Going back to high school

[MsNobleEleanor]

I am deciding to go back to High School in the Fall. I feel extremely weird about it because I graduated in 2012, my grades weren't horrible but I am finding it harder and harder to do anything nowadays. I even went to College for a year and half and to take that step backwards is slightly daunting. They might be able to offer something that I missed in High School that I really want to do. I am fed up with trying to find someone to train me for trade work and I've been working with an employment agency for a bit now. It gets to a point where I am stuck between a rock and hard plate all the time.

I just don't know if I can do it, go back to high school paying all my bills having that time taken from me and I could go on Government Assistance while in high school but that won't be enough to cover my bills. Right now College has nothing to offer me, nothing at all. It's honestly draining and tiring.

I'm checking out Summer School right now for math but from the lady who referred me to Summer School from the Adult High school said it's very intensive math and goes fast. There is no way I can do that at that rate. I am kinda hoping that the Adult High school has tech classes I can take because I would love to do that and take a bunch of Math classes. But the lady on the phone said I can't set a meeting up, I can in July during registration. Well, that doesn't help me doesn't help me to be informed or a understanding on the courses they offer or even a plan. I need a plan if I am thinking about this, not, "oh you need to wait till July" that isn't enough.

I don't understand why this is so hard. I mean shouldn't this be easier? I am tired and exhausted trying to find something then I give up to rest my mental and emotional well being and then I am back on the horse looking all over again. I need to spend at least 10 hours doing this homework my Employment Consultant gave me which will most likely double that because I really dislike some of the things I need to do. Like edit a crappy resume and Cover letter that she marked up. It's taking me forever to finish that and other things, like making a dozen phone calls and this and that. I feel like its a chore.

I have no idea where my life is suppose to be right now.

[Hiraeth]

Figuring out "what we want to do in life" is challenging when our core well-being isn't the most stable. That's totally normal and natural. It's hard to know how we can best contribute to the external world without first gaining a solid sense of our internal configuration and being able to depend on it somewhat.

I always took the attitude of "take whatever comes along that seems to make sense for now". With the knowledge that it's probably not going to be long-term, that chances are I won't even enjoy it that much or be that good at it, but those things aren't the point; the point is having a source of income of some kind so I can focus on healing and getting to a place where making an informed decision about how to move forward career-wise, and identifying what my unique strengths are so I can invest in the right education tailored to developing those strengths.

I've been fortunate in the sense that opportunities have arisen at the right times to catch me from falling through and being stuck in a cycle of chronic poverty and unemployment. Some people aren't so lucky; some people encounter many more barriers, and "what's the point" is a natural response. Well maybe there isn't one. For some people staying on disability until they are more healed and able to cope with the challenges of starting from scratch is a reasonable option. However, there is really a lot to be said about the experience of persisting in and of itself, to try and become financially self-sufficient and independent, that is healing and empowering and challenges whatever harmful notions of ourselves we've learned from past experience. That, I think, has become "the point" for me.

Once you've gotten started in a direction and things are a little bit smoother, or at least start to carry a flow of its own and feel a bit less heavy on the resistance side, you can meet new challenges and barriers with the knowledge that you've persisted through much worse ones before. That awareness and experience is very powerful.