Mixture.

[xx~Twinkle.Hearts~xx]

I’m going to start with a quote,

“Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

A week ago, My brother was coming home from a friends house, I was with his best friend at home alone, because he is my boyfriend. A lot was going on the last few weeks, and no one could really cope with it on are own, so we stuck as a group me, my brother, and Chris. Now this night was not expected at all, we didn’t expect to be sleeping together, and we sure didn’t expect to get a phone call from the police that night, My brother was hit by a driver that was intentionally trying to hurt themselves, now the hard part about that call, was finding out that, that guy, is alive now, and knowing he killed my brother is worse, but he will have to live with that the rest of his life. Knowing my brother is dead, I cried a lot, I freaked out at my boyfriend told him to leave, and get out of my brothers room, I didn’t mean to be like that, but I guess when I got upset, all he wanted to do was make it okay, and hide how hurt he was by it all, me pushing him away when he tried to hug me and me throwing my arms at him, I broke down crying in his arms, but eventually all I wanted was someone to share my feelings to, to know he was hurt too. And I got that, after I calmed down, that night I will never forget.

Now I always thought it was my fault, because I told him to stay the night before and not come home, which he did so, it was hard to loose him, and have everyone in chat not know, and ask me for help, no matter what was said, something hurt me everytime, weather it was “ I can’t stop Self harming myself “ or “ I miss someone” or just simple talking about murders or anything, it hurt me, therefore I had to leave till I knew that I could handle it on my own. I am trying slowly to get back on, and active more like I was, but I need to take it once step at a time, knowing that there will always be those times where someone will say something by accident, or because they do not know, I’m trying, just I need a little bit of a push to help me, to get through it.So I am here, and I'm posting, ill be in chat sometimes.

That was me, a week ago, Thinking everything was my fault, and thinking that nothing would ever get better, but today, I want that all to change, I want to be here, and be who I was before this happen, knowing he will never be here again, and knowing I love him best friend, is hard, but its life, right? It will get better, but that doesn’t mean I will ever forget my big brother.

[Fairy Poppins]

Hi Ashley.

First of all, it's completely normal to react to bad news with erratic behaviour, so don't feel bad for the way you behaved towards your boyfriend that night.

Secondly, don't worry about not being in the chatroom. We all have to take a break from TH for a while at some point and I'm sure they will just be glad to have you back.

Thirdly, you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened. There will always be the "What if?"s and you could drive yourself crazy thinking of ways that this tragedy could have been avoided. But the fact is, the only person whose fault this is, is the driver's. Not your brother's for not listening, not your fault for not making him stay. Imagine if every time a loved one left the house we worried that we might not see them again. We'd never let them go anywhere. You can't live life like that.

Of course you won't ever forget him and yes, it is going to be difficult as you go through the different stages of grief. But the fact is that you're strong and are being positive about this will help you to get through them. Plus, you're in a good place on TH if you need support and although people will say things that accidentally upset you, the pain will ease with time.

Take care of yourself (and your boyfriend).

J. x