My grandma died of cancer.

[passion4basketball]

Last month on the 10th my 54 year old grandma died of cancer. She had it in her lymph nodes, brain, lung, and liver. She passed 2 weeks after she was diagnosed, and everything was going downhill so quickly. It started out in about August when she first started having symptoms, and lumps showed up on the back of her head, but the doctors told her it was just a deep inner ear infection. It kills me to think that if they had worried about it a little more, maybe she'd still be living today. Nothing was done about it, and she was sent home.
Then in september, she kept having symptoms, like major headaches and dizzy spells. About a year ago she suddenly became 'lactose intolerant' which was most likely the symptoms of the liver cancer.
I'm getting a little too detailed.
My point is, I feel like nothing has happened..and I feel so wrong for feeling that way. I saw her in the hospital when she was sick, and the brain tumors were so bad that it was almost like a bad case of dementia or alzheimers, but she could remember the family. The way she looked was so different, it was painful to see. Her left eye was protruding out of her head, she looked so much more frail, and the last day before she died, she couldn't even speak because she had so much fluid in her lungs and she was too weak to cough it up.
I also remember the last time I saw her, and I said bye. None of us were expecting her to go so soon, despite the fact that she looked terrible and because of her state of mentality, wouldn't do radiation therapy to attempt to shrink the tumors. So, I didn't talk to her that day at all, I was too afraid. I don't think I even smiled at her. I waved and said bye and quickly walked out of the room. That night, my mom talked to her on the phone and asked if I wanted to say hi, but I was, again, too nervous. The next morning the hospital called and said she was gone.
Now, as I said before, I don't really feel like much has changed, and it doesn't really bother me. But, when I think about this, it just kills me. I think back to the way she looked when she waved to me that afternoon, and I get choked up.
I just want to get over this guilt but I don't feel like I can.
Sorry if I bored anyone with my long post.

[Chris.]

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone with that feeling. My grandmother passed away when I was about 6 and My mom told me to go give her a kiss because she was dieing before our eyes. My brother was hugging her and kissing her but i refused to go and say goodbye. I have remembered that situation every time that I pray at night and it hurts still after 10 years later. I pulled 2 things out of the situation which I am grateful for.

1) My personal belief is that she is watching over me - and she forgave me for not saying goodbye. She knew I was sad and nervous.

2) Experience.

See, from all the mistakes, and all the things you do wrong or didn't do you learn and you gradually gain experience. We don't always realize it - but we do. And although this is a sad situation where we wishes we said goodbye or even gave her a hug but we didn't - thats just a mistake on our part. Yes, we regret it, but if an situation like this happens again you will be quick to react and you will be thankful for having experience like that and for knowing that you should say goodbye, and you should give her a kiss.

We all learn things different ways - unfortunately sometimes we have to learn by regret. Don't think you are alone with this - I have been there, and I know the feeling.


Best wishes to you and your family,
Chris

[Audacious]

Hey there.

Losing somebody to cancer can be so hard. I've gone through it a few times.
I remember when my parent died of cancer, I was too scared to hug her. I was 15, and deep down I thought I'd break her. She was so weak that I thought if I touched her she'd fall apart. I did say goodbye when she was already gone, but I didn't touch her. I wouldn't. It was too terrifying.
But I'm sure your grandma knew that you and your family love her. If you believe she is able to look down on you and that she's in some kind of better place, I'm sure she understands why you didn't want to talk to her and stuff. It's scary, and from how you described her, that would have been a lot for a youth like yourself to take in. I can understand why you would have been frightened.
I wonder if looking at pictures of her while she was healthy would help you to remember that once before, she didn't look scary. You can also still talk to her, because she's still inside you to some degree. You may want to light a candle or release a balloon as a way to say goodbye. I remember once feeling like I didn't say a proper goodbye to my parent. So I tied a small note to a helium balloon and let it go to the heavens so I could tell her what I needed to say.

You said you don't feel like anything has changed, that is normal. Many things could be happening for you...a) shock. It can take 6-8 months sometimes for shock of a loss to wear off and for the reality to hit. Especially if you are a young person.b) nothing has changed. She is gone, but she didn't live with you, right? Maybe you're just over it...but not the guilt part.

The guilt. You need to let that go! It's going to eat you up inside. Something I could suggest to you is write down all the things you are guilty about, all the things you feel you should have done. Then rip it up, burn it, whatever you need to do to get rid of it. You did nothing wrong. Grief happens differently for everybody, and however you dealt with it is right for you.

I hope you can find peace in this situation. If you need anything, feel free to PM me. ANYTIME.

Talk soon.
Jen

[buddycal]

i know that nothing anyone will say will ever compinsate for your loss but maby hearing my story will help a bit. when i was 8 my gran died of brain cancer, unlike you the doctors knew what it was and so they tried cutting the tumorous cells out. unfortunatly the cells grew back and she gradualy started to deterearate, my gran who was the strongest willed woman i had ever met was now mostly in her bed, wearing a wig because the stress was making her hair fall out, just looking really really bad. she died a week after my birthday and her funeral was on one of my cousins birthdays. nine months later to the day. my mum and dad were called by the hospital telling them to get there imediatly. my grandad had had a heart attack. true it was probably the way he wanted to go. i mean who wouldnt want to go out with a pint of beer in thier hands. after that i was lost . i had no idea what to do i lost my faith my parents split up everything fell to peices. ten just as i got back on my feet, boom my great aunt pops her clogs .four months later my great gran also does the same. i am now back on my feet. and am doing well but sometimes i think about them and it breaks my heart.
as i said i now nothing i could say could possibly make thiings slightly better

[Shawn K.]

I'm so sorry for each of your losses. You're all very strong people. I still can't talk about my feelings about my Mom and Brothers deaths. I do know I'm way more selfish and self centered, and feeling sorry for myself than you guys though. I hope you guys can help each other feel better, you sure seem like you deserve to.

[buddycal]

greiving affects lots of people in different ways you never trully get over a death you just get better at disguising it.
so shawn dont feel bad just because you are taking a while to adjust to the death feel happy that you know there is always at least 1 person to help you in your struggle.