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Peer Pressure and Bullying Social pressure can take many different forms, including intimidation, bullying and even physical attacks. If you feel you could be a victim or perpetrator (who wishes to stop) of bullying, talk about it here.

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Jess~ Offline
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it's still eating at me... - February 6th 2017, 07:31 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of peer pressure or bullying, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i honestly had no idea where to put this, so i hope this works. it's kind of somewhere between bullying and abuse, and maybe a relationship but i feel too disgusted to even consider putting it there.

from October 2015 to March 2016 i was involved with an extremely abusive guy. we dated for three weeks in October and then broke off and became on-again, off-again friends with benefits. he would constantly hit me, choke me, push me around, and make me feel like less of a person altogether. he would leave bruises on my breasts from hitting them so hard. he was having sex with 6 other girls throughout the day, that i didn't know about, and we always fooled around after school.
so when i couldn't make him come (little did i know, this had nothing to do with me and more to do with the fact that he was just dried out), he would hit me and kind of subtly insult me and degrade me as a person.
basically, my worth was based on how i was able to give him pleasure. and eventually i too started to judge myself that way. in fact, even now, i put my partners pleasure above my own, because it's one of the only things to make me feel good about myself.

now, i had three extremely close friends that school year. one had been my best friend for 1-2 years prior, and one i had known for 2 years but we didn't have much in common. still close, though. the third one was a guy who the three of us met when we switched to this new school, which was that school year. so he was the newest to the group, the only one who we didn't have any history with whatsoever.
he tore us apart.
i'm going to bullet point this because it'll just be easier.

-he, lets call him Jack, kicked my best friend out of our friend group and almost made me turn against her for good. he convinced us she was a "psycho bitch" (ever notice how it's so easy to claim someone is crazy, and then have all their validity just immediately go down the drain?) it took a long time for me to realize he was the one in the wrong.

-once she was out of the group, it was just us three.

-Jack suddenly got feelings for me and tried asking me out, but i ran away from it. like, literally, when he asked me, in the school hallway, i turned and ran the other direction. that kind of gave him the hint.

-after i rejected him, Jack and other friend started dating, leaving me as the third wheel.

(now, lemme just say that, Jack is one of the most disgusting people i know. i mean physically looking and just his personality. aside from the fact that i'm convinced he's a compulsive, manipulative liar with a superiority complex, his physical appearance has almost literally made me vomit. i don't mean to be rude, but i'm just stating the facts. now, acne isn't something that can always be helped, so i'll never judge someone for it. but his entire face was covered in blisters and craters and grease. however, even if he didn't have acne, just the way he looks in general... he's honestly the most unattractive person i have ever seen, and that's saying a lot. again, not trying to be rude or say i place a person's value on their physical appearance or anything, just trying to put a face to the name for yall. this will be important later.)

-around the same time they started dating, i reconnected with and started seeing my FWB a lot more regularly. which meant a lot more regular abuse and feeling like shit. (i stayed with him because my entire life i've felt unwanted by guys. attractive guys, at least. so when a gorgeous, popular boy came up to a nobody like me, i was hooked. i've always been told how fat and ugly i am, and how nobody wants me. people have made faces when asked a question like, "would you kiss jess?" or something like that. i just craved to felt needed and wanted and desired by somebody, and he gave that to me.)

-now, this is where it gets fucked up...
so, when Jack asked me out and i ran away, he eventually caught me alone and we talked about how i felt. since he was one of my closest friends at the time, he knew all about how abusive my FWB was to me. and i gave him some bs excuse for not wanting to date him. like "since i've been hurt by -fwb-, i just can't trust and open up as much. i'm not looking to get in another relationship where i'll just be hurt."
i then, for some reason, felt the need to tell him that i was self-harming and that it would be a year since my first cut in a few months. so i started saying, "well, in a few months.." and trailed off, not knowing how to say it. i finally started to, but he cut me off and said, "yeah, a couple months, i'll wait for you to open up for as long as it takes." then Jack said "hey, i just want you in my life, even if it's just as a fuckbuddy or something." now, my entire body fucking cringed when he said this, and since i laugh when things get awkward, i said no while laughing, which probably made it seem like i wasn't serious about that no.

-anyway, so a few weeks into Jack and my friend's relationship, Jack started hitting me up more and more about being fuckbuddies. 9 out of 10 times, he talked about this with me online, over an app we used for texting.

-sorry to backtrack, but i had been sexting and sending nudes online since around July of 2015. so i was used to online fuckboys and how to dirty talk them and what not. in fact, i kind of prided myself on it, because again, it was something i based my worth off of.
however, in November 2015, my parents went through my phone and found everything. i had it taken away from November to May 2016. my computer webcam was broken and i didn't have a camera or anything else to send nudes with. this will be important later.

-when Jack texted me about sex online, hiding behind an account with a cartoon profile picture, not his face, it was easier for me to consider the idea. and it made me see that... yet another person wanted me. yet another person desired me. and these disgusting conversations between us actually boosted my self-esteem, a lot. despite the sexting we did, which became a nightly thing, i NEVER sent him nudes. (i sent a few clothed pictures of me that i already had on my computer, but that was literally it. and they weren't even sexual, just he asked for pictures and i sent them.)

-and whenever he would try to bring up things we texted about in real life, face to face, when i could see him... it brought back every single feeling of disgust. because online, i could pretend he wasn't who he really was. he was just another faceless, online person who wanted me. but in real life, being faced with his creepy face and his cringey ass voice trying to seduce me, i wanted to vomit. and this made me hate myself even more.

-one time, we were alone after school, and we were talking about how my FWB abused me and how it made me feel like crap. i was looking to my left, away from Jack, and literally just started to say a sentence, really opening up to him and telling him how i really felt about myself and my worth. but just as i started to speak, he pulled me onto his lap and started rubbing my crotch through my leggings.
i didn't know how to react so i tried to get away. however, when he wouldn't let me, i didn't know how to react other than to pretend i was enjoying it, for some reason. (i think this was also because of my role in the abusive relationship. i let my FWB think that he made me come, when i faked it every single time, just to please him. my worth was so deeply ingrained in putting others' pleasure before me, that i let this disgusting boy feel me up.)
while he was touching me, against my will, mind you, he suddenly stopped. and i looked at him to see why, but when i turned, he pecked me on the lips. and i immediately considered suicide. remembering that kiss is still one of the most disgusting moments of my entire life.
i'm pretty sure if i was completely turned on and wet, and i thought about these moments with Jack, all that wetness would suck right back into my body. maybe not literally, because that's not how it works, but you get the point i'm trying to make.

-so there was this pattern of dirty talking with Jack online, coming to face the fact that he would always be this nasty person IRL, and me trying to stop the online conversations but him constantly bringing them back. repeat.

-there was one more occasion where he tried something with me again after school. see, Jack wasn't just this filthy dog trying to get in my pants. he had this mask of being someone i could trust and look up to for support. he finally did notice my cutting and talked to me about it. i started to tell him more and more about things of my past and my home life and just all the shit i was going through emotionally. we hung out after school nearly every day and i would just talk to him about my issues. he played the part of a good person so well...
so one day after school i really felt the need to talk to him about something important that was bothering me. so i met him up after my college class i had after school, which ended about 2 hours after HS got out. so i was in the college parking lot, not the high school one, and since there was really no where quiet to go at the college, we decided to just talk in my car.
as we were walking to my car, i started to get the vibe that he had other plans for the day, but i told myself i would turn him down and tell him this was serious. to make sure he didn't try anything, i waited for him to get in the backseat before i got in the drivers seat.

since i thought i was safe, i began talking about what was bothering. i find it weird that he always tried things with me mid-sentence, like he really didn't give a fuck what i was going through all along. before i knew it, he had jumped up and was full on making out with me from the back seat.
I. DID. NOT. WANT. THIS.
he shoved his tongue down my throat and it tasted so bad... i legitimately wanted to kill myself after that. i definitely cut later that day because of it, and i felt like such shit for letting him do this to me.
when he finally stopped and i pushed him back to his seat, i saw he had a boner. that was when i muttered something about needing to get home and kicked him out of my car.
i cried on the way home, and when i got home i tried the gag method of making myself throw up, which didn't work.

-jesus, this is so long already. but the main point of this all is how fucking manipulative he was about the whole thing...
see, this entire time, whenever we weren't full on dirty talking online, he was trying to convince me to let him fuck me. but in a way that made it seem like it was him doing me the favor...
he made it seem like he was this "hero" trying to rescue me from my abusive relationship. whenever i vented to him about my FWB, he would say, "please, find someone else... even if it has to be me. i'd rather you fuck me than that guy."
i would explain in detail the ways my FWB would hurt me and bruise me, the places he would hit me. Jack would say, "i will never hurt you and never treat you the way he does... i'm a better guy for you. trust me, you don't want to mess with him. please, just do shit with me."

i think it's important to remember that he did this ALL behind his girlfriends' back, who was someone i cared about and didn't want to hurt either!!!


to wrap this up as short as possible, my FWB raped me and stole my virginity. (our fwb relationship was oral only.) i will never look at this as a good thing, obviously, but it did give me a "legit" reason to turn away Jack once and for all. (i actually did say no to Jack multiple times throughout this entire ordeal, and constantly tried to stop his advances, both online and IRL, in a way that "wouldn't hurt his feelings". because that was what i was fucking worried about... his pathetic feelings.)
except that, even after that he brought up "eventually wanting to fuck me" and that he had quite a few sex dreams about me. exactly the shit that a fucking rape victim needs to hear, right???

i finally felt so guilty about letting this all happen behind my friend's back that i took screenshots of all the evidence of our text messages, wrote out the entire story in a google doc, and emailed her everything.
... when she said she already knew.
see, this manipulative little bitch knew that eventually i could snitch on him. so he told her about everything, as soon as i ended it. except that... he didn't tell her everything. he told her he was "trying to save me" and "that's the only reason he did it."

IF THIS WAS FUCKING TRUE, THEN THE SECOND I TOLD HIM THAT "HE WASN'T MY TYPE AND I DIDN'T NEED A SAVIOR, I JUST NEEDED HIM AS A FRIEND" THEN HE WOULD HAVE BACKED THE FUCK UP.
if this was true, he wouldn't have told me all the disgusting things he wanted to do to me, all the dreams he had about me, about how he always wanted to smash me...

you know what else? he told her i sent him nudes. that I was the one pushing the entire thing. that "he didn't really want to, but i was pushing it on him". like i said earlier, i had absolutely NO WAY to send nude pictures. nor would i ever want to show him my body. however, she told a mutual friend of ours that she "saw the pictures" and that she "saw my bare ass".
so i'm thinking he went full on with this shit and forged the pictures to go along with his story.

i'm so, so sorry this was so long.. there's just a lot of details, as you can see.
but yeah, this has been bothering me a lot lately. i just feel so disgusting.. number one, the fact that i even let this nasty ass touch me. and number two, that i was constantly trying to convince myself to do it "for him". he somehow made me think that i was obligated to do this because i wouldn't be a good friend had i not.

what bothers me the most is that these two actually still believe his little story as the truth, and even though we're "good" now (i secretly hate them), just the fact that she actually believes i EVER wanted her ugly ass boyfriend... god, it disgusts me.


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Re: it's still eating at me... - February 6th 2017, 12:41 PM

Hey. I'm so sorry you've ever had to go through any of this. With Jack, and your FWB. You are so much better than how you feel, I assure you. Maybe you finding a new group of friends to hangout with and if you separate yourself from them would help you be able to process and heal from the situation a bit easier?

I'm sorry if I'm not very good at giving advice. Know that you're lovely, and if you ever need to talk, I'm always around. <3


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Re: it's still eating at me... - February 7th 2017, 04:34 AM

oh no, you're fine, don't apologize! honestly i'm just happy someone actually replied to me tbh, because i was sure nobody would actually read through this.

the thing is that Jack and his GF aren't my group of friends anymore.. the only time i really ever even make eye contact with them is during the only period we all have together, which is one class 3 times a week.
and the sad thing is that i actually really like hanging out with his GF, because she was my friend long before she even met him. ever since i lost my best friend, she's the only person still around that i actually have history with. but it hurts me to know that she picked him over me even when i presented her with the fact and evidence and how violated he made me feel.

the class i have with them is usually super fun, because a lot of my other friends sit near us as well. so i wouldn't want to move seats away from everyone.
i mean i guess i don't have any current problems with them... it's just the things that happened in the past. and how i know they still remember it.

what triggers me to think back about this is when they talk about the "many" girls who "want Jack's dick". and honestly, i can see right through Jack, he's either seeing this shit or completely lying about it, and his GF is eating it right up.
absolutely no girl, besides his GF, in their right mind would ever even want to hug this freak.

sorry to rant a little there but yeah, thanks for the suggestion.


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Re: it's still eating at me... - February 8th 2017, 03:08 PM

It's okay. rant away. I'm sorry all of this has lingered.


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Re: it's still eating at me... - February 8th 2017, 06:43 PM

I see why it's still bothering you. All those events were big and they had a big impact on your life. I am sorry you had to experience those things.

You're not disgusting. You were manipulated into doing those things. You put someone else first and even though the person you put first was unhealthy, the fact that you put someone before yourself shows how strong you are. Try to remember that you were manipulated and it wasn't your fault.

I bet it is hard when people believe his story over yours. It can be downright invalidating when things like that happen. You know the truth, however, and no one can take that away from you. It's unfortunate that people don't know the truth but that's on them. People are always going to make their own conclusions from things.

It seems like you have a good understanding of your feelings and the reasons behind them; I think that understanding itself will help you a lot in your healing.

Have you been thinking about it a lot lately? What have you been up to? Maybe you can try to keep busy so your mind won't run as much. You can do things you've been meaning to do for a while or you can find things. Sometimes keeping busy even with the smallest distraction can help.

Keeping you in my thoughts.


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