to hurt recently, because I realized, I've missed her whole life. I never got to make fun of her for her boyfriends, or help her get ready for prom, or ask her for help with school work, I'd never help her heal a broken heart, I'd never share a secret, or tell her a joke. I'd missed it all. I never got to watch her graduate. I never got to help her get ready for college. I missed it.
(And yes, I realize I can do all this with my other, older sister. But that's not the point, the point is that my mom is hurting from this still, 16 years later, and I just realized that I'm hurting too..)

Back to my grandparents. About nine years ago, when I was 7-8, my grandparents had to move from their house because they were growing old. They had five children (6 really, but he died as an infant), who could take them in. But NONE offered, NONE except for my mother. So, they moved in with us, and with some money they saved up, they decided to take a trip to Los Vegas together. My Papa had had an aneurysm removed, and was informed that another had developed by his heart and that it was "Fine," and he could "Go on his trip, and come back and have a look at it." Well, you can have guessed that that did not happen. It exploded as soon as they reached the hotel.

For someone of my age, I was pretty ignorant of the fact that a family member had died, the shock had not set it, ya know? I mean, yes it hurt, but I wasn't completely bent out of shape about it. I was closer to my grandmother.

My Nana came back and still lived with us. She told me all about her life, her stories, her memories, her mistakes, her misjudgments, her heartaches...Her happiness, her sorrow. Everything. And everyday I would go downstairs (Apartment we had done for her) and she would say, "Hi, my Cait, how are you today?" And I'd tell her I was fine, or I'd tell her everything. I told her all my pain, my happiness. We knew just about everything about each other. She was the closest person I had to me, aside from my mom.

She needed a surgery on her eye, and came through fine. Until April the 15th, the next day. She had fallen the previous night and broke her hip, which we didn't know. She was rushed to the hospital, and I had to go to school. I kept thinking, she'll be okay. She'd had several heart attacks, and even phnemonia, but she always pulled through. She just had to be okay. I went in and saw her, I walked in the room, and she looked at me, even though she was pretty drugged up, "Hi, my Cait. How's your ankle?" since I had sprained it, and I almost cried, here she was in a hospital bed, asking how I was. And I knew then, I think, that she wouldn't leave that hospital.

I visited, everyday except one, for four days. I had planned a sleep over with my friends, so the before I left for my friend's house, I saw her. She was sleeping, so I let her be, and my ma and I sat with her. She woke up as we were leaving, and I gave her a kiss on the forehead, and she looked at me and said, "Goodbye, my Cait. I love you." I said it back, and went on my venture.

The next morning, I woke and checked my Facebook (I'm a teenager, leave me alone) And saw my sister's status, "Rest in Peace Lois ***********, February 10th, 1936 - April 19th, 2011" I broke down. My Nana was my world, she was my best friend, my birthday buddy (Feb 11th) and my grandmother. I love her so much. I calmed myself down, and went on with my day as I would normally. My Nana's lesson for me was to know when to cry, it wasn't the time.

It rained the day she died. It rained the day of her wake. And it rained the day of her funeral. I had to write and read a eulogy for her funeral. And I did. I barely managed to get through it. I was sobbing by the time I finished. But I did. For her.

This is kind of unrelated to human death but, my family noticed during the week after my Nana's funeral that my cat (MY CAT, we had 3) was acting weird. We looked at her, and thought she had a cold, due to having the symptoms. On the following Sunday, my cat was weak, and I had been feeding her through a syringe (She wouldn't eat, and wouldn't drink but put her nose into her water bowel, and look like she wanted to drink, but forgot how, and would pull her nose out to breathe then put it back, but not actually take anything in), and she collapsed during the day. She would get up and wander aimlessly. I finally got my dad to call the vet's emergency number. We brought her in, and I knew that she was done. I refused to go to school the next day, exactly a week after my grandmother's funeral, and waited for news from the vet. My cat, my baby, had total kidney and liver failure. We went in at around 10:30, and I held my cat. I pet her for about 20 minutes, my mom and I. She loved the cat more than anyone. I held my cat as the doctor gave her the shot. He hugged me, and "wrapped" her up for me, and I buried her in the yard next to my dog later that day with my father.

This all happened in the span of a month, the hospital visit of my Nana, and the deaths.

I went back to school. I only told people who asked about my Nana and my cat. I started flunking classes, but the grades are okay-ish now, if you care. I lost all interest. I had lost two of the things closest to me in this entire universe within two weeks. I was devastated.

You would think people would be good about this, right? For the last two months, my friend has been trying to pick fights with me, even though I'm depressed, and yelling at me, and criticizing me, and scrutinizing me, and just hurting me. How do you react to this?

So, I'm curious why, WHY, the pain (The very, very delayed pain) for my sister, and my grandfather decided to creep on me now? (Oh, and the dog I buried my cat with died in 2008, but she was 16 and I expected it. I buried her as well, with my dad. I'm at peace with her.)

And why do I regret so much? I treated them well, my grandparents, my cat. I mean, a huge family party that we had planned for my Nana's 75th fell through because certain "family" members can't let the past go, and grow up, and you know SUCK IT THE FUCK UP for one day, for their MOTHER. I regret not throwing the party. She would of liked it. But no one would come. They said no, and insulted my family, who's lived with the woman and cared for her for YEARS, and claimed we 'imprisoned' her. (I have family issues, sorry.) Oh, and now they refuse to pay their portion of her funeral costs. And when she was first put into the hospital, NONE of them showed up. Oh, and they were late for her wake/funeral. And at the get together after, they sat their fat asses down and ate all the food my mom paid for, and said not a single word to any of us, but bad mouthed us to my other aunts and uncles.

Just..I need help coping. It's just come at me all at once. And it's been over 2 months, and I'm still in pain. Can someone help me? How do you cope with deaths and loss?

If you read all that, you are a fine squid, and you have my love.

[dipka]

I read all that. It's all very well written, I was hooked and just had to read on. I will help, I understand what you are going through.

You have had a VERY positive relationship with the people who have died recently, you should be happy to have been able to enjoy all the time you had with these people, you should dwell on these good past times, rather than more recent times, partiqually because they would have wanted to be rememberd in a positive way.

I'v found that the best way for me to deal with someone's death has been to create a memmory box, or book or even both. Gather together anything that will remind you of them such as photoes, any presents they gave you or you gave them, anything they owned that was special to them ect., Put all these things together in a special place/box. Next create a special book and record any feeling's, thoughts, drawings or anything you want to. Then whenever you wish to think of this person you can look in this special place, everything you ever remember will allways be there.


Also now, the best way to get over things and move on (yes I know that it will be very hard but it will happen eventually) is to think of them, remember "they wouldent want me to be sad now, insted thay would prefere me to be out their living my life, so that is what I will do" Go and achive your dreams.

I hope this help's, anything elce please ask me, Iv recently been through a death too, I understand it all.
Take care
dipka

[CrashLove]

Originally Posted by dipka

I read all that. It's all very well written, I was hooked and just had to read on. I will help, I understand what you are going through.

You have had a VERY positive relationship with the people who have died recently, you should be happy to have been able to enjoy all the time you had with these people, you should dwell on these good past times, rather than more recent times, partiqually because they would have wanted to be rememberd in a positive way.

I'v found that the best way for me to deal with someone's death has been to create a memmory box, or book or even both. Gather together anything that will remind you of them such as photoes, any presents they gave you or you gave them, anything they owned that was special to them ect., Put all these things together in a special place/box. Next create a special book and record any feeling's, thoughts, drawings or anything you want to. Then whenever you wish to think of this person you can look in this special place, everything you ever remember will allways be there.


Also now, the best way to get over things and move on (yes I know that it will be very hard but it will happen eventually) is to think of them, remember "they wouldent want me to be sad now, insted thay would prefere me to be out their living my life, so that is what I will do" Go and achive your dreams.

I hope this help's, anything elce please ask me, Iv recently been through a death too, I understand it all.
Take care
dipka

I thank you for your advice, and I may take it. I already have a plaque from my vet for my cat, and I'm working on a 'stone', and my grandmother's stuffed animals and such. I may do the notebook advice. I truly appreciate it. <3.
If you ever need someone to talk to about the death, I'm here. I'm better at helping others cope, than coping myself. c:

[dipka]

That's great, anything you do like that will help.
It's no problem, that's why I chose to be here.
I'm like that too, I can help others through much worse than myself, yet cannot deal with anything similar myself, I understand you there.
I'd love to talk sometime if you would like to, just send me a message
dipka

[CrashLove]

Originally Posted by dipka

That's great, anything you do like that will help.
It's no problem, that's why I chose to be here.
I'm like that too, I can help others through much worse than myself, yet cannot deal with anything similar myself, I understand you there.
I'd love to talk sometime if you would like to, just send me a message
dipka

Thank you c: