Not coping.

[Gymnophoria]

One week from today is a year since the last time I ever saw my Papa.
One week tomorrow is a year since I woke up fully expecting to go Christmas shopping with my best friend and wound up having to cancel as the family just sat in my living room in silence, trying to process what just happened.
If I'd stopped cutting then like I tried, this Thursday would have been a year free for me.
Dates. Days. Times.
It feels like so long ago. But it's still so fresh and it still hurts.
I can't think about him without crying. I can't go a day without thinking about him. I feel like such a huge part of me is missing.
A few nights ago I cried so long and so hard that it hurt. I couldn't think. Couldn't breathe. Or move. Couldn't stop shaking. My poor bear got soaked. My pillow was wet. My face was damp and my wet hair was sticking to my cheeks. My nose was blocked, my eyes were red and puffy. I've never felt such a mess in my life.
I feel so close to breaking like that again, but I'm trying so hard to stop myself.
I'm so far from being over this. I'm supposed to be in college next Monday. I'm not sure I'll even make it out of bed. Susie told me to try going in and if can't focus or get upset to talk to her and she'll arrange for me to come home. The last thing I need just now is more time off college, I just don't feel like I'm coping with this.
No one is.
My aunt is working 6 days a week just now to keep herself busy. My mum just isn't talking about it. I'm locking myself up in my room every night so no one can see me cry.
I miss him.
I don't know what the point of this is, I just miss him. So, so much.
And I want to be with him more than I can say just now.

[leavemealone]

Oh hun, I am so soo soo sorry don't feel like you have to get over this faster. This is something that you need to take your time with, because if you try and rush this, you'll end up in a worse position than you were in before. Denial. Depression. You are strong enough for this, don't forget that. He loves you, you love him. He's always watching over you. He wants you to succeed and live just as much as he did before this happened. If taking time off college to stay home and be with family is what you need, than just accept that. There's nothing more you can do than be strong, let what happens happen, and be with family. <3 I'm very sorry for your loss. You can get through this, I know it.

[Lars]

Its been close to 5 years since my father got sick and came into vegetative state and I still can not process it well either. I tear up and want to scream everytime I really think about it. It takes time to heal. It will never be the same always keep him in your heart but he would want you to be happy hun.